Chapter 27

From each other's eyes (2)

We would give and take appropriately. That was the implicit condition for maintaining our relationship. As long as one side didn't suffer too much, I was willing to endure to a certain extent.

Judging from Ham Iwon's behavior, he might break this condition soon, but surprisingly, he was sincere in his interpersonal relationships, albeit clumsy. Perhaps he was the type who naturally cared.

I could see him cautiously approaching, step by step, as if he had some kind of wound, and I felt restless seeing this. It felt like taming a stray cat. "You can come this far. Come closer. I'm not scary," I thought.

Ham Iwon, who poured his soul into practice, made me even more anxious. Being next to him, I ended up giving advice about dancing or nagging. Such behavior gradually became a part of my daily routine. One day, I had a chance to talk with Ham Iwon alone.

"Don't be too impatient. Your anxiety shows in your dance."

"Yeah... I was so eager to do well... Dance, like music, is a means of communication, but I had forgotten that for a moment."

"Ah."

Ham Iwon's unintentional comment stabbed me like a dagger.

'Have I lost my初心 (initial heart)?'

Only then did I understand why the teachers, who had praised me as excellent, still had a look of regret. Perhaps they were so regretful because it was a realization I had to gain on my own.

'You learn while teaching.'

The effect of this realization was immediately apparent in the monthly evaluation.

"...It feels like you've shed a layer. What kind of change in your mindset did you have?"

Without a moment of awakening, one's skills can stagnate or even regress. So, even unintentionally, I had received a significant help from Ham Iwon.

In my view, a relationship is established by mutually giving and taking. Therefore, I now owe him a debt.

'I will repay this favor for a long time.'

Perhaps someone like me, who is not cunning, should be wary of being taken advantage of.

It was a pleasant miscalculation.

* * *

Some people freely share their personal affairs, while others keep everything to themselves. I belonged to the latter.

I started my acting career as a child actor when I was cast as an advertisement model by chance. Until then, just appearing on TV was a novelty to me.

Acting was fun, and the praise I received after acting was sweet. I felt like I had become a special child who was indispensable, and it made me feel great.

However, as I moved from small roles to becoming the young version of the main character, I began to taste the bitter side of this world.

'No, before that, my dad must have been protecting me from getting hurt.'

My dad, who had been both my guardian and manager, decided to run the family business and moved to Yeosu with my mom and younger siblings. After that, the situation changed completely. The manager assigned by the agency was different from my dad.

He remained indifferent to the power struggles among child actors and didn't care whether I noticed that I was eliminated from auditions due to not giving bribes. To him, I was just a tool for making money.

Looking back, that manager pushed me to believe that if I acted well, everything would be fine.

'But acting can only solve acting-related issues.'

As a child, I naively believed that. I was driven by a sense of responsibility I had created for myself, to earn money for my youngest sibling, who had been sick since birth.

'But I didn't need to be so burdened by that sense of duty.'

Three years passed, and my youngest sibling underwent major surgery and entered a stable phase. Of course, regular check-ups and potential future surgeries were still necessary, but at least I could feel relieved for the moment.

Only then did the tension that had dominated my body disappear. The aftermath manifested physically, and I collapsed and was bedridden for a week.

After that, I lost my enthusiasm for acting. The acting that I once loved suddenly became boring.

My parents, who had belatedly realized my condition, which I had always claimed was fine, terminated my contract with the agency and took me to Yeosu.

"Just don't do anything and only go to school. Understand, honey?"

Shocked to learn that a mere middle school student had burnout syndrome, my parents begged me to just rest.

For a while, I just drifted aimlessly. When I said I didn't want to think about anything, I was encouraged to exercise. I quickly became absorbed in fitness and had a very ordinary school life, making friends at my new school. Then, I met a friend who liked hip-hop and started learning rap...

"You're more suited to be an idol. Your face is too good to waste as just a rapper."

"An idol?"

A word I had never considered popped out.

"No matter how I think about it, I can't see you fully entering the hip-hop world. Being an idol rapper might be better."

"Doesn't that not suit me?"

"Yeah. You're too delicate. It's like putting a priest among gangsters. The vibe is different, the vibe."

Having been told before that I looked like I went to church, even though I was originally a Christian, I felt a pang in my heart.

Looking back, my friend recommended being an idol rapper out of ignorance, but at the time, I thought, "I might be better as an idol rapper."

While taking a break, I gained new interests and wondered if I should properly learn acting.

It wasn't that I disliked acting, but rather that I lacked the motivation to do anything due to the stress.

When I told my parents that I wanted to study acting and become an idol rapper, they were worried.

I was much healthier than before and felt confident in my stamina. I sensed that I wouldn't tire easily.

