Chapter 23

Parsed with an automated reader. The content accuracy is not guranteed.

“…Aren’t you afraid of death?”

“…Just a little bit. I’m not that afraid.”

“Haha, I’m the same… Die with me, okay?”

“…What about your music?”

“To hell with music… I’m over. Already over.”

Around the new year, most of my “playmates” had gone home to spend the holiday. As a result, I reined in myself and spent all day strolling the streets with my roommates instead. The place we frequented the most was the record market. They spent a lot of money on dakou cassettes and CDs [1]. Xiao Bi was an expert on them as he used to sell them. According to him, he’d sold practically everything under the sun. I joked and asked, “Does that include yourself?”

In his usual lazy voice, he said, “Yup, what’s the harm in that?”

Lin Dong had joined us on our stroll that day. The musician he liked the most was Kurt Cobain [2], the soul of Nirvana. Whenever he came across a cassette or a CD by them, he would buy it right away. To him, Cobain was an eternal name, even if the person with that name had passed away in 1994.

“He died because he had reached the pinnacle with his music. Sentimental lyrics and explosive beats, he had done them all. There wasn’t anything left for him to do.” Lin Dong’s voice was calm as he described Cobain’s death, but there was a fervor in his eyes. “…If I could follow his steps, then that’d be the best.”

I didn’t know which step he was referring to: reaching the pinnacle of music or shooting himself with a gun. So I asked, “You’re not…thinking of killing yourself, right?”

He looked at me coldly, and said in an icy voice, “That’s none of your business!”

The other guys with us burst into laughter. In a quiet provocation, Xiao Bi said, “Freak! Quit pretending… I can’t believe you just compared yourself to Cobain. Who do you think you are?”

For once, Lin Dong didn’t fly into a fit of anger. Instead, he turned around and left, his lonely figure appearing like a wounded animal.

I nudged Xiao Bi. “That was a little bit overboard. Isn’t he angry?”

Xiao Bi rolled his eyes at me. “You can’t bear to see him hurt? He’d always been like this!”

Aside from Lin Dong and me, everybody else—including Xiao Bi—chose to go home for the new year. Xiao Bi said he hadn’t been home for a couple years now. Hopefully, he could avoid a shouting match this time when he sees his family. Two days before the new year [3], all of us roommates gathered for the last time to send off the people who were leaving and to celebrate the new year with Lin Dong and me.

In that small room, we prepared a big pot of lamb hotpot and plenty of erguotou [4]. Even though I could never stomach anything with a high alcohol content, I was prepared to drink until I was dead that night.

Maybe it was because Xiao Bi was leaving the next day, but he was much calmer when it came to dealing with Lin Dong. He was also unwilling to leave me behind and told me to take care of his new drums. The place they practiced at was in the basement, which was cold and humid. A few days ago, he’d brought his drums over and made his bed its new home. At night, he would squeeze himself onto my bed and sleep with me.

Somewhat dazed from the alcohol, I joked, “Me or your drums, who’s more important?”

He thought for a moment, and I saw a nervous expression come on his face for the first time. “…Don’t blame me for it, but my drums are more important. But…you’re right after it!”

Laughing, I slapped him on the forehead. “Can’t you just lie to me? Careful I don’t dismantle it while you’re gone!”

“Haha, you would never do that. Out of everyone I know, I trust you the most. I’m leaving it in your care!”

Everybody was having a good time that night, but Lin Dong was unusually quiet. After Xiao Bi handed over his drums to me, he pulled out his dirty backpack and handed a small, flat case to Lin Dong. “I can’t take this with me, so I’m giving it to you.”

All of us had our eyes trained on the case, looking astonished. Lin Dong took it and stuffed it in his pocket. One of the guys asked what it was, but Lin Dong cut him off, and said, “It’s not something for you guys to try.”

Looking at the curiosity on my face, Xiao Bi said next to my ear, “I still have some left. If you want to try it, we can smoke some later.”

We finished our “Last Dinner” in laughter and jokes. The other kids left, leaving only the three of us in the room. Xiao Bi pulled out the treasure he’d been hoarding on his body. Turned out, it was a few cigarettes, just a bit skinnier than the ones in a normal pack.

Guessing, I asked, “Marijuana?”

“Yup, there’s no harm in smoking a bit. Much gentler than popping pills.”

He was right. It wasn’t very different from smoking a normal cigarette. I couldn’t make out any distinguishable taste. I felt a bit dizzy, but good. We ended up drinking a few more bottles of alcohol after that, and that was when disaster hit. Holding my heavy head, I spent the next thirty to forty minutes puking out my guts in the bathroom. When I woke up the next day, I could feel a headache still raging inside my head. Then I saw a cold and sexy face appear in front of me.

Lin Dong said, “Useless! I can’t believe you’re like this after smoking a few pieces of grass!”

In a broken manner, I said, “Xiao Bi…you didn’t…go see him off?”

“He left already! Do you know what time it is?!”

“…Oh…I’m thirsty.” I sat up slowly, prepared to go and get some water.

“Here!” With a fierce face, Lin Dong handed me something—a glass of hot water.

“…Did you make this?”

“I’m not allowed to make it?”

“Haha… No, no…”

While I was laughing stupidly, Lin Dong’s brother came again. He said that no matter what, Lin Dong had to go home with him. Their parents already agreed to not fight with him. While speaking, he glanced at me from the corner of his eyes.

Lin Dong immediately slapped him. “You bastard! Where’d you learn this from? If you dare to let mom and dad know about it… I’ll kill you with my own hands!”

I quickly got off the bed and grabbed Lin Dong around the waist, trying to pull him away.

