16. sorrow

(Warning: this chapter contains non-graphic depictions of violence in a non-sexual way:slapping, hair pulling)Fuck.. you didn't think it would affect you this much.You had been so over him so why are some of your feelings coming back again?For multiple months you had been at piece with the thought of Eren Yaeger. He was out of your life and with that out of your mind.It was going great. Everything was so chill and you had truly forgotten about him, or so you thought.Because after Eren had accidentally crashed into you at your local library, well probably not that accidentally, things changed.The thing you feared the most slowly crept into your life.At first you were feeling confident and like a bad bitch who can't feel emotion. You felt so powerful just letting him stand there, alone, without letting him explain or do anything against it. You had been in complete control.Eren got exactly what he deserved, no recognition.Eren had messed up big time and he deserved to be stood up. It was a great feeling but that shit never lasts. The first week after the incident had been an epiphany of highs but it didn't take long for you to slowly loose that high and get back to reality.You were putting a lot of thought into it and the more you thought about him, the more it was harder to be over it, over him.Your feelings were definitely not completely back. Not even close.But still... slowly they crept back into your mind and you couldn't stop thinking back to the times you had had together with Eren. You weren't even thinking about the sex. Okay, you were also thinking about the amazing sex but there were more important things.The things you treasured were the little things.Him always making sure to open the doors for you, him caring for you after a stressful day, him inviting you to a round of stargazing.If only he wouldn't have anger issues. If only Historia wouldn't exist. Everything would be fine without that nasty bitch.It should have been clear from the start that there had to be some sort of problem with Eren. He seemed perfect to the littlest detail.Perfect body, perfect personality, perfect eyes, perfect hair, perfect dance skills, perfect money, perfect house, perfect sex.It had been to good to be true. Something had to be wrong and now you knew what was.If only his imperfections were something else. Something you could deal with. Something that isn't fucking cheating and anger issues.To he honest, another reason why you couldn't put him to rest, was that you didn't know why.Why did he do it? There needs to be a reason. You aren't totally dumb. You would have noticed if he had only wanted you for your body. You would have even been fine with only sex but there was definitely more going on there.On top of that, why was Eren looking scared while kissing Historia? Why wasn't he glaring at you in a cocky and confident way?Not knowing the 'why' made it hard for you to move on.If only you knew what his problem was, maybe you could feel relieved and fully let go....Despite the fact that some of your feelings were coming back, they still weren't significantly dominant and you were able to handle them.You were still doing fine and it wasn't bothering you that much.You were still able to just go about your day and also have periods of time where you didn't think about him at all.But Eren Yaeger always stayed at the back of your mind. Somewhere in the very back._______________________________________"I thought you were over him.""I swear Sasha I was, it's just that after seeing him again it reminded me of the times we had.""So you were obviously not over him because if you would have been, we wouldn't be talking about this bullshit right now.""I agree, didn't you feel really confident after putting Eren in his place? It must have felt like a total victory"You awkwardly shifted your gaze back to Annie."Yes I did but it just kind of faded away afterwards. Damn I don't know man... it's just really complicated.""Hmm I mean you'll get over him someday. There are plenty of men out there you know. What about that Raynear guy?""You mean Reiner haha? Nah, I mean it was fun while it lasted but it was just sex there was clearly nothing serious between us.""Ohh okay. Hmm thinking about it the wedding invitations would look pretty weird. Reiner? That just sounds and looks weird.""Sasha, I am not even close to marriage. Besides, maybe I don't even want to get married. I don't know if that's my thing you know? Yeah okay his name is kind of weird. I think it's german or something like that.""Whatever, I'm sure you will get over him. A little heartbreak here and there is inevitable. Besides, I'm sure you will find yourself a new domi mcdomerson. You get it? You know? Dominant?""Very funny Sasha. Don't act like you two don't have your own kinks. Y'all do things I wouldn't even dream of doing. Y'all do some crazy shit. Next to you I am vanilla and a virgin."