Chapter 64

〈Chapter 64〉 The Same Path, Different Dreams (8)

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#15

A Word.

The true meaning of words, ironically, cannot be found in the words themselves.

It lies in the person's actions, gestures, breathing, pupils, the background surrounding them, the flow of conversation, and the reflection of myself in their eyes like a pane of glass. To understand the hidden meaning in someone's words, intuition is necessary. This intuition is made up of very small and numerous elements. It was artificial. So if it doesn't feel intuitive, one can carefully and calmly examine the minor details one by one.

Is that even possible?

I couldn't remain calm at all.

This, after all——

...

Three years ago, Rubia rejected my confession.

In other words, she turned me down.

At that time, we had spent six years together. I thought that was enough. But apparently, it wasn't. So I confessed.

Even though we were practically family, what more did I desire?

No, it was because I didn't want Rubia to be taken away by someone else. It was a childish thought, fitting for a newly enrolled middle school student.

In other words, possessiveness. Or perhaps, a sense of ownership. I was far behind others, so endless feelings of inferiority kept flooding in.

But now, I had overcome all of that.

I had no reason to feel inferior.

Of course.

Rubia in front of me is still remarkable.

Despite being in the Epic Class, where only the continent's greatest talents gather, my position here is at the bottom. I am number 15. There are 14 classmates above me who are considered more valuable.

Yes.

There were 14 of them.

Below me, there were thousands of Frontier students.

Furthermore, there were students who didn't even enter Frontier and instead went to ordinary high schools. They were all below me.

Having fundamentally and thoroughly changed, I finally managed to join the ranks of geniuses that I had longed for.

Currently, I have no trace of inferiority. Endless ambition to achieve what I couldn't in my lifetime, and a competitive spirit to tear down any obstacles in my path. My body and mind operate based on these foundations.

There is no room for useless emotions like inferiority in such a tightly packed space.

Perhaps.

Love was the same.

“...What do you want to ask?”

With my words,

A torrent of indescribable emotions swirled. A tidal wave rose in Rubia's eyes. All the emotions that had been consuming the dazed Rubia were swept away like waves, and finally, reason flooded back like a receding tide.

“A, ah. Uh. That is...”

It sounded like a formless scream echoing. She must have just realized what she had said.

However, I was still at the stage of doubt. There was a chance to dismiss it as mere delirious ramblings from her exhausted body.

Or, I could push forward. Why not? We were childhood friends who had spent nine years together. If she really wanted to be close friends again, it was impossible with just a normal friendship.

So, I decided to be a bit more ambitious. Not just friends, but a closer relationship. As childhood friends who had been connected since we were young.

Thinking about it, it wasn't entirely wrong.

“I, I just... No, why am I saying such things...? Well, there is. Edgio... That is...”

Rubia's face turned as red as a ripe peach. Her heartbeat is so loud, I can hear it all. I'm not exaggerating.

I know what you're trying to say.

With that expression, she opened her mouth.

“Don't worry. You are the only friend I cherish the most here.”

“...”

It's the truth, without a lie.

I could say it confidently.

Among all the relationships in my life, including the entire Frontier and beyond, Rubia is the one who stands out.

Because I valued her so much, I worried about her exhausted mind and body, despite the uncertain future, and ultimately decided to forgive her.

Even if it was a false forgiveness, sometimes you have to push through, knowing the outcome. I might regret it someday, but I will always strive to ensure that no regrettable results come from it. I won't give up and will face it head-on. I will make sure she doesn't suffer because of me. Definitely. Somehow.

“Friend... Yes. That's right. We are friends... right?”

Rubia seemed to be forcing a smile. I couldn't grasp the true meaning of her unsatisfied smile, but I didn't really want to think about it.

Suddenly, a shadow of sadness appeared on Rubia's face.

“...I'm sorry, Edgio.”

Why is she apologizing?

She shouldn't.

I calmly asked.

“...Huh? Why? And don't apologize. It's better to hear a thank you.”

“Uh, it's not that.”

Rubia slowly shook her head.

“...In middle school, I left you alone. I thought you were uncomfortable with me, so I didn't approach you... and we ended up drifting apart, all because of me. I'm sorry.”

“It's not your fault, Rubia.”

There's nothing for Rubia to apologize for.

If I hadn't confessed, if I hadn't rejected her kindness, if I hadn't thrown myself into reading to fill the emptiness after my first heartbreak——our friendship could have continued.

Of course...it was impossible from the start.

I had spent a long time carefully erasing my feelings for Rubia, and only now have I managed to completely remove them.

Before that, no matter what I did, I couldn't have rebuilt the same relationship with Rubia.

“Besides, we're not distant. We're still friends, right?”

“...”

She shrugged, seeking agreement.

But Rubia shook her head.

“...Actually, I'm a bit scared.”

“Of what?”

“Edgio, while you were... gone, it was really, really hard. I went to all the places we used to go together. The places we went on family trips. My hometown. But I couldn't find you anywhere... It was really hard. I was scared. It felt like you had left me forever.”

