Chapter 65

### Chapter 65: The Same Path, Different Dreams (9)

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#16

Humans have always been distinguished from birds. Unlike them, who cry out and live in nature according to their innate instincts, we possess reason. We can deeply contemplate and think about various phenomena and things.

I am not an animal.

Therefore, to clear my muddled mind, I stepped outside. The boiling emotions, like lava, began to cool and settle. The peaceful chirping of birds, in stark contrast to my current state, filled the air. This was nature, and this was peace.

It's good.

To think, I had to empty my thoughts. The sky was high and blue, empty and vast. I wished to clear my mind as well, but it was far from easy. Too many things had happened in a short time, too many incomprehensible conversations, and too many heavy emotional exchanges. My brain's capacity had its limits.

It was the same with Rubia.

I, too, was not in my right mind.

If Rubia had been suffering because of me, I felt a sense of responsibility and guilt and wanted to have a conversation. I wanted to wipe away the sadness from her eyes. Rubia had always been a bright, radiant, and beautiful child.

I couldn't bear to see her weak and stumbling, pretending to be fine to avoid worrying others. That's why I called her here.

But the result is this.

...Where did it all go wrong?

No matter how much I wracked my brain, I couldn't find an answer. If it were easy, there would have been no need to worry in the first place.

The hand that had been resting on my head slowly slid down to cover my face. I swept my face with both hands, sighing.

...Why did you say that, Rubia?

I know. Rubia is not in her right mind. She was standing precariously on a cracked glass floor. It was clear she hadn't slept well for a long time. She had lost a lot of weight, her lips were swollen, and her nails were bitten down to the quick.

These were the signs of someone who was on the brink of madness, or perhaps afraid. Rubia had revealed the source of her fear.

It was me.

She was afraid of losing me.

I couldn't gauge the exact extent, but it was clear she had been looking for me a lot. Despite all that, she couldn't find me. The fear that I might be dead or lost forever had made her afraid, and slowly, that fear began to consume her.

Then, we finally met again.

I won't lose you again.

That must have been her thought.

After meeting me again, after finally resolving the long separation, and in a place where our memories were vividly projected, a flood of indescribable emotions must have overwhelmed her.

She said she didn't want me to go anywhere.

She said she felt anxious when I was out of sight.

In the end, the last time, I was badly hurt in a place where Rubia couldn't see me. As a result, I lost some important memories.

Memories. That's where my thoughts led me.

If I regain those lost memories,

How should I treat Rubia?

It would have been fine if we were just friends. That was why I brought Rubia here in the first place.

Even if regaining my memories means I can no longer accept her in my mind. Ultimately, I made that choice, and once I took responsibility, I had to stick with it.

Even if I can't be as close as before, I decided to be friends. I would finally put that into practice.

But, if you say something like that here,

What am I supposed to do?

I know it was a slip of the tongue, said in a state of mind that was not normal. Rubia needed rest, both physically and mentally.

Rubia made a mistake.

A mistake is not a sin. It's a matter of whether it was intentional or not. So, Rubia must not have had any ill intentions.

No matter the reason for rejecting my confession three years ago, no matter how far apart we had drifted, no matter what realization she had after losing me—

If she truly values me,

Even saying something that should never be said, I could have forgiven it as a one-time mistake.

We were too young. We still are.

When I confessed to Rubia back then, my feelings were similar to hers now—fear of losing her, fear of her being taken away by someone else. I wanted to monopolize Rubia all to myself. Most of my feelings were dark and damp, like a writhing snake.

I was afraid. Afraid that Rubia would leave me. She was everything to me, and the thought of a life without her was utterly bleak.

A lot of time has passed.

Rubia was making a mistake, just like I did back then.

Or maybe not.

It was just late. Very late.

Perhaps we had the same thoughts from the beginning. Maybe the difference was in how we expressed and accepted them.

I was not Rubia, and Rubia was not me. Even as old childhood friends, we couldn't know each other's deepest thoughts. If I had, I wouldn't have confessed so impulsively.

In the end, we were still strangers.

Just as I couldn't understand Rubia's thoughts, she couldn't understand mine.

