Chapter 19

Parsed with an automated reader. The content accuracy is not guranteed.

“Gao Yu, tell me, why do you have to be like this?”

“…I’ve always been this kind of person.”

My insomnia paid me a visit that night and once again I lived through a sleepless night. While I was cleaning up, I locked the copy of Happy Together inside my drawer. I sneered at the regret I felt when I was watching the movie. It was easy to feel regret and be lenient when the matter didn’t concern oneself, but when trouble did befall oneself, it was hard to not be stubborn and inflexible. I was just as willful and selfish as Li Weisen. The things I did to him was nothing more than a way of making up to myself. I ended my experiences over the past few years by drawing a perfect period, finally letting myself say goodbye without regrets.

In the afternoon sunlight, I smiled as I hugged him. I promised myself that I would never forget him, and then gave up on him. I was no longer the boy who had fallen in love with him, the boy who didn’t wish for anything. While making love to him, the only thought running through my mind was that there was no future for us, today was the end. I was only capable of going through everything methodically because of that thought. The “like” he talked about was only meaningful in the “past.” My life wouldn’t change because of his confession. In the past…my love wasn’t one-sided anymore. He had loved me; we had once been lovers, if only for an afternoon. That was all we had between the two of us. That afternoon was the pinnacle of all the happiness I would ever feel in my life. The consideration I had shown him was not out of romance, but out of such a shameful reason.

Two days later, I received a phone call from him. He was inviting me to go to Sichuan for ten days, under the pretense of being on a business trip.

I thought for a moment and told him I was busy with work. He continued to harass me about it, but I didn’t soften my stance. I heard him slam a fist down on the table on his end.

He then said angrily, “If you don’t come, then I’m going take somebody else!”

Truthfully, I had plenty of time to go on a trip with him, but there was one thing I knew: if I went with him this time, then I would be tacitly agreeing to the suggestion he’d made the other night. I didn’t know what expression I was making, but I used all my power to control my voice and did my best to sound gentle and calm as I said, “Okay, I wish you guys a ha—”

Before I could finish the word “happy,” the line died with a busy signal—he had hung up on me.

I placed the innocent phone back on its stand and started cleaning my house again. I started with the kitchen and made my way through the living room, my bedroom, and then the bathroom. I threw away all the trash I had collected and sorted through my bookshelves. I then cleaned my windows and made sure there wasn’t a speck of dust on the glass panes. I completed all the chores I normally put off. After mopping the floor for the fourth time that day, I couldn’t find anything else to do. Instead, I turned on the speakers to the loudest setting and listened to rock music for the entire afternoon. My neighbors banged on the walls repeatedly in protest, but I ignored them.

Ten days, it seemed short, yet it felt like such a long time. I restrained myself from thinking about what they were doing, but I frequently lost track of my thoughts while out drinking at the bar with my friends. I never hated the dark blue lighting of the bar as much as I did then. I dragged my friends from one place to another, trying to find a good place to drink. In the end, the street side restaurants were where I felt the happiest.

I lived that way for a week, the dark circles under my eyes becoming more prominent as the days went by. When Xiao Chuan saw me, he jumped up in fright and asked, “Are you possessed?”

I said it was nothing. I’d simply played too many rounds of cards with people this week, but I’d won a lot of money.

Xiao Chuan immediately yelled at me, “Are you crazy! Of all things, you had to become addicted to gambling?”

I instantly regretted the excuse I’d chosen to go with. To make up for that lie, I had to promise Xiao Chuan at least a hundred times that I would face my crimes and repent sincerely; turn over a new leaf and not repeat my mistakes; and that heaven and earth would bear witness to my vow. Why did I always end up making trouble for myself? Was it an innate ability I was born with?

Eight days after Li Weisen left, I finally received his phone call.

“Gao Yu, come out and eat. I’m back.”

In a rather high-class restaurant, he was sitting at a table near the windows and waiting for me. By the looks of it, he had already ordered the couple’s set off the menu. He didn’t look like he was there for a negotiation, nor for a fight; rather, he looked very happy.

With a normal expression on my face, I sat down opposite of him. Rather despicably, I found it difficult to swallow that he was happy. Did he have a good time? Did he think through everything? Did he finalize things with his girlfriend? Was the wedding banquet just around the corner?

I wasn’t in the mood to eat anything. I was wallowing in my negative emotions alone. Vaguely, I heard him say something, but I didn’t pay any attention.

“Gao Yu. Gao Yu! What are you thinking about now? Did you hear what I just said?”

“You said that…” I looked up at his smiling face blankly, my hand paused in midair.

He stood up and poured me a glass of wine. Leaning in, he said, “After I unloaded all the stock, I came here directly. I’ve missed you so much.

