Chapter 85

85

Kaisan seemed to know well that I detest receiving help from others.

I didn’t ask him to take me there; I only asked him to watch over me.

The maid seemed to understand the meaning of my words and bowed, replying,

"See you later, Sherina."

"Sure."

When I turned around, the maid with a basket in her arms followed me.

There’s no need for her to follow me.

"Just go."

"What? No, I will be scolded by the young master."

"Even if you do, it’s just a scolding."

If it’s an order, even someone who dislikes it has to follow.

Still, if she works in such a place, she must have some affection or pride for the family.

Wouldn’t her self-esteem be hurt by chasing after a bastard?

Besides, I knew this maid. She was the one who laughed from the side when I fell before.

"What?"

The maid responded as if she didn’t understand, and the smile she had drawn neatly even faltered.

"I’m following the young lady."

As if to say I have nothing to hide, I shrugged my shoulders, and the maid stopped in her tracks.

"Huh, you didn’t expect this, did you? But I’m magnanimous, so I don’t care about such things."

"If you cared, you would have reported me when I pretended to cry. I didn’t despair over my situation."

"That, that’s not true. What are you saying... Miss...!"

"It’s fine, really."

"No, no. Miss, we... we..."

The maid suddenly knelt down.

Her face, which was clearly flustered, even showed a look of shock.

I was the one who was flustered.

‘What are you doing in the middle of the corridor?’

My goal is to stay out of the spotlight.

It’s only recently that the whispers behind my back have decreased.

The maid, who seemed to think something of my expression, shook her head and approached me on her knees.

"We absolutely do not have any impure thoughts. We now see you as the only young lady of the Clown family."

"I said it’s fine."

Why are you lying with such a pained expression? I know there are few people in this house who like me.

‘At least Bella, Bipran, and Kaisan...’

Deschar Clown is also quite friendly, and Sharent Clown... I still don’t really know.

Calling him ‘uncle’ has become quite natural, but that’s as far as it goes.

People’s feelings don’t change just because time passes.

How can you like someone you dislike? You can dislike someone you like, but not the other way around.

"I’m really sorry for what happened in the past. But now, I absolutely do not have any impure thoughts."

"Okay, I get it."

Let’s just leave it at that.

It’s embarrassing, so get up quickly. I’m worried I might get in trouble for no reason.

I patted her shoulder, but the maid bowed her head.

"Miss, even if you don’t believe me, we all really like you now."

I looked at her for a moment and awkwardly nodded.

So, just let it be.

When I nodded again, the maid cautiously got up.

‘You said it’s fine, but you don’t believe me.’

I don’t intend to chase her away. I don’t have the authority to give orders here, and even if I did, Sharent Clown wouldn’t be happy.

I didn’t know, but it takes a lot of trouble to get in here.

Not only interviews and training, but background checks and more take at least a year. Of course, she wouldn’t want to be chased away.

There’s no other reason.

Why would they like me, realistically? Am I cute, or do I act cute? I don’t have any amazing abilities that earn everyone’s praise.

I shook off these pointless thoughts.

‘...But then, did Chaser also take a year to get in?’

Is it amazing that Meline has been helping the duke for a year, or is it amazing that the duke’s thoroughness in testing people is so strict?

I waved to the soldier guarding the entrance to Deschar Clown’s office.

Over the past two years, I’ve visited the training ground often to give marks to the sword users, so I’ve become quite friendly with the knights.

I passed the marks to the young sprouts and visited the training ground the most to avoid the Clowns.

Still, these kids seem to find me quite cute.

They don’t seem to hate me. I thought sword users were all stupid, but that’s not the case.

Sure enough, the knight’s face lit up when he saw me.

The knights, who have been properly trained by the Simula Knight Captain Shuto, now kneel on both knees when they see me. It’s embarrassing.

"Miss, what brings you here?"

"I came to see Grandfather."

"I’ll inform him."

"Okay."

The knight knocked and went in, then quickly came back out. The knight, who had a troubled look on his face, smiled.

I thought I might be turned away because I had deliberately avoided Deschar Clown a few times, but the door opened quickly and easily.

