19. abandon

abandon 'Abandon means to give up or discontinue any further interest in something because of discouragement, weariness, distaste, or the like: to abandon one's efforts. Relinquish implies being or feeling compelled to give up something one would prefer to keep: to relinquish a long-cherished desire.'~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Slowly but surely the pain was indulging every cell in your body.How the hell were you supposed to deal with this, with him?It isn't easy, it isn't fucking easy.In fact, it was so hard that you couldn't even decipher what was actually wrong with you or your emotions and feelings.There was no way for you to describe the things you were feeling at that moment. It was just such a weird mixture out of every possible emotion in the book. AngerGrief SadnessJealousy Inconvenience RageConfusion Relief FearLove?Was it love, really? Yes it fucking was. If it wasn't love you wouldn't be having these conversations with yourself. But it was the most toxic love you had ever experienced.You repeated the same thoughts in your head every day without a doubt in your mind.Why, just why? It's always the same questions.Why did he do it? Why did he apologize but not explain? Is he still in touch with that bitch? Fear, why the hell fear? Why can't he just explain why? It would make things so much easier if he would just...Does he really love me? How could he love me when he treated me like that? Do people change? Once a cheater always a cheater? Did he really cheat or was Historia the person in the wrong? Would he have forgiven you if you had cheated? Would you normally forgive cheating?All of those questions were ringing in your head not only when you were alone but also when you were with him. You couldn't really enjoy the moments with him anymore because even if he gave you constant and I mean CONSTANT reassurance you couldn't bring yourself to believe it.How could you?Eren cheated. If it really wasn't his fault and your theory had been correct that Historia did something to him, why wouldn't he say that?If he was in the right, why would he keep that from you?It doesn't add up.There was no doubt about it, Eren Yaeger had actually fallen in love with you. You knew he wasn't lying.At least there is something you can be sure of...But that doesn't change his actions.Why the fuck doesn't it add up?You are the type of person who can't just let things rest if it isn't completed in your mind.You are an 'all in' type of person.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Finally you made your decision.You were going to break up with him.For real this time, there isn't any going back and crying over him, no.This is the real shit.It's the best for you and you knew you should be more selfish sometimes and push away toxic people.If he really was in the right and it wasn't his fault he would definitely say that when you break up with him, right? So basically the situation can end in two ways.Either Eren doesn't have a good explanation and you go separate ways or he finally brings himself to tell the truth and you will have to think about it again.To be honest, both of these scenarios aren't ideal but it's the only thing that will make you feel relieved, finally.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~You looked down at you phone one last time before hoping into the shower.His answer to a meet up at Meds Beach was as sweet as ever. Obviously Eren said yes. How would he know what your plans actually were?The warm water almost felt euphoric against your skin. It trailed down your torso and down your legs until it finally hit the ground.God, how much you missed hot showers. You normally shower cold except for well, when you prepare for something that is going to wreck your nervous system and this evening is going to do just that.Okay, you had broken up with a couple of guys before but you couldn't lie to yourself anymore. This was different, very fucking different.Damn, this shit is going to hurt like a bitch.You tried to convince yourself desperately that you were indeed doing the right thing but it didn't really help.You were as confused as ever.After you finally hoped back out of the shower you decided to put a little more effort into you outfit. Eren and you love to do this thing where you dress up formally to go to the beach together.Okay, maybe it was just an excuse to see him in a suit because Eren looks hella attractive in suits.But it is also very fun and just an amazing experience to share.You didn't put on a lot of makeup but you put your hair into a lazy updo.You slipped into a maroon dress that hugged you curves in all the right places without being provocative or however old people like to describe short dresses.Finally you looked at yourself in the mirror one last time."You have fun okay?""You know it Sasha.""I still don't like that guy and I never will.""Haha I can definitely see why. Don't worry everything will be fine. By the way you don't have to wait up it could take a while.""Alright goodnight.""Night."Oh how much you hated lying to your best friend.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The train was slowly getting closer and closer to Meds Beach and with every minute your heart sank deeper and deeper into you chest.There was no turning back now.It's all in, all in.Finally the train stopped at the by now well known train station right next to Meds Beach and the Italian restaurant.Just looking at the small and cozy restaurant shot tears back into your eyes but you quickly bit you tongue and sucked those tears right back up again."Keep yourself together y/n. You are the one who is breaking it off."But it didn't matter how often you told yourself those lies it didn't change how you truly felt inside.You slowly made your way along the pavement next to the beach until you saw a certain man standing in the salty water being illuminated by the cold moon light.You slowly tried to sneak up on him but Eren obviously would not let that happen. Just seconds before you could reach out to him and scare him he turned around and grabbed your wrist.Damn, Eren was as handsome as always."Nice try darling, next time try to not breathe so heavily when you sneak up on me"Next time... there won't be a next time."Fuck you.""Right now?"You couldn't help it. Your lips curled into a grin. And the grin was one hundred percent genuine. Eren always knew how to loose up the situation and make it less awkward."H a h a very funny.""I can see your grin and I must admit it looks very challenging.""Okay okay you're right."You noticed how Eren's eyes were slowly walking down your entire body.You love the way he does that. He makes it so that you can feel the tension build up but it doesn't feel like he is only wanting you for your body or it doesn't feel like Eren sees you as an object.How is Eren always so respectful?"Yes I know I am irresistible aren't I?""Indeed, come on let's walk along the sea."Eren took you hand in his and slowly guided you into the water. You had to admit it felt very appreciative and calming.The salty water was dampening your feet in a calm but irregular pattern.Wait, you couldn't allowed to let you mind wander off like that. You can't forget what you called him here for.You came to an abrupt stop and Eren stopped almost at the same time because he could already tell something was wrong as well."Darling, is everything okay? School, applications? You can tell me everything."You felt your breath hitch in your neck as you desperately try to finally get the words out of your mouth.It isn't helping that Eren was being so genuine and gentle by slightly sqeezing your hand to reassure you that everything was okay."Eren, w-"Keep it together y/n, don't let the tears come out."We need to talk."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~