Chapter 22

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Warning: NSFW

“…Are you?”

“Am… Am I what?”

“…Haha, nothing. Don’t tread down the same path as me!”

“…I-I’ll be back tomorrow.”

After that night, I started hanging out with that bunch and often missed class. Every single person living in that room knew of my sexual orientation, but they didn’t treat me like a misfit. Perhaps it was because we were all misfits in everyone else’s eyes.

When December came around, I stopped going to class altogether and moved out of the dorms and into that cluttered room. I listened as they practiced their guitars and then we would play a few rounds of cards. Whenever we felt hungry, we would go out and eat at a random restaurant. When we returned, we would go back to wasting time playing games. When it became too late at night, we would each find a bed and pass out.

I went back to school less and less. The main reason I still went was to pick up the letters Xiao Chuan and my dad had sent me. Living isolated from technology, letters once again gained a prominent spot in my life. Xiao Chuan’s letters mostly consisted of lines such as “I miss you” and “How are you doing?” My dad however, mentioned an important event in his letters: my stepmother was pregnant. According to the results, she was already two months pregnant. It meant I was going to have a younger brother or sister. Of course, out of my own selfishness, I hoped it would be a younger brother.

Xiao Bi got along rather well with me; we even had sex together. We didn’t do anything too out of bounds. At most, we just rubbed against each other. He said he was neither gay nor bisexual. The only thing he held in high regard was sex itself. He had a bunch of wild theories to support his stance, but the main point he made was that he was both “male and female.” To him, humans were simply that type of organism, so it was pointless to argue about being bisexual, homosexual, or heterosexual. Whenever he was with me however, he preferred hugging and kissing over sex. His rationale for it was because he was “enjoying pure, untainted art.” It turned out he had been an art student in the past. Halfway through his schooling, he fell in love with the drums. After he graduated from his vocational high school, he was determined to leave his hometown and find others like him. He never went back to school again. He’d already been living in this city for a couple years. When I asked how he made his living, he curled his lip, and said, “No matter what, I have to keep living. You don’t make much money doing underground music around here. But even if I’m dirt poor, I want keep on playing.”

Truly, the houses around here were in poor condition. Of the young population in this neighborhood, nine out of ten sported weird fashion choices and had a guitar strapped to their backs. The ones who were a bit more famous performed in bars, but they spent all their money on their instruments, food was the last thing they considered around here.

I didn’t know whether Lin Dong’s situation was better or worse than theirs. He was born and raised in this city and his family had some money. However, they were opposed to his obsession with music, and he argued with them about it every day. He never ended up finishing college because of it and his girlfriend even went abroad with someone else. Even then, he didn’t give up on music. He had been living with his parents, but recently ran away from home. According to what I’d heard, it was already the fourth time this year. Nobody dared to ask him what he thought in his heart. Who had the courage to challenge his explosive temper and sharp tongue?

The kids I’d gotten to know first were younger than Xiao Bi and Lin Dong. They were Lin Dong’s underclassmen in high school and had always admired his character. When Lin Dong had initially run away from home at the beginning of the year, he found shelter with them, and they were all supportive of his decision.

Lin Dong never paid much attention to me, but it didn’t seem like he disliked me. When he’d chanced upon the pieces I’d written, he finally said, “This is dull. Not direct or powerful. They said something about using your lyrics…but what the hell is this? Why don’t you just go and waste time with that bastard!”

The “bastard” he was referring to was obviously Xiao Bi. Problems erupted between the two of them practically every day, and it often resulted in a shouting match or an actual beating. Xiao Bi rarely lifted his hand in a fight, but the words he spoke were sharp and cutting. Often, he would disappear for two to three days after a fight and come back with a few extra bills in his wallet. One time, I asked him what he had gone to do, and he replied with a leisurely “I went to see a close friend.” He then wrapped his arms around me and dragged me back down to bed.

There were marks on his body that could only come from sex, but that didn’t prevent him from teasing me inside the blankets. Annoyed, I threatened, “If you don’t stop, I’m going to fuck you right here and now!”

He chuckled quietly, and said, “It’s not like I won’t let you, but you aren’t interested in me. The one you actually want to fuck is Lin Dong, right?”