I had to tell my parents that I wouldn't just endure and that if I couldn't handle it, I would quit and focus on my studies. I promised again that I wouldn't push myself too hard, having experienced burnout.

My younger siblings, who had taken a long time to get used to me after not seeing me for a long time, burst into tears when they heard that I had to leave again.

"When will you come back, Hyun-oppa?"

"Can I go with you, Yeongi?"

I wanted to grant the request of Yeongi, who was frail, but it was impossible. I could only see him when I came to Seoul for regular check-ups.

"I'll keep in touch. Jua, Yeong."

"This time, I won't even be able to see you on TV."

Jua, who is 8 years younger, was too young when I started my acting career. Her first memory of me was from a TV commercial, so I had nothing to say.

"I'm sorry, Jua..."

Starting my social life too early meant I spent far too little time with my family. All my younger siblings wanted was to be with me, but I couldn't grant that simple wish.

I came to Seoul amidst a sea of tears and entered Hanul Entertainment as a trainee. I was accepted into the Korean National University of Arts, which I had aimed for. It seemed that my acting experience was recognized.

Thanks to the stamina I had built up through exercise, the trainee life wasn't too difficult. I could have been stressed by the relationships with other trainees, but fortunately, I met good juniors and could focus on my own growth.

* * *

One day, Chorok brought a new trainee, Ham Iwon, an 18-year-old high school student.

Ham Iwon, who looked like a bisque doll, said singing was his specialty, but he didn't look like someone who could sing well. I thought he would be more suited to acting.

His lack of awareness and awkwardness in interpersonal relationships reminded me of someone.

Immediately, I was reminded of my younger self, who had been naively exploited.

A sense of empathy welled up instantly, and I hoped he wouldn't have to go through what I did.

Although there was only a three-year age gap, Ham Iwon was more like my innocent younger siblings.

'He won't be able to survive in the entertainment industry without knowing its dirtiness. Still, I hope nothing happens to him.'

I tried to pay a little more attention, be a little more considerate, and a little more kind. Before I knew it, I was treating him like a younger sibling.

"Seohun-hyung, you know you're being intense, right? The kid is on edge, but he's not made of glass."

Iwon, who couldn't gauge the distance, didn't seem to notice, but Chorok pointed it out immediately.

"I'll be more careful. I can't help but feel at ease with these kids."

"Ham Iwon is like that. He makes people around him anxious. Come to think of it, Iwon's parents must be amazing. If I were Seohun-hyung, I would have been overprotective."

"Haha. Got it. I'll be more careful."

Chorok's words made me realize how ridiculous I was. Even parents can't raise their children properly if they hover over them. How much more so for a trainee senior who has only known him for a short time.

"Kids can't be kept in your arms forever. They have to become independent. But why am I already feeling disappointed?"

Chorok laughed heartily at my words.

* * *

Hong Oran (洪旿爛). Bright "Or" with shining "Ran."

Despite the name given to me to shine brightly, my life was neither bright nor shining. It was rather dark and dull.

I had particularly bad luck since childhood. When it was my turn, the milk would run out, and when walking with friends, only I would get hit by bird droppings. Every time I played a game, I would lose.

It wasn't a matter of being careless. I had to force myself to accept the consolation that at least no major accidents happened.

Our family's financial situation was not good. My parents, who were poor, worked hard to build a home, but our situation didn't improve much until I was born.

Although we lived frugally, our home was harmonious, so I didn't harbor any resentment.

'If I succeed, I can lift our family up.'

I only realized how fortunate it was to have loving parents after losing them in a car accident.

"If I had known this, I wouldn't have complained! Even if I had bad luck all my life!"

Regretting it now was useless. My parents' death was irreversible.

After their funeral, I went through a period of extreme wandering. The early onset of adolescence only added to the confusion, and I didn't even notice the concern of my older brother or those around me.

I hated the world. I was so angry and resentful that I felt like I was going crazy.

The doctor's opinion that my parents could have survived if it wasn't a hit-and-run was worse than nothing.

The hit-and-run driver, who was a habitual drunk driver and had nothing to offer in compensation, was caught too late.

"Fuck! This is a joke!"

At just 12 years old, I had no hope for the future. I didn't expect any hope, so I didn't even try to live. My inability to expect even minor luck hindered me from having any hope.

I had no desire to smoke, drink, or engage in delinquency. I just stayed in my room, burning with anger at the world.

I had thought about bad things but couldn't bring myself to act on them. I was so exhausted that I was about to collapse, but I couldn't leave my older brother alone.

During my first year of middle school, one day my homeroom teacher urgently called me out of class, which was in the middle of a lesson. The serious expression on the teacher's face was the first thing I saw.

"Oran, the hospital just called. Your brother has collapsed..."

Thud.

My heart plummeted.