Chapter 39

### Chapter 39: Reflection (10)

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#34

——In the end, it’s like this again.

Rubiya clenched the hand she had placed on her thigh. Her body, seated in the chair, naturally shrank. Perhaps it was because a chill had blown in, making her feel cold. She found it difficult to meet Shuriel’s eyes, which gazed at her so earnestly.

Yes.

……This was why.

Someone she knew.

Someone who had been close and friendly all along, now standing before her, suddenly felt burdensome.

Rubiya felt a sense of déjà vu from the many times this had happened over the past three years, but at the same time, she felt a deep sense of regret.

“Um, well… that is…”

She tried to act as if everything was fine, but her eyes trembled, and her lips were dry. She couldn’t think of what to say to Shuriel, who had done so much for her, and her mind went blank.

Feelings, emotions. They couldn’t be controlled by individuals. It was truly paradoxical.

Clearly, they were her own feelings, yet she couldn’t control them as she wished.

She felt the blood rush to her face and chest. Her breathing became uneven, and her head slowly lowered. The sounds around her grew distant, and soon she couldn’t hear anything.

……Thump, thump.

In the quiet space.

Rubiya’s heart began to beat faster.

Shuriel was a good senior.

He was an excellent person, respected by all the academy students for his character, skills, and background.

Even if there were nasty rumors about him among the students, there was not a single rumor about Shuriel de La Parte during her three years at the academy.

He was clean, kind, handsome, and admirable. The words used by the female students who praised Shuriel endlessly always included such terms.

Moreover, after being the top student in the Ministry of Magic last year, he had now become a formal mage of Akasha’s Star. He was truly an impressive person. Rubiya had ample reason to respect Shuriel as a mage.

Yes. Rubiya respected Shuriel.

She also thought he was a good person.

He always took good care of her, and because of that, Rubiya felt she owed him a lot. Whether it was gratitude or something else, she needed to repay him.

Most importantly, Shuriel was the one who had saved her when she was kidnapped, even getting seriously injured in the process. His genuine concern for his junior was natural, and beyond that…

……That’s what it was.

She thought Shuriel might be a bit different. From his usual behavior, she could tell that he treated her more specially than other juniors, but she had only known that much.

A good senior-junior relationship that benefited both of them. To Rubiya, Shuriel was a mentor and a friend.

But it wasn’t.

At some point, Shuriel had already stopped seeing her as just a junior.

The moment she realized this.

Rubiya felt an overwhelming fear.

Shuriel, who had always been kind and gentle, now seemed frightening.

Many futures were possible.

By rejecting this, Rubiya would inevitably drift away from Shuriel. This wasn’t the first time she had faced a similar situation. Rubiya wanted to get along with everyone as much as possible.

But it was impossible.

Whenever she was a bit kind to a male classmate, he would secretly call her and make an unexpected confession.

Such days continued.

Rubiya, who had yet to fully understand the concept of love, could only feel sorry when faced with the confessions of male classmates she didn’t have any romantic feelings for.

By rejecting them, she knew they would be hurt. It was sad and regretful, but there was no other way. She couldn’t accept a confession from someone she didn’t like or love.

If she had accepted them, she would have already accepted Elio’s sudden confession long ago.

Yes.

If it had been Elio.

……When Elio confessed, she had felt something similar. It was scary and frightening, but it felt different. Shuriel was burdensome, and she felt a sense of rejection. The thought of the various things that would happen if they became a couple made her feel uncomfortable.

At this point, the answer was almost certain.

——Rubiya did not love Shuriel.

Her deep thoughts flowed like a stream, eventually reaching a point. It was about Elio.

When Elio, who had been avoiding her, finally called her. Rubiya was very happy. There, she heard Elio’s sincere words. It was scary and frightening, just like now.

The six years with Elio, the one year with Shuriel. It was always scary to destroy a relationship built over time. This was common. However, there was something subtly different between the two.