Blushing, I covered his mouth. “Keep your voice down. He’s right there!”

He reached up and removed my hand. I didn’t see any conspiracies against me in his eyes, but he immediately turned to Lin Dong’s bed, and said, “Hey! He has something to say to you! He wants—”

The only choice I had was to pull him roughly under the blankets and stifle him with my mouth. In between Xiao Bi’s heated breaths, I heard Lin Dong say in a cold voice, “Can you guys be quiet? You’re too fucking loud.”

I never did it with Xiao Bi until the end because I saw him as a friend. I didn’t have any plans to start anything with anybody in that room. As for Lin Dong… It wasn’t a crime to have fantasies, right? In any case, he and I had a terrible relationship. There was no chance that anything would happen between us.

The first person I slept with was one of Xiao Bi’s friends, who came from the same town as him. We met when I went to his place with Xiao Bi. He had a head of long hair as well and was quite good at playing the bass. His nimble fingers flitted across the four strings and made them dance a frenzied choreography. I didn’t know much about bass, so I said, “I don’t understand what you’re playing, but I like it anyways.”

He set down his bass, and asked with a cool face, “Do you know Kerouac?” [1]

I said that I knew a little, and he immediately gave me a long speech about Kerouac, henceforth marking me as a friend who understood him. He was a strange person. When he spoke, he often quoted sentences from On the Road. [2] I bet he knew the novel by heart and could recite it from beginning to end. He often drifted off in the middle of a sentence. He would then mumble to himself and spew out a few verses of spontaneous poetry. Xiao Bi had gone to buy beer. When he returned, he almost laughed at the speechless look on my face. I gave him a pointed stare and he finally joined me on the battleground. Not long after, the two of them started talking about sex. They were birds of a feather when it came to that topic. To them, there were only two important things in life: music and sex. Love was complete bullshit and only lust could be trusted.

Listening to their rant, I was overcome with boredom. When I was just about to leave, they pulled me over and opened a can of beer. After contemplating for a moment, I gave in and complied. It was easier than listening to them talk anyways. After we downed several cans, the bassist said directly, “I want to play with you once. If you don’t want to, then say no.”

I stared at him blankly before looking over at Xiao Bi. With a smiling face, Xiao Bi rejected the guy’s offer. “He’s not interested in you. Also…he doesn’t do the receiving end, are you okay with that?”

The bassist spit out a ring of smoke into the air, and said naturally, “I don’t care. He can do whatever he wants. But there’s no point if I’m forcing him into it. There has to be mutual consent for this kind of thing.”

Hearing them talk, I felt relaxed and started hesitating. The guy had a rather good body, and he wasn’t one of my friends… Seeing that I was silent, Xiao Bi leaned over and whispered, “He has condoms here. Just have some fun. I’m going back first.”

In the end, I stayed. Even though I couldn’t remember his name, I fooled around with the bassist on his bed for the entire night. Not only did he have nimble fingers, he had a nimble tongue as well, and a tight hole down below. I felt a streak of excitement go through me when I entered him. For once, I was enjoying myself during sex. While ruminating on the odd thought, I continued to pound into him. The moans he gave out were catalysts to my movements, but it wasn’t until I pulled at his hair forcefully that I experienced a true orgasm from sex. Afterwards, he praised, “I didn’t expect it, but you’re a real man! That felt great!”

As I had already given up on the person I had loved before, it was natural for me to take this step forward. That night, I didn’t feel any sense of betrayal. Even though I could feel an intense orgasm rampaging through my body, my heart was empty. Perhaps…that was simply the case with sex. There was no need for any apprehensions related to emotions or morals. An empty heart was the only way to give your all to lust.

After tearing down the limits I had placed on myself, I slept with a few more people on and off. None of them ever got mad at me for having my way with them and not contacting them afterwards. I didn’t do anything overboard despite the slight violent streak I exhibited during sex; rather, it only made the experience more exhilarating. Adding on my deceptive appearance, it was easy for me to find a one-night lover.

