Chapter 18

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Warning: NSFW

“…That’s your business.”

“You mean it’s not yours?”

“Then how about this? Treat her wholeheartedly. The two of us…we’ll just be friends.”

“That…I can’t do it. I want to be how we are right now!”

That night was like a blurry dream; he was already gone when I woke up the next day. The only thing left behind was a trace of a familiar scent on my pillow. After that, we didn’t contact each other for another month. I didn’t know what he was trying to do. He showed up out of nowhere after we pretended to be strangers for so long, yet he didn’t do anything other than sleep, and then he vanished without a word. He was like a novel with a rushed ending, all the plotlines left unfinished. I didn’t dare think too much into it. I pretended that he’d only been looking for a place to rest after being exhausted from his travels. It was an excuse that didn’t fit the logic of reality, but…I should just live my carefree life and avoid making trouble for myself in these idle days.

The temperature got higher as summer went along. I rarely left the house during the day. When night came around, I would usually hang out with Xiao Chuan or a few of my younger colleagues. We would go to karaoke and eat ice cream, wasting the hours away. Occasionally, I would take a few clients out to dinner. When it was time to pay the tab, I would scramble to be the first one to pay. One of my clients was only a few years older than me. We got to know each other after a while and developed a friendship. He especially liked to tease me, “do you get reimbursed for these bills?”

I was rather cheeky with him, and joked, “as long as you spend enough money on the advertisements, I’ll treat you to however many meals you want. With my own money at that.”

“I know what you’re trying to get at. Don’t worry, when the time for contract renewal comes around, I’ll sign for another year!”

“You’re despicable, always managing to take advantage of me. But I’ll assume we got a deal?”

“Haha, it’s a deal.”

With the new bonus in my bank account, I installed an air conditioner in my house. It was wonderful staying home all day, but the air quality was terrible. I was going through a pack of cigarettes every day, a solid 300 yuan every month. As a result, my room was always filled with smoke. More than once, Xiao Chuan told me to smoke less; he was afraid I would develop lung cancer. I didn’t agree, but I still followed his suggestion and went for a checkup at the hospital. I turned out to be completely healthy, there wasn’t a single spot on my lungs. After getting the results back, he finally stopped nagging me about it so much and happily took me to lunch.

The next time I saw Li Weisen was at the beginning of July. He called before coming over, saying that he had something to give me. I was shocked—since the first day I knew him, I’d never imagined he would give me anything.

I was even more shocked when I saw his “present.” It was a DVD of a film: Happy Together [1]. I was familiar with the film as I’d seen a terrible bootleg version before. It’d been painful to watch the screen; the picture was so blurry that I couldn’t even make out the faces of the actors. I only withstood a few minutes before taking it out of the player. I didn’t know why he gave me a copy of this film as a present. Was it in mockery? In acceptance? Or had he bought it mistakenly?

I still accepted it from him and put it on my desk. I didn’t say anything, but he was looking at me the whole time from where he sat on my bed.

“You don’t like it?”

“…It’s okay.”

“I don’t know if it’s a genuine copy or not, but it looks pretty good.”

“…You’ve watched it?”

“Haha, there were three versions in the store. I made the owner play all of them and this one was the best. A lot of people were staring at me, so I was too embarrassed to make him play it till the end. I want to watch the rest with you.”

“You…why do you want to watch it with me? You don’t have a DVD player at home?”

“I want to watch it here.”

While speaking, he stood up and turned on the home theater system I had in my room and then quickly ran back to my side.

The movie opened with a sex scene. Unlike the last time I tried, I was able to see it clearly this time. Feeling a bit awkward, I shifted to the side. I heard a smothered laugh come from him as he commented on the actors, “their bodies aren’t bad, but not as good as ours.”

I pretended that I didn’t hear anything. I kept my eyes looking forward at the screen. As the movie went on, I resisted the urge to say anything, letting him laugh by himself. Whenever He Baorong and Li Yaohui entwined together onscreen, he would start laughing so hard that he had trouble speaking.

“The two of them—haha—I’m amazed! That He guy—he’s something! Haha—this is interesting.”

Perhaps only I saw the helplessness in Li Yaohui’s eyes as he tried to claw his way out, only to sink deeper and deeper. His silence did nothing to hide the pain in his eyes. He was satisfied was so little, even the tiniest gesture of care could make him happy. I was unable to laugh at his tragic situation.

When the movie progressed to the scene where they danced a slow tango in the afternoon sunlight, my mood suddenly dipped to an all-time low. I lowered my head and said, “turn it off. I don’t want to watch it anymore.”

“What’s wrong with you now? We were having a good time.”

He reached over and swung an arm around my shoulders, tipping up my chin with his other hand. “Stop sulking. I have something to say to you.”

He moved forward and kissed me on my cheek, just the lightest of touches. His mouth then traveled down and landed on my lips.