If she thought about the various acts that would follow if they became a couple, as she had heard from friends, Shuriel was the first to make her feel uncomfortable. It was an instinctive sense of rejection.

But, Elio… she wasn’t sure.

What she could say for sure was that she didn’t feel as strongly negative about Elio as she did about Shuriel.

If she delved deeper, it was closer to a fear of the unknown, but Rubiya didn’t reach that point.

Most importantly, she had no certainty. Most of what Rubiya knew about love came from watching her parents, who had raised her with love.

They seemed to be happy without any worries. They looked more comfortable with each other than with anyone else. They could open up and rely on each other, and their relationship seemed unbreakable, like it would last forever.

Perhaps that’s why. Even after entering Lorsen Academy and seeing her friends in relationships, Rubiya couldn’t understand them well. Fundamentally, her emotions were different from those of many other teenage girls.

She couldn’t find the comfort of the love she knew in any of the boys, so it was impossible for her to even start.

Even Shuriel, with whom she had become a bit more comfortable over the year, was no different.

Now that he had said such things, Rubiya felt she couldn’t treat Shuriel as she used to…

“Ah, um…”

Rubiya’s words rolled around in her mouth for a while.

It felt like she had been sitting there thinking for two minutes. Her cheeks were hot, and she couldn’t even figure out how to start.

How could she say such things to someone she was grateful to?

Even if he had always had such feelings, the fact that he had taken such good care of her meant he had genuinely cared for her.

Moreover, even if he had saved her life…

Rubiya couldn’t bring herself to do it.

“…I, Senior.”

After a long time, Rubiya finally moved her lips.

She finally made up her mind and lifted her head.

“There are still many things I haven’t thanked you for, and I want to repay you for all the help you’ve given me. This time, I’ve ended up owing you even more, and I don’t want to do anything terrible to you, Shuriel Senior—”

Right then.

“Ah, that’s enough. It’s fine now.”

“…Yes, yes?”

Shuriel suddenly raised a hand.

He had been waiting patiently for her response, but he cut her off before she could finish.

Then, Shuriel smiled bitterly.

“I had a rough idea, so it’s not a big shock. I told you to take your time and think about it, but you came up with an answer so quickly that even I could tell. Well, even if I hadn’t, I already expected this result… so it’s fine to say it now.”

Then he asked Rubiya.

“No matter what, it’s a rejection, right?”

“…”

In the end, she was hurting Shuriel Senior too.

Rubiya closed her mouth and slowly nodded.

“Yes, that’s how it is…”

Shuriel muttered.

“Rubiya.”

“…Yes, Senior.”

He suddenly said something quite shocking.

“I’m—going to return the position of formal mage I received this time.”

“…What? Return it?”

Rubiya’s eyes widened.

“Yes.”

“Why… why?”

Shuriel spoke calmly.

“It’s the right thing to do.”

“…The right thing?”

What did he mean?

“Of course. It’s completely wrong. How can I sleep soundly, deceiving the people around me and the world with achievements I didn’t even set myself? I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in weeks. I keep thinking about it.”

“What do you mean…”

“It was beyond my capabilities anyway. I tried to let it go, but no one believed me.”

Rubiya’s questioning gaze was natural, and Shuriel, brushing off the snowflakes on his sleeve, said:

“After the promotion, I found it very difficult in many aspects. I realized this after experiencing it firsthand. I realized that it’s better for me to do odd jobs and gain experience for a while. Being among such great people, I felt like I was going to die. Hahaha!”

“Shuriel Senior…?”

Rubiya was slightly taken aback.

Shuriel scratched the back of his head awkwardly and laughed heartily. To Rubiya, who had known him for a long time, this was an extremely awkward and perhaps even a new side of Shuriel.

“Ah, yeah, isn’t it better to laugh than to cry? I think so. Well, I knew you would reject me, but I didn’t feel like I had any energy, hahaha…”

As his tone became more bitter, Rubiya slowly bowed her head, feeling guilty.

