Chapter 28

From each other's eyes (3)

To me, my brother is the only remaining blood relative. Although we have relatives, they changed their contact information after our parents passed away, as if they were better off not existing.

I couldn't pay attention to my brother, who was increasingly emaciated in his own misery.

My brother, 12 years older than me, started working and earning money right after our parents passed away. He was a smart brother who got into a prestigious company that others envied, but I knew he wanted to study more.

If he had the financial means, my brother would have become a scholar. He got a job right away, all for the sake of the young me.

I rushed to the hospital and saw my brother lying in the emergency room. His eyes were sunken, and his face, devoid of cheeks, had no vitality.

‘I’m not the only one who lost my parents…’

I was selfish, unable to understand my only brother's feelings and finding his worries annoying. With only two of us left in this world, we should have supported each other.

Fortunately, my brother was able to be discharged after getting enough rest.

‘Back then, I didn’t know how bright 25 years old could be, how burdensome and difficult it was to take care of a younger brother.’

After that, I changed my attitude. I couldn't do anything for my parents, but there must be something I can do for my brother.

I wanted to earn money quickly, make him quit his job, and let him study what he wanted.

However, my young age held me back. It seemed I had inherited the study gene from my brother, as I had no talent for studying. If it wasn't for my quick thinking, all my interest and talent were in the arts and physical education.

A job that I could use my talents and good looks to earn money from a young age.

Naturally, my eyes turned to the entertainment industry.

Choosing to become an idol, I started my trainee life. If I was lucky, I could debut as an idol before becoming an adult and earn a large sum of money that ordinary people find hard to make.

‘But since I can’t rely on luck, I have to build my skills.’

Starting my trainee life, I met various people. Some were purely in awe of the entertainment industry, some craved attention, and some, like me, wanted money.

Their common point was one: they all harbored resentment towards me, who was covered in sharp thorns. It didn’t matter; I wouldn’t see them after debuting.

There was an exception, the overly broad-minded Park Hajeon.

“How can I approach you when you’re giving off a ‘I’ll kill you if you come near’ vibe?”

I didn’t intend to kill anyone. It was frustrating to be perceived that way. Despite being worn down by Park Hajeon’s relentless pestering, I couldn’t change my cynical and negative nature.

‘Should I be grateful that there are trainees who accept me to this extent?’

I decided to get a nose job when my trainee contract expired. It seemed like a companion to my bad luck, but I trusted the doctor.

Even before the swelling went down, I sensed success. My nose bridge became more defined and higher, enhancing the overall harmony without disrupting it.

I returned to Hanul Entertainment before the swelling completely subsided, hearing rumors about forming a debut group. And I met a strange person.

Even when he suggested speaking more casually, saying I was a quick learner, he didn’t seem annoyed. When I mentioned my plastic surgery:

“Oh, I see. No problem with the training?”

He made the same naive comment.

It wasn’t unreasonable to suspect he had a head full of flowers. It was unbelievable that he had no self-awareness about his appearance. How could that be possible unless he lived in a remote, uninhabited mountain?

‘…What acting skills does he have?’

I was amazed. Success in the entertainment industry was guaranteed. His acting skills didn’t seem learned; if they were, he would already be a famous actor.

‘Indeed, in the arts and physical education, innate talent is the best.’

In singing, dancing, and visuals, he lacked nothing. It was clear he grew up in a warm and affluent family. It seemed as if luck was all on his side.

‘Compared to me, he’s on a different level? How easy is life for him?’

I couldn’t help but look at Ham Iwon, who seemed blessed by God, with a skewed view. Compared to him, my life seemed insignificant.

However, my thoughts were fundamentally wrong. Ham Iwon truly didn’t know the impact his face had on others.

‘What kind of character is he…’

He didn’t know how to use what he had and poured effort into it without any finesse. I couldn’t just envy him for his good luck.

During the debut group evaluation performance, seeing Ham Iwon struggling, I thought, ‘I knew it would be like this.’

I couldn’t help but take care of him, even though I tried not to meddle.

“…It bothers me. I’ll connect a few chairs for you to lie down.”

Taking care of Ham Iwon, unlike my usual self, was an unconscious action. Considering various factors, the two of us would most likely be chosen for the debut group.

‘Pay this back later, Ham Iwon.’

I didn’t realize it.

I was acting similarly to fans who were going through a period of disliking their idols.

* * *

‘Bright kid’ complex.

If I were to define my complex, it would be called this.

A bright and cheerful kid. I wanted to be that kind of kid. I didn’t want anyone to notice our family situation.

I spoke loudly and moved boldly. Then people would think I was a carefree kid. They never guessed that my dad drank and hit my mom.

Friends who noticed our family situation changed their gaze. Even though they said they were fine, they kept their distance the next day.