"Come in."

"...Thank you."

When I slipped inside, I saw a servant quickly tidying up the messy office.

Deschar Clown was sitting on the sofa.

"Come in. What’s the matter with you, who rarely shows your face?"

His eyes widened.

Ah, if he’s busy, it’s fine.

‘I hope he didn’t drop everything to tidy up because of me.’

His expression didn’t look good. I took a step inside and quickly pulled it back.

"Ah, it’s fine. If you’re busy, I’ll come another time."

It wasn’t urgent, and I didn’t want to be a nuisance.

His expression was so fierce. I understood why the knight had a troubled look. I need to be clear about this.

‘You can eat the snacks alone.’

It’s not like the taste will change.

Or I could eat them with Kaisan.

"What? Why are you leaving after coming here?"

"You’re busy."

"Bu, busy?"

Deschar Clown’s voice faltered as if he had made a slip of the tongue, then he cleared his throat loudly.

"You little thing, you’re so heartless. Come here and have some snacks. It’s the chocolate you said you wanted before."

Deschar Clown placed a glass bottle filled with round chocolate balls on the table.

"And this is a magic stone. Since I rarely see you, they just keep piling up."

He took out a large jewelry box from somewhere else and handed it to me.

It wasn’t just one.

Deschar Clown took one out, but Cantor, the head butler, placed a few boxes as big as my body nearby.

"The mine is producing so much that we had to create a new warehouse."

When he opened the lid, a pile of them spilled onto the table, overflowing onto the floor.

"Last time, I brought you a new toy, but you ran off to play. You’re too old for that now."

A jingling object dangled from Deschar Clown’s hand.

But even if he had given it to me when I was younger, I wouldn’t have played with it after the age of three.

I looked at the jingling object with a dubious expression, and Deschar Clown showed me a few dolls and toys from a fancy box.

I don’t understand why taking toys out of a box filled with jewels makes me speechless.

I don’t understand why the shoulders of this strong man, who seems to lack nothing, look so small.

I deliberately avoided him, ran away even when I came, and pushed away the idea of meeting him.

Yet, I don’t know what to say to the person who has collected all these things over such a long time.

I couldn’t take a step into the office.

If I crossed this threshold, I would have to admit it. I would have to admit it, even if just a little.

That I have grown so attached to them that I don’t even want to receive a minor grudge from them.

That I want to step into the family circle they talk about, a fact that is terribly frightening.

‘What is a family?’

It’s unnecessary. It only holds you back.

A teacher who had been with me for a long time tried to kill me, and a colleague I trusted for the longest time killed me.

There’s no need to covet, no reason to covet. It will crumble in an instant anyway.

‘Do you want to do it again, Hella?’

As long as I lie to them, there will be no happiness in letting Sherina die.

What is before me is greed and desire, and at the same time, a mirage in the desert.

If I reach out, it will disappear right in front of me. I know this better than anyone.

‘You know, don’t you?’

Happiness and misfortune do not come together.

I died and gained the luck to take revenge. This is the misfortune that comes with it.

The Clown family.

Then I have to endure it.

"You have quite a talent. Will you come with me? I will be your teacher, and you will be my disciple."

In my youth, I took the outstretched hand.

"We are not a family! How dare you, a piece of trash...!"

A thoughtless mistake left a deep scar.

"A useless, talentless thing should die. What haven’t I given you? I gave you clothes, food, and a place to sleep. Yet, you can’t even do simple copying and magic control. Do you want to be thrown away and roll in the dirt again?"

I became a disciple, my life and soul in his hands.

I still don’t know if such a relationship is called a master-disciple relationship, but my teacher has always been the only one. Until now, and in the future.

I will continue to think of this as a master-disciple relationship.

I will never know how to reciprocate affectionate kindness.

I will never know how to express sincere gratitude to someone I appreciate or how to trust someone.

I will continue to think that family is useless and holds you back.

I will.

It has never deviated from this path in my entire life.

I have never found it pitiful or strange, so why does it feel so bleak now?

Why does the time to live feel so distant?

"Diannangi likes it."

I walked over and took the rattle in my hand.