“I'm here, Rubia.”

“Yeah. I know. Thank you for coming back, Edgio. ...But, if you leave again. I don't think I can bear it. I want you to stay by my side, always. I don't want you to go anywhere.”

“I won't go anywhere. I'll be here.”

“Yeah, I know. That's why I'm grateful and sorry.”

Just when I thought she had calmed down,

Tears were welling up under her eyelids.

She was a crybaby, as always.

When I gently wiped them away with a handkerchief, this time she leaned into me more actively.

When I pulled the handkerchief away, her green eyes, which seemed a bit disappointed, were revealed. She even let out a small sigh. There was a strange warmth in her breath, and her eyes seemed to be yearning for something more.

A bitter taste filled my mouth, even though I hadn't eaten or swallowed anything. Maybe it was because I wanted to fulfill someone's request, but I couldn't. In the end, it just left me feeling uncomfortable and bitter.

“Edgio.”

“Yeah. What is it?”

“I have one more fear.”

“...What is it?”

Rubia's true feelings were often reflected in her expressions. She might think she's hiding them, but not from me. Right now, she looked like a child who had a nightmare, trembling with a small fear. She really seemed to be afraid of something.

“I don't know what will happen if things continue like this.”

“...What do you mean?”

I had already wiped away her tears.

As I carefully folded the handkerchief to put it away, Rubia gently held my hand that had been caressing her face.

Like a child throwing a tantrum, not wanting to let go.

Suddenly, I noticed the unstable shape of her fingernails, which were extremely short and round, as if she had used a file.

“I've been acting strange lately.”

“I know.”

It was clear even now.

That's why I brought Rubia here.

“Rest if you're in pain. Don't push yourself.”

“That's not it.”

“...Then what?”

What is she afraid of?

“I've been thinking about you all along, but now... now, I can only think of you, Edgio. All day long.”

“...”

“I get anxious when I can't see you. I want to talk to you more. I know I don't deserve it, but I wanted your forgiveness for the things I didn't do in middle school. The times, the moments. I want to make up for them, starting now.”

“...You can. What's the problem?”

Rubia's condition seemed more serious than I expected. Moreover, the premonition I thought would be superficial turned out to be correct. The reason Rubia was so distressed was solely because of me.

It was a feeling that was hard to describe.

“I didn't know you well in middle school. But... that friend didn't.”

“...Who?”

Rubia didn't answer.

I didn't really expect her to.

Because we both knew who it was. So, there was no need for a proper question and answer. Even without Rubia saying it, I spoke.

“Miu, right?”

“Yeah.”

My ex-girlfriend, whom I had broken up with without realizing it.

Rubia somehow found out from Miu that we had dated. She told me this on a night walk. We only confirmed the fact; we didn't discuss it further.

“I felt like that friend knew a lot about you, the parts I didn't know. Even when you disappeared, and the situation you were in at that time... I didn't know, but that friend did.”

That must have been the case. She gave me a letter. I don't know what was written inside until I ask Miu.

“It's natural. She was your partner. I only thought of her as a close junior, but she was someone important to you, Edgio. So, it's natural that she knew a lot about you, the parts I didn't.”

Rubia's face didn't look natural when she said it was natural.

“...I'm here.”

A moment of silence.

“I felt a bit envious of that friend.”

“...Envious of what?”

“Just, everything.”

It was a vague answer. I wasn't satisfied.

Still, I listened silently.

After a while, she asked me cautiously, as if it was uncomfortable to ask.

“Are you... still with that friend?”

“...No. I'm not.”

I didn't expect to think about Miu at this point.

Seeing my bitter smile, Rubia closed her mouth and looked down.

After a while,

“...That's why.”

“...What do you mean?”

“It's over, right? I was afraid of that ending. One of the reasons I rejected you was probably that fear... I didn't want to lose you, who was like family. And I still... didn't know anything.”

“...”

“It was all in vain. I drifted away from you, and I couldn't be there for you when you needed me the most. What's the point? While you were gone, I... was always lonely. I should have been happy just to have you by my side in any form. But I was selfish, and I ended up ruining everything.”

I couldn't find a proper answer. What did Rubia need right now, blaming herself for something she didn't need to?

Maybe just to hold her hand, to be a pillar of support.

“Edgio.”

My name, called for the umpteenth time today.

“Yeah.”

“Did you... love that friend?”

“...”

Why is she asking this?

I didn't really want to answer.

Because it brings back memories.

The many times it took for me to fully love Miu. Those memories are now tinged with ash, but every time I recall them, I realize how much I cherished the pink-haired girl in front of me.

“Yes, I did.”

I don't know how I feel about it now.

I said it with unwavering eyes. Rubia's body twitched slightly as she met my gaze, and she bit her lower lip.

“...I see.”

What was she pondering?

After a while, Rubia finally spoke.

“Then, Edgio.”

How many times has she asked this now——

“Do you still... love me?”

Her words were

Quite surprising.

...Rubia is kind. In other words, pure.