Xiao Bi didn’t care how many people I slept with; he was more than willing to introduce me to new partners. The only persistent thing he did was warn me, “Be sure to use protection. Don’t infect yourself with that.” But when I was in the heat of the moment, it was easy to forget about condoms. In any case, I was a lowly existence. I was already gay, why would I fear of contracting HIV?

I returned “home” to sleep less often. My friends had mostly heard about how I was living day to day, but they didn’t treat me any different. From what I knew, they weren’t living a spotless life either. The only difference was that I was sleeping with men, while they were sleeping with women.

Before the end of the year, I had pretty much dropped out of school. In my letters, I only told Xiao Chuan and my dad that I had changed housing and that they should mail everything to my new address. They didn’t suspect a thing, only telling me to take care of my health and to come back for the New Year. After thinking about it, I decided against going back.

Even though the winters in the north were bitter cold, it was much easier to withstand due to the central heating. [3] I could sleep until midday without waking up due to the cold. On one Monday, everyone else had left to do their business. I was still in bed trying to make up for the exhaustion of the past two nights, then I heard a stranger’s voice.

Strangers came and left rather frequently in that room, so I didn’t pay him any attention and continued to sleep. But that person came over and ripped off my quilt.

“Why are you still sleeping?!”

I sat up unwillingly and glared at the guy.

He immediately paused, the hand he had on my shoulder hanging awkwardly in midair.

“…I’m sorry.”

I looked at him closely. The boy in front me didn’t seem like someone who would frequent this place. He looked refined and polite. He was also tall in stature, dressed in a silvery-grey trench coat, and his hair was devoid of any strange colors.

I asked, “Who are you looking for?”

The boy didn’t say anything, but instead stared at my face. By then, all my morals had collapsed into a pile of rubble, so I lifted up my shirt. “I’m not female. Do you want to take a look down below?”

“…I know…It’s okay.” His face immediately turned red. For some reason, I was reminded of Xiao Chuan.

With that thought, I smiled and said “sorry” back to him. I then asked whom he was looking for again.

It turned out…he was Lin Dong’s younger brother. His family had sent him as a representative to detain and escort Lin Dong back home to spend the New Year together. I recalled Xiao Bi saying something about finally buying a set of drums. They were practicing together, but I didn’t know where. While speaking, I rummaged around my pockets for the one thing I always needed when I woke up. Immediately, he pulled out a lighter and flicked it on in front of me.

The look he had on his face and his other small movements made me suspicious. I deliberately brushed against his hand, and he turned red again.

I decided to ask him directly. He tried pretending for a bit and then quickly ran off. I didn’t need to say anything. His reaction had confirmed my suspicions—he was.

Thinking about it, his parents were caught in a rather tragic dilemma. Their older son was obsessed with the underground music scene, while their younger son was gay. It seemed like all the bad luck in the world had befallen that family. In China…it would be difficult to find another family like theirs even if you combed through a hundred thousand of them.

When Lin Dong returned, I told him that his family had sent his younger brother to look for him. While nobody was looking at us, he threatened, “You’re not allowed to form any ideas about him. Otherwise, I’ll beat you to a pulp!”

I wasn’t aware how much he knew about his brother, so I only said to myself in my heart: I’ll be lucky if he doesn’t form any ideas about me.

I didn’t expect Lin Dong to be that protective of his family, even fearing that I would do something to his brother. However, when his brother came again the next day looking for him, he practically roared in the polite boy’s face and drove him away. I looked on with a hint of a smile, but that only elicited another snarl from him.

“What is that look on your face! I’m going to beat you into a pulp!”

Translation Notes:

[1] An American novelist from the Beat Generation during the 1950s. A pioneer of the movement along with Allen Ginsberg.

[2] A novel written by Kerouac that details his travels across the United States.

[3] Heating is rather weird in China. Northern China has a public central heating system which is subsidized by the government and powered by coal. Southern China does not. Most residents in the south have to install floor heating or radiators by themselves, which are electric and paid out of their own pocket. If people choose not to install heating, then they simply have to bear with the cold and put on more layers. Southern China is also humid, which makes winters especially cold. The divide between heating in the north and south was the result of a policy decided back in the 50s. Due to the limitation of resources in that era, the government chose to restrict central heating to the north. The divide is known as the Qin-Huai Line. This policy is still in place even now.

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