It was the mere touching of our lips together, with nothing else added. I sat there stunned for a few minutes, not knowing where I was in the space-time continuum.

“I think…I do like you as well. Otherwise…I wouldn’t be able to kiss you like this.”

What did he just say? I couldn’t react to the sudden confession and simply stared at his smiling face. He seemed somewhat embarrassed, but he went on to explain, “I’m being serious here. Did you hear me? Ha, that was too mushy. I’m not going to say it again.”

“Then…” My brain was a complete mess. I repeated, “then…”

“‘Then’ what? Aren’t you going to do something? Why don’t you give me a kiss first?”

I was still in shock, but he’d already leaned in with his whole person, and I could feel his hot breath on my face.

“Gao Yu, I really missed you. I couldn’t stop thinking about you when I was on my business trips. Did you ever think about me?”

“I…you…”

“Why did you suddenly turn dumb? Take off your clothes!” Excited, he started helping me out of my clothes. The desire I had buried deep down inside suddenly woke up with a vengeance. With the remnants of whatever logic I had remaining inside me, I understood something: I finally had a perfect ending to my past. I could finally stop being submissive and being pushed around.

I took the initiative and started moving my hands across his body. Naturally, I pushed him underneath me. With a red face, he said, “it was only fair,” and didn’t make any protests.

It was the first time I had entered him, but I didn’t feel much physical joy. I was watching his face to gauge how he was feeling. The source of my pleasure was seeing him try to restrain himself and happiness lighting up his face. Because of that, I used all the theoretical knowledge available to me. I spent a long time lubricating and expanding him. I made sure to massage his prostate and slowly pushed my way in. When he saw the sweat on my face, he couldn’t bear it anymore and told me to relax and do as I pleased. Panting, I shook my head and forced a smile. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if he became injured because of me.

He reached the shores of his climax faster than I did. Shaking, he took ahold of me and kissed me all over. In those few seconds, I felt as if I had gained the whole world. He was mine, even if only in this one moment. Physically, I felt exhausted. I was too nervous, so I couldn’t relax and come no matter how much time passed. It was painful maintaining a continuous erection. With no other way, I took care of myself with my own hands. He asked me what was going on and said that I was going overboard with my valiance. I forced a smile in my embarrassment. He would never know how long I’d waited for this day, nor how much I would treasure this day in the future. It wasn’t simply a matter of sex; it was proof that he had once truly loved me. I didn’t expect him to practice chastity after this, but I hoped he would remember today, remember that there once was a man who’d made him come while he was the receiving end. I was sure that he would never let a second man do this to him for the rest of his life. I would be the only one who’d “done” him. It was crude, but it was the truth. I think we were the same in that respect. If there wasn’t an emotional foundation, we would never be on the receiving end.

His pride must have taken a hit, as he didn’t speak for a long time after we were done. He didn’t get up to shower until it was turning dark outside. We were roughly the same size, so he wore one of my t-shirts as he slowly got out of the bathroom. Smiling, I asked if he was hungry.

He gave me a pointed stare and said, “yes, go make something!”

After eating and drinking our fill, we sat on my small bed and rewound the movie; neither of us had been paying attention when it had played to the end earlier. When we reached the closing credits, I felt happy yet regretful for Li Yaohui. He Baorong surely did love him. I wonder what would happen if they had started over?

We talked for a bit afterwards and with some hesitation, Li Weisen told me that his sister-in-law had given birth a few days earlier. The baby was a girl, meaning that as the last hope in his family, he had to marry someone.

Smiling, I told him to finish what he wanted to say.

He looked at me with conflicted eyes. “In my heart, you’re different from everybody else. Because of that…I can’t lie to you. I can’t let you go, but I can’t let her go either. In the beginning, I wasn’t serious about her, but she’s too good to me. I…my head is a mess. I don’t know what I should do. You’re more mature than me, can you give me an idea?”

Reality slammed down on me faster than the speed of light. He was asking me to tell him what to do, but what could I say? Should I tell him to break up with her and never marry anyone for his entire life?

After contemplating for a bit, I told him what I’d always thought. He loudly refused me, the willful and selfish face he had on made him adorable in my eyes despite all these years.

I forced a smile for the third time that day and told him I couldn’t accept it.

Bold and confident, he questioned, “don’t you have to get married in the future too?”

“No, I won’t. Did you forget I’m homosexual? I’m not going to marry anyone for my entire life. I’d already made my decision, so…you should listen to me.”

“I told you I can’t do it! Forget it, I don’t want to argue with you. I’m going home to think about it. I’ll come find you another day. Have a good rest.”

He quickly changed into his clothes and left my house. From the way he was acting, I could see that he was trying to suppress the urge to fight with me. I looked at the mess on my bed and didn’t know whether to cry or laugh.

Translation Notes:

[1] A LGBT film starring Leslie Cheung and Tony Leung. About a couple from Hong Kong who visits Buenos Aires hoping to reignite their relationship.

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