Without communication, nothing can be understood. Humans have minds to think and mouths to express those thoughts. Not using them when they are meant to be used is bound to cause problems.

So, communication was needed.

That's why I said it.

My childhood friend, who had rejected me, said she seemed to love me.

Humans have reason. We have the ability to judge what is normal and what is not. Yet, I was accepting her words instinctively, not rationally.

I was very angry, and my fists were tightly clenched.

I didn't know who I was angry at.

Suppressing the unexpressed rage, I walked out of the cabin.

The hot emotions had cooled, and now they felt strangely inorganic and empty.

It wasn't joy or sadness.

The anger was brief.

I had loved Rubia. My first love. My first heartbreak. Those intense feelings were undeniably pure and mine. Now, I can laugh when I think about it. The time I spent with Rubia was all happy. The past me who loved Rubia remained in those memories.

The warmth of the hand I held, the warmth of the forehead I touched, the small thrills I kept to myself.

All of that remained.

There was nothing here now.

Just that.

I can't love anyone anymore.

I accepted this unfortunate reality.

That pathetic sight must have been pitiful.

I was comforting myself.

Giving up on Rubia was, in the end, a good thing. I still had other tasks to complete. I just needed to set Rubia's misplaced emotions right and focus on my own tasks. Now that we understand each other's feelings, that's enough.

As close friends. With Miu, ... I need to have more conversations to figure it out.

It's complicated.

My head hurts.

Indeed, emotions and feelings make people tired. They make you think of formless things as if they have form. They are something you own but can't control. It's all futile.

I wanted to clear my head and do some exercise. Where should I go tonight? Maybe I should call Gabriel and have a bet.

— Then, if, I, now, Edio, if I say I think I love you...

Damn.

Can you get out of my head?

I keep thinking about it because you're so close. I need to figure out how to resolve this first.

Coming outside was the right choice. My head was calmer, and my heart was at peace. Before I left, I thought I might say something I shouldn't to Rubia. Now, I don't think so. I can go back, comfort and soothe her, and calm her down.

That's a relief.

It is a relief, but...

The taste in my mouth was still bitter.

I had just drunk something overly sweet, but the bitterness on my tongue wouldn't go away.

#17

I made a complete fool of myself.

Sitting alone on a bench like a tragic novel's protagonist, I suddenly found it funny and returned to the cabin.

Creak...

Rubia was curled up in the rocking chair.

Her sobs had stopped, and she had buried her head between her knees, not showing her face. But I could tell without seeing. Her face must be swollen. And when I opened the door, I saw her flinch.

"Rubia."

"..."

The teacup on the table was only empty on my side. It's a shame; I had specially made it for her. In the end, she only took one sip.

"Are you feeling better?"

I asked as I sat on the sofa.

I heard a soft breath, and then her voice slowly came out. The first word was hoarse, as if her voice had cracked from crying.

"..."

"I don't know."

"Hmm, not knowing is a problem."

"..."

"Just kidding. You're better than before, right?"

"..."

She nodded silently. That was enough.

"What time is your next class?"

"5:00."

There's still a long time.

My last class was at 4:00 PM.

We confirmed that we had no other commitments until our next class, so we had free time. I was hungry because I hadn't eaten lunch. It seemed neither of us had the presence of mind to feel hungry.

Would anyone come to the cabin?

Probably not.

New students might, but seniors, having gotten used to the life, preferred to rest in the luxurious dorms.

"I'll make more tea. Let's rest here."

The remaining tea had cooled, but I didn't want to waste it, so I poured it into my mouth, just like before. The sound of gulping made Rubia lift her head slightly, but she didn't look at me.

I poured the steaming tea into a new cup, added honey, and spoke.

"...I know what you're afraid of. But I have no intention of leaving. I won't be expelled from the Epic Class unless I cause a major accident. My goal is to graduate without any incidents in five years."

"..."

"I'll be by your side, Rubia. I won't go anywhere. You don't need to feel anxious just because I'm not visible."

As your closest friend.

"So, don't rush into conclusions."

"..."

You must have been very confused. I was too. After resting, with a clear mind, you can think it through. Once the underlying anxiety is resolved, the old Rubia who valued me as a friend will return.