‘Where did I show it? What was different?’

I thought I was caught by my friends because I couldn’t be a completely ‘shadowless kid.’

After my family situation was exposed, I acted even more brightly. The kids I used to be close to looked at me suspiciously, but I didn’t want to pay attention to those who distanced themselves from me.

At school, I became the center of the noisy and laughing crowd, receiving the teacher’s affection.

At home, I listened to idol songs without making a loud noise, hiding from my dad’s violence. Most idol songs were loud, fast, and cheerful, suitable for someone who wanted to ignore other sounds.

Listening to idol songs, I came to like and admire idols. Dreaming of becoming an idol was a natural progression.

On a bitterly cold winter night, my drunk father fell asleep on the street and froze to death. When I heard the news, I laughed.

‘What I desperately wished for was solved by alcohol.’

I never thought I would be grateful for the alcohol I once despised. My mom was relieved but sad about the unexpected accident, but I thought it was for the best.

A person who didn’t bring in money but spent my mom’s earnings on alcohol and only caused violence was better off gone.

Believing that a person like that was never there and starting anew was the only way to a happier life.

My thoughts were not wrong. Without my dad, our home gained a peace it never had before. The days when my mom’s bruises deepened and when my brother and I had to hide were gone.

But the shadow my dad cast didn’t easily disappear and continued to haunt us. While we returned to our daily lives more energetically, others pitied us.

“Do you pity us now? No, we are relieved!”

“Hajeon… Don’t be too harsh on the neighbors. They are just thinking about our family.”

“They are just comforting themselves by thinking they are better than us!”

“Park Hajeon!”

“Mom. Let’s move! Let’s go somewhere where no one knows our family. Okay?”

It wasn’t easy to decide to move to an unfamiliar place in an economically unstable situation. But my mom made a bold decision for me.

Knowing about my dream of becoming an idol, my mom found a house near Seoul with convenient transportation. It was a small one-room apartment, but we were satisfied that there were no people who pitied us.

Adapting to a new school and new friends, I went to auditions and eventually joined Hanul Entertainment.

Maintaining ‘brightness’ had many advantages. The best was that it easily earned people’s affection. At first, I had to pretend to be bright, but over time, it felt like my true personality.

During my long trainee life at Hanul Entertainment, I met and saw off many trainees. Now, I could see through their pretenses and inner thoughts clearly.

I thought it was time to let my guard down and show my true self to a few trainees I became close to.

Oran, who harbored a lot of grievances against the world, Jihon, who was impulsive and whimsical, Seohun, a seasoned entertainment industry senior, and Chorok, who seemed kind but had a dark heart, were not people who would judge others easily.

‘But what was my true self?’

After so much time, I couldn’t find my true self before I pretended to be bright.

I seemed to be able to be gloomy and angry at times. Even on gloomy days, I found myself initiating conversations, clinging to people, and smiling widely.

‘Always bright’ Park Ha was no longer a mask for Park Hajeon but became Park Hajeon himself.

‘There’s nothing wrong with that, right?’

Since I chose a career that depends on the public’s love, it could be my competitive advantage. I brushed it off, maintaining a positive mindset.

One day, Chorok invited a new trainee named Ham Iwon.

I thought he must have brought him because he saw some benefit for us. Chorok wouldn’t add a new member without any thought.

The new trainee, Iwon, was naive. His word choices and expressions made it clear he was socially awkward.

I found him cute. It was hard to believe he was older than me.

‘With such a personality, he will be very popular after debuting.’

The ability to earn people’s affection without trying. I thought this was Ham Iwon’s most special talent.

However.

“Being able to energize others is amazing… Park Ha, you must have been born to be an idol.”

Iwon envied me. To hear that someone was born to be an idol…

It was funny, but at the same time, it felt like my efforts were acknowledged, making me feel a bit choked up. Was this the kind of praise I was looking for?

“…What if I had a father who often got drunk and hit people? What if I was glad about his death?”

It was a heavy question to ask someone I hadn’t known for long, but it was already out.

“Without experiencing it yourself, it’s hard to fully understand. I can’t add much to the conversation. But the encouragement from someone who has overcome trials must contain genuine sincerity. Isn’t that a more significant encouragement? That’s what I think.”

A dark past doesn’t define everything about a person. Overcoming a dark past can provide the nutrients for a bright and sunny disposition.

‘Even with a dark past, I can give and receive love, even if I’m not always bright.’

The realization came unexpectedly.

It would be hard to completely remove the ‘bright kid’ complex that had seeped into my personality, and I didn’t want to.

But there will come a day. A day when I can let go of everything and be honest with my members.

‘The biggest luck in my life is meeting my brothers… I’ll work hard as much as I’m grateful. Let’s definitely succeed, us.’