...The evening with Sasha and Annie had been great. They never fail to make you feel better about the whole situation.On top of that the food was immaculate. Sushi at this little Japanese restaurant tasted like heaven on earth.After dinner had ended, the three of you parted ways. Well basically Sasha and Annie were heading to Annie's place to do God knows what.After knowing you for a while they knew that hugging was not a thing you particularly enjoyed so they just quickly gave their verbal goodbyes and left the restaurant hand in hand.You finished your glass of wine, before slowly making your way outside again.But you didn't want to go home just yet. It was that kinda night.You entered a random train into a random direction and kept going until it felt right to get off.You looked for a seat at the very back and next to a window. You layed your head against it to look outside and watch the beautiful city line passing by.You plugged in your earphones and played some calming songs to get into the right mindset.Your favorite was a remix of both 'daddy issues' by the neighborhood and 'do I wanna know' by Arctic Monkeys.The vibration of the train against the window sent shivers down your body but you still enjoyed it.It was very consistent and because of that it felt comforting in a way.Finally you decided to get off and walk around a little to clear your mind.But of course your needy ass mind decided to unconsciously get off at meds Beach. Of course...This was the place Eren and you had gazed up at the stars months ago when everything was still going significantly well. Whatever, just because that happend doesn't mean you wouldn't be allowed to visit this beautiful beach ever again.In the end of the day it's just a beach and it's free for anyone to visit anytime.You kicked of your shoes at the starting point of the cool sand to not get them dirty.You slowly walked over to the ocean.You looked into the distance and chuckled remembering an episode of attack on titan that you had finished a few weeks ago. The one where they finally reached the ocean.Thinking of that show lead you back to the one who recommended it to you, but you just pushed those thoughts away and started mindlessly walking along the shore.You took very deep breaths inhaling the cool smell of salt that radiated from the ocean."Hey.""Good eve-"wait..Of course... was this a romance novel or why does he always have to catch you at your most vulnerable states?"And what are you doing here Eren?Don't tell me you were following me.""Pah, in your dreams. Remember that I told you I come here almost every night?""Cocky much?""Yeah yeah sorry""Just leave me alone, I can't deal with you right now."You turned around and headed into the other direction when Eren stopped you by holding onto your wrist.This time you turned around immediately and... damn.The moonlight was hitting his backside perfectly and giving his silhouette a beautiful shine.Eren had gotten even prettier than before....Whatever, he's not worth it."Do I have to repeat myself again? I'm not fucking interested!"You tried to free yourself from his grip but this time Eren wasn't having it. He continued grabbing your wrist even harder and looked deep into your eyes."Y/n, please let me try to explain myself. Please... I've been thinking about you this whole time.""And I am supposed to believe that bullshit?""Look, you don't have to take me back okay? I just want you to understand why I did it. Please? Come with me to my place one last time."You wanted to say no so fucking bad. You wanted to slap him, hurt him turn around, run away and forget about him so bad.But something was keeping you from doing something against him.Something Eren was doing, was making you want to say yes and go with him one last time and finally, you had no other choice, than to give in to him."One. Last. Time.""One last time..."Eren let go of your wrist and you turned away from him immediately.There was no way you were going to give him the satisfaction. You stayed cold the whole walk back to where your shoes had been laying.And that energy stayed that way throughout the whole car ride back to his place."Oh come on don't give me the silent treatment y/n.""You better bet your ass I am giving you the-""Mhm"This man was driving you mad and this time not in a sexy or seductive way.It was far from turning you on. If anything it was making you more fired up but it was too late. You were already in his car and you could tell you were almost at his place.As soon as the engine stopped Eren was out of his car, sprinting over to the other side to open your car door but you weren't going to let that happen. You pushed open the door by yourself and even managed to hit him with it a little bit.The impact of the door didn't really hurt him but you were sure that you had at least brought the message across.By now you knew your way through the appartement building and Eren just silently followed you trying to not make you uncomfortable.He failed miserably at that aspect.Finally you arrived at his door step and awkwardly waited for him to unlock it.You hadn't been at his apartment for a while