It's better to believe that.

I held my cup. The taste was the same as before. I haven't learned much about tea, so I don't know the quality, but this should be passable.

Of course, the magic device for water is excellent. What can I do? Using tools well is also a skill.

"Here."

I said, placing the cup on the table.

I didn't expect her to pick it up immediately.

I sat on the opposite sofa and savored the tea.

Rubia's long, light pink hair was visible. Her head was tilted slightly. Her thin calves and thighs were exposed, unusually white. Her skin has always been resistant to tanning.

After the third sip, Rubia's legs slowly lowered.

The handkerchief I had given her was damp. She must have used it to wipe her tears.

Her face, still red from crying, was still a source of embarrassment, so she carefully reached for the cup handle.

She blew on the surface to cool it and took a sip.

I asked, "How is it?"

"...It's warm."

"That's obvious."

"..."

She had laughed and said "hehe" before.

Since she didn't say anything, I didn't push it.

My goal was for Rubia to feel as comfortable as possible during this time. I didn't want to give her more to think about by saying more.

The clock's second hand ticked away.

I had almost finished my tea, and Rubia had drunk about half. I thought she would only take a few sips, but she drank more than expected. The warmth was making her drowsy, and she seemed to be falling asleep. Her drowsy eyes were visible from the rocking chair. Her eyes were still red. She would stay like that for a while.

A cool breeze blew through the cabin's window frame. If it were cherry blossom season, petals would have been carried in. But only a chilly wind blew.

There were no blankets or coats. Rubia's light pink hair gently swayed. The cold wind made my shoulders shiver. Rubia was the same. She was staring blankly into space, lost in thought. I checked that there was enough firewood in the fireplace and immediately channeled my magic.

Whoosh.

The fireplace roared to life with a warm flame.

I held my palm up. It was warm.

"Magic is still difficult."

But it was fun. The more I learned, the more fascinating it became. I was generally an observer of magic, not a user.

It was like living fantasy. Being able to use a little magic made me feel like a child again.

"Actually, it's not just magic that's difficult. Everything is. I couldn't handle swordsmanship, magic, or alchemy. I knew the theory, but my body wouldn't follow, so I couldn't do anything. So, I spent most of my time reading books in the Academy library."

I was talking about my middle school days, even though Rubia hadn't asked.

I just wanted to.

In the end, my middle school days, which Rubia was curious about, were terribly boring and uninteresting. Maybe I wanted to tell her that it was just that. If I removed all the boring parts, there was only one thing left in my past.

"I just wanted to read books, but someone kept interfering."

"..."

That was probably

The story Rubia most wanted to hear.

The gentle flames warmed our bodies. Staring at the flickering flames, I felt like I was being sucked into the fireplace. I forgot what I was going to say next and stared at the flames with Rubia.

Was it really?

Did I forget what to say?

Or did I not want to remember?

Rubia's words were not sincere, but even so, why did it suddenly become so hard to bring up? Once I started talking, it would take too much time. It would be too much of a burden for Rubia, who had to leave by 5:00.

I opened my mouth to say something more but closed it.

Rubia didn't ask me anything more.

She couldn't.

Turning my head, I saw Rubia, like a princess in a fairy tale, fast asleep with her eyes closed. Her weak breaths were intermittent, and her chest rose and fell slightly.

I rested my elbow on the sofa armrest and cradled my chin, watching Rubia sleep.

I had to stay awake in case she accidentally skipped class.

Seeing Rubia in a deep sleep was already half the goal. I was satisfied. What Rubia needed most right now was a good rest.

"..."

I shook off the words that kept echoing in my head.

There were plenty of opportunities for correction. I hadn't made a definitive judgment. I had only said it seemed that way.

Honestly, I don't believe it.

It's just a temporary, impulsive emotion.

All the circumstances aligned poorly.

It was just a coincidence.

Nothing more, nothing less.

It had to be.

"..."

But if it was sincere.

No, sincere or not.

There shouldn't be any possibility at all.

If Rubia really sees me that way.

Today, I lost a friend.

The most precious one.

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