But sometimes, she is overly weak.

Usually in a negative sense.

If someone truly understood how to handle the pure Rubia, they could easily manipulate her. Unrefined purity is the easiest to corrupt.

For you, for me.

That question was entirely unhelpful.

She might have known what answer I would give, yet she still asked.

Why? To confirm something? To give up or to hope? Rubia's question was so confusing that I couldn't even understand my own thoughts.

To sort through all these thoughts,

One word was enough.

“Sorry.”

“...”

What Rubia probably hoped for,

I couldn't fulfill, so I was sorry.

...It was silent and still.

Time stopped.

After staring at me for a while, Rubia suddenly twitched her hand. The frozen time started moving again. I carefully pulled my hand away from hers.

I didn't put the handkerchief away.

It was still useful.

Suddenly, Rubia slowly clamped her mouth shut. She didn't want me to see her crying face, her expression, the sobs escaping from the corners of her mouth.

It was a good move.

I didn't want to see Rubia's crying face either. I didn't really want to understand why she suddenly burst into tears in front of me.

...Maybe.

The first and last time such sincerity.

When her body and mind were pushed to the brink, and she poured out everything she couldn't normally say——Rubia finally realized everything and spoke in a choked, strained voice.

“Then, if... if I, right now, say that I... might love you, Edgio...”

“...”

“We're friends, right? We shouldn't, right? Isn't that right, Edgio...? Am I right...?”

“...”

My mind went cold.

...The true meaning of words.

Ironically,

Cannot be found in the words themselves.

When seeking agreement in denial.

If she looks at me with such desperate and sorrowful eyes——what answer should I give?

...It was a long time.

We wandered aimlessly and eventually met again.

Just as Rubia didn't know about my past, I don't know what happened to her.

Until we share our stories, we won't know anything. Even then, there will be much we won't know, because we weren't there for each other.

We will learn from now on.

But we probably won't know everything about each other. That would be crossing a clear line.

“...Yeah, you're right, Rubia.”

Swoosh.

I moved back a little from my seated position.

I didn't want to see Rubia crying, so I closed my eyes, and a faint whisper echoed in my ears.

—Sorry. Sorry, Edgio... But I don't want to be distant from Edgio... I want Edgio to stay my precious friend... Is that just my selfishness? Am I a bad person? Right?...

—No, I was the bad one. I understand. As you said, we will remain close friends.

“We will remain close friends.”

—...Really? Really stay friends with me? Can we talk like we used to?

“I will stay friends with you. We can talk like we used to. I promise. Definitely.”

Rubia shook her head slightly.

As if to say it wasn't.

Rubia's head gradually lowered. Drip, drip. Dark circles appeared on the red carpet. Her sobs grew louder and then quieter, repeating the cycle. I couldn't offer any comfort.

I handed her the handkerchief.

When she didn't take it, I placed it in her hand.

Rubia's fingertips trembled.

It seemed like she wanted to hold onto something.

I clenched and unclenched my hand, then left it as it was.

Looking back, the teacup on the table no longer emitted steam.

I had missed the right time to drink it.

“...”

...Is she regretting it?

But,

“Those words... are too late, Rubia.”

Is Rubia listening to me now?

She probably is.

Because she heard, she cried even harder.

“Edgio, Edgio, I... I...”

“Let's not do this. Us.”

I suddenly remembered a ridiculous request from a junior, asking to undo something that had already happened. In the end, that request became reality.

“I'll pretend I didn't hear that.”

Rubia wasn't in a normal state. She probably couldn't make a proper judgment. It might have been an impulsive emotion mixed with unusual possessiveness and attachment. I understand all of it. Just this once, I could overlook her mistake. It was the right thing to do. After a good rest, she could calmly reflect on her words and actions.

...So, I won't show it.

My expression, which she doesn't know. My tightly clenched fist, with my nails digging into my skin. The weight of the many things I had to let go to give up on her. My eyes, filled with the things I couldn't leave behind.

...You shouldn't do this now, Rubia.

To fulfill your wish, I had to...

I swallowed a hot sigh. I tried to remain calm, but I couldn't.

The rocking chair creaked. On it, Rubia was sobbing uncontrollably. It was hard to guess what she was feeling.

I couldn't tell if it was truly coming from Rubia's heart. Not right now.

...I didn't bring Rubia here for this.

I felt dizzy, as if I was about to faint.

To clear my overheated head, I got up from my seat. I picked up the cold teacup, drank the liquid in one gulp, placed it back on the table, and walked towards the cabin door.

My steps might have been heavy. The cabin interior seemed to thud with each step. Rubia was crying behind me, and I turned my back to her, letting out a small sigh.

“...Calm down. We'll talk again later.”

Creak... Thud.

I opened the door and stepped outside.

I stood there for a while.

The blue sky was disgustingly clear.

...Thud, thud.

I walked to a bench by the pond and sat down weakly.

“...”

I closed my eyes.

A deep, dark curtain covered my vision.

The sound of flowing