but it still looked and especially smelled exactly like the last time you had been there.The smell brought back all of the memories you had gathered at his place and you briefly went through them in your head.You kicked of your shoes once more and positioned yourself directly infront of Eren."okay, now explain."To be honest, you were kind of looking forward to this exact moment. You were still extremely angry but giving him a chance at explaining himself would put the whole situation at piece."Okay so first and foremost I am incredibly sorry. I fucked up so bad and I can't apologize enough. I can't believe I did what I did because, because I think I have fallen for you."Even if you somehow felt the same way you were way to stubborn and annoyed to say it back."Go on.. cool you like me amazing blablabla and now I need a godamn explanation."For some reason your confidence was slowly fading away with every word that left Eren's lips. Your body was taken over by rage but at the same time sadness?It was an uncanny feeling that you had never felt before and for some reason you could feel yourself tear up. Your body was just totally overwhelmed by all of the different emotions that were rushing through your body and mind."I was jealous okay?! That fucking bastard Jean!! For some fucked up reason on multiple occasions you were backing him up and were on his side and just... FUCK!! I thought that the two of you for sure still had something going on so, so I... but she... I didn't want to but..she forced- .. it wasn't my fucking fault that bastard Jean and you... of course I would get jealous"Erens energy changed drastically aswell. He was also filling up with extreme rage and sorrow.You already had enough of his bullshit apology because he was obviously not getting to the point and leaving out the most important information. Yes Eren was telling you about his jealousy but you could tell there was way more to his story but he still wouldn't tell you everything.Eren was starting to blame you now?!?Because you backed up Jean a couple of times?You got more fired up by the second and through the immense rage a couple of tears rolled down your face."YOU GAVE ME A FUCKING REASON TO BE JEALOUS BECAUSE OF JEAN GODAMNIT. I DIDN'T- HISTORIA... she... I didn't want to."You looked deep into his eyes with a disgusted and cold stare."Eren Yaeger, you will never change. You have always been and you will forever be a manipulative cocky bastard."You walk up to him while not breaking eye contact for even a split second.Suddenly you couldn't control yourself anymore and you slaped him across his face...hard..You put all of your strength, anger and rage that you had accumulated over the past few months into the movement, letting out all of your disgust and hatred that you were feeling in that moment.Automatically his face turned to the side due to the impact of your hand. His cheek slowly turned into a red color and you could even see little marks for each one of your fingers.But instead of looking defeated his lips curled into a grin showing you that even if his face was flushing red it didn't hurt at all and he was even enjoying it in a messed up masochistic way. You couldn't believe the audacity of this man.You pushed his chest out of completele shock and rage. Again you used all of your force to relieve all of your hatred onto his body."I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!" You pushed him back once more with all of the force your body could handle and this time it seemed to have actually hurt him as he stumbled back against the nearest wall.You walked up to him again. You were so irritated and angry at his presence and wanted to let out all of your feelings again and hit him even harder this time. But when you finally reached him something different took over your body in an instant. You swung your dominant hand behind his back and pulled his hair harshly forcing his head back.Finally, you reached out for his shirtand crashed your lips against his.Eren froze up for a second, confused by your sudden change of movement but quickly realized your intentions and stuck out his tongue to allow you entrance into his mouth. With that Eren automatically contorted the kiss into a more intense and forceful makeout session.You couldn't hold yourself back and there was no way you were stopping right now.You were going all in just like you had promised the night you went back to his place for the first time.You kissed Eren with such an insane amount of force to show him how much you hate him, how much he fucking hurt you and he didn't do anything to stop you and just continued intensifying the kiss to show you that he understood exactly why you did what you did.You hated this man so fucking much but you couldn't resist the temptation. His presence was intimidating you in the best way possible.You knew this was so wrong. Eren didn't deserve this. Not in the slightest.But this new greedy feeling completely took over and it was too late...There was no turning back now...