The bottle of wine was a 1982 vintage and the dark, red liquid gleamed as it splashed rapidly into the glass. This guy was never one to give expensive things the respect they deserved. What was he planning today? With wide eyes, I stared at him silently. I was waiting for him to mention the real reason why he had called me out, but he sat back down in his seat without doing anything else.

“I didn’t play around much. It just didn’t feel right, I kept on thinking…”

He trailed off, and then I felt something touch my leg—was it his foot? Slowly, it made its way up my leg and aimed to go even higher.

I was shocked. I widened my eyes even more and finally said, “What are you doing? Stop it!”

“Haha, my hands are on top of the table [1]. I haven’t done anything.”

I groaned quietly, but quickly stifled the sound. He was going overboard. He was taking advantage of his long legs to attack me right where I was most vulnerable. I didn’t know where he had learned to be this shameless. We were in public for god’s sake! Although the tablecloth was long enough to hide his movements, it was reckless and dangerous. Oddly enough, I felt excited both physically and mentally… It seemed like I had plenty of problems of my own.

“What’s wrong? You don’t feel good? Then let’s leave.” Even though he knew I was reacting down below, he was putting on a considerate act, harassing me because I didn’t dare to stand up. I resisted against the waves of desire that were surging through my body and kicked him hard. He bent over with a grunt and started sweating on his forehead like me.

“You fucking…wasn’t that a bit ruthless?”

“Please…mind your manners.”

Two sorry figures, one disastrous dinner. Finally, we looked at each other and decided to take a step back.

It took great effort to calm myself down and stand up without a mishap. We weren’t in the mood to eat anything after that. When we left the doors of the restaurant, he swung an arm around me. Leaning down next to my ear, he said, “Come up with me.”

“Up where?” I was still angry over the whole situation, but I didn’t want to lose my temper in public.

“It’s just upstairs. I’d reserved a room. Let’s not waste it.”

“You—” had planned this, I almost shouted, but he immediately covered my mouth. Faced with the eyes of curious strangers, I was ashamed and didn’t want to show my face.

When he saw that I was flustered to the point of shaking, he finally let go. He made a face at me and continued to say in a small voice, “Let’s go. I already paid for it.”

Faced with such an onslaught of enticement, I felt a dizzy spell come over me, but I quickly diverted my eyes away from him. “…I’m not going.”

“Really now… If you don’t go, then I’m going to kiss you right here!”

His excessive threat made me widen my eyes again. “You…don’t you dare!”

“Why don’t you wait and see if I dare to or not?”

He was playing dirty. Surely, he couldn’t be drunk from just a little bit of wine?

“All right. I’ll go up with you.”

When he heard my reply, a wide smile broke across his face. Anyone looking at him would know he was pleased with himself. Taking the chance, I turned around and ran while he was still lost in joy. My sprinting skills that had grown rusty over the years came back to me in full force. When I was out of the front door, I hailed a nearby taxi and told the driver to immediately take me home.

I had never been so embarrassed in my life. Li Weisen was acting like a child hungrily seeking for candy. Did he think the problems between us could be solved by something like that? Was he that naïve?

Sitting in the taxi, I had an urge to both cry and laugh. My feelings were a complicated mess, balling up together in a muddled tangle. I knew I had hurt him, but I couldn’t go along with him. He and I didn’t belong in a romantic comedy. We couldn’t have a happy ending with just a dash of willfulness, a pinch of comedy, and a sprinkle of charm. If reality really worked that way, then it would be a wonderful fairy tale. No wonder why all those young girls were engrossed in romantic dramas and convinced that they were true. But we…we would never belong to that rose-colored world.

I returned home to silence; this was the type of life I would continue living. Everyone lived this way. We all lived disconnectedly, irrelevant to each other, only saying hello when we bumped across each other on the street.

When I entered the door, the phone was already ringing. It continued to ring for half an hour. He was still playing the determined lover, which made it a happy moment that would be worth remembering in the future. I stared at the phone, my body trembling with each ring, but I told myself repeatedly that I should wait a little longer.

I waited until the chaos in my heart had calmed down. I schooled my expression into one of calm and picked up the phone. Surprisingly, Li Weisen didn’t sound furious. His voice was unenthusiastic, cold, and dejected; I couldn’t hear any warmth or excitement.

When I heard the question he’d asked, I was silent for a long time. When my fingertips had turned cold, I finally opened my mouth and responded slowly. My calm voice made it sound like I was discussing the weather or the news with a stranger.

On the other end of the line, he was also silent. I didn’t know how long it took, minutes, hours even, but he finally set down the phone quietly. And that…was the end of us.

Translation Notes:

[1] This is a pun that doesn’t translate well. When Gao Yu said “stop it,” he actually said 住手 (zhu shou), which literally translates to “stay your hand.” Which is why Li Weisen responded with “my hands are on top of the table.” However, nobody says “stay your hand” in a conversation these days. It would just sound odd.

Like this:Like Loading...