“…I’m sorry, Senior.”

“What’s there to be sorry for?”

Shuriel smiled.

“Love isn’t something you can achieve with effort.”

“…”

Rubiya closed her mouth.

As silence fell, Shuriel checked his wristwatch and then stretched his neck a few times before speaking again.

“I’ve said everything I wanted to say about inviting you to Akasha’s Star. Now, there’s only one last thing I need to say to you.”

Shuriel turned to Rubiya and continued.

“—Rubiya, I have something to tell you. No one else, but you… must hear this.”

#35

A deep night, with moonlight pouring down like mist.

“…”

Rubiya.

She was sitting on a bench on the outdoor terrace, lost in thought.

—The day you and I went missing.

Even now.

The conversation from around lunchtime is vivid in her mind.

—The one who saved you… wasn’t me.

—Unlike that boy, I was pitifully unable to break through the barrier you were sucked into and was chased by the monsters outside, suffering. The scars on my body were from the fierce battles with them.

—While I wanted to save you at the cost of my life… I didn’t contribute anything to your safe return.

—That boy, on the other hand, broke through the barrier with his own strength. He looked like a ball of light.

—In front of my eyes, he pushed his way into the barrier and faced the three demons inside alone. And, just as I was barely surviving the monsters and looking for another chance in the forest, it was all over.

—That boy killed all the demons.

—Then… he saved you safely.

—He was covered in blood. From what I saw at the scene… it was questionable whether he was even alive. He was in such a state that he could have died at any moment, but he moved. He held on, in a near-death state, and said he had somewhere to go before leaving.

—He entrusted you to me.

—…This is the entire truth of the incident that was not made public.

—Rubiya, as the person involved, I think you must know this.

—The boy told me not to tell the truth… but how could I do that? No matter how I thought about it, hiding the truth didn’t seem to be for your benefit. Most importantly, I had to say this to alleviate my guilt.

—…Who is that boy?

—It’s the boy you often talk about. He looks exactly like the photos, so it was easy to recognize him.

—Of course, everything I’m saying is the truth. There’s no reason to lie now. So, I came to tell you that the one who saved you was not me but that boy—Elio Crani.

“…”

Recalling the conversation.

Rubiya covered her mouth with her hand.

Memories surfaced. Faint memories.

In the midst of the chaos, she had vaguely called out someone’s name… a fleeting image passed through her mind.

…The person who was holding me.

It was Elio?

Rubiya’s emerald eyes trembled uncontrollably. Shuriel wasn’t the type to lie about something like this. It wasn’t something to joke about lightly. She had to believe it.

Elio’s sudden withdrawal.

What she had heard from Miu.

Shuriel’s testimony…

If all of this was because he had tried to save her.

If Elio had risked his life to save her and ended up in a state where it was questionable whether he was even alive…

She, who had called out Shuriel Senior’s name, completely unaware of everything.

…The one who saved her was someone else.

What was Elio thinking at the time?

Did he feel disappointed in her? Despair?

Whatever it was, it certainly wasn’t a good feeling.

What did I do?

It was unacceptable to say she didn’t know Elio was there. She understood. No, she didn’t understand. Why did she do that, Rubiya? The one there was Elio, not Shuriel Senior.

By involving Elio in such a severe situation. By reducing him to a state of near-death. Killing three demons? In a near-death state? Is he really okay? Her mind was so twisted that she couldn’t even think rationally.

“A, ah…”

Elio.

Elio…

…Where are you now?

In the end, it was all because of her.

When she heard those words from Shuriel, she had to quickly take out a handkerchief to wipe away the tears that started to flow.

Even now.

“…U, ah. Ah… Ah…”

Her heart ached as if it were being torn apart.

Thinking about how badly Elio must have been hurt because of her, and how she had given him another wound by mistakenly believing Shuriel Senior had saved her…

She needed to apologize, to make amends.

Once wouldn’t be enough, and even endless apologies would be insufficient. She