His brother looked at him blankly for a few seconds, and then shouted, “So you’re the only one allowed to have a problem? And I have to be the good kid? That’s not fair! Do you think of me as your younger brother or not? Why are you always so angry at me? You even hit me! You’re not my brother anymore!”

After that outburst, he turned around and ran out of the room. Lin Dong—who’d just been stomping around in rage—was now deathly quiet. Enough to make me worry. He wrangled his way out of my arms and lay on his bed facing the wall. He didn’t speak a single word to me after that.

I went out and bought a few big bags of groceries and left them in the kitchen. When I finished making food, I put an additional bowl and pair of chopsticks on the table. After eating, I went out and made a phone call. When I came back, the table was already tidy and clean. We lived an entire day that way.

On New Year’s Eve, Lin Dong woke up early. I was still in bed when he finished washing up. Quietly, he said, “I’m going back.”

His voice sounded tired, which meant he’d probably stayed awake the whole night. I grunted in reply and his footsteps led him away from this temporary home.

Thinking about it, it was the first time I spent the new year alone, but I didn’t feel lonely at all. After getting out of bed, I went outside and used my IC card on the public phone booth to make calls to my family and friends. Everybody except Li Weisen. I only told Xiao Chuan to relay a “Happy New Year” to him. Was this the best for both of us?

Around 8 o’clock at night, it started snowing outside. I turned on the TV to watch the New Year’s Gala, enjoying my time alone. Unexpectedly, Lin Dong chose that time to come back. I stared in shock at his snow-covered figure.

Carefully, I asked, “…Did you guys fight again?”

He didn’t reply. He took off his coat and tossed it on the couch. He pulled out the flat case from his pocket and smoked several joints of marijuana and swallowed two white pills.

In a panic, I ripped the case out of his hands and tossed it out the window. “Don’t do this!”

“Are you fucking kidding me!” He jumped up and grabbed a fistful of my collar. “Go pick it up!”

“…I’m not going to. You’re not allowed either!”

He stared at me; his expression fierce like an animal wanting to swallow me whole. Faced with that expression, I swore I felt cold sweat dripping off my back. Finally, he released me. He grabbed his guitar and sat on the couch alone, singing to himself. It was Don’t Cry [5], a song he knew by heart. He repeated the tragic lyrics over and over, looking as if he’d still be there singing that song until the end of time. Watching him, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

When he was tired of singing, his eyes clouded over, and he looked beaten. He found a small knife in one of the drawers and started playing a dangerous game with his right hand spread out against the table. Not knowing what else to do, I ran up and tried to reach for the knife. Quickly, I found it resting right against my neck.

The following exchange we had was strange. When he said he was over, he finally set the knife down. I thought he was going to cry, but he didn’t. Instead, he said something even stranger, “Do you want to fuck me?”

I stared at him wordlessly. He reached down and unbuttoned his pants. “I’m feeling a bit shameless tonight. Didn’t you want to fuck me? Come on.”

“…You…you’re my friend. I can’t do that with you.”

“What friend? I don’t have any friends!” He screamed at me. “Are you going to fuck me or not? I’ll go find somebody else!”

“…You can’t. It’s New Year’s Eve,” I said calmly, an influence from having stayed around Xiao Bi for so long. Lin Dong’s head was a mess after taking drugs, there was no reason for me to play along.

“Fine. I’ll continue my game then.” He picked up the knife again and splayed his hand against the table. He didn’t seem to be threatening me. He had simply downright lost his mind. The knife flitted across his fingers, stabbing down at the table in a rhythm that only grew faster and faster. It was a small paring knife made for cutting fruit, and especially sharp at that. Finally, I surrendered.

“Okay, I’ll do it. Put the knife down!”

He tossed the knife aside with an “oh” and walked unevenly to the bed. He took off his pants, exposing his well-built body. But I wasn’t in the mood to appreciate the sight. I didn’t feel an ounce of excitement in me.

His only request was: “Do it hard and don’t kiss me.” I did as he told. Physically, I felt great, as he had been the object of my sexual fantasies for quite some time. From his reaction however, I could tell he didn’t often do this type of thing. He was having a hard time being on the receiving end. Even though he was bleeding from the back, he told me to “do it harder.” After the first round, he asked for a second. When I said no, he started cursing at me. “Are you still a man or not?”

As someone who never responded to taunts, I tied both of his hands and feet to the bed. “I’ll show you something even more amazing! Just wait!”

And then…I cleaned up his wounds and covered him with a quilt. I sat down in front of the TV and continued watching the gala. Lin Dong made a fuss at first, but I ignored him. Soon after, he fell asleep.

The next day, he woke me up with a complaint. “Hey! Can you fucking untie me? It hurts!”

“…Exactly where do you hurt?” My mocking tone of voice made me sound exactly like Xiao Bi.

Lin Dong yelled, “Both of you fucking bastards! Untie me!”

Smiling, I moved down to his face. “I’m going to kiss you.”

“Disgusting! Bastard! I’m going to beat you to a pulp!”

“Haha, did the drugs wear off? I’ll untie you, but you can’t get angry. Also, don’t play around with that knife!”

“Stop nagging! I’m so hungry I feel like there’s a hole in my stomach!”

“…You didn’t eat anything last night?”

After a brief silence, he smiled bitterly. He said, “That’s right. We started arguing the minute I went back. It was about my brother. They seemed to have an idea of what was going on. They said I was responsible for setting a bad example for him.”

What a rare sight… He was actually talking about his family with me. I slowly untied the sock I’d used to bind his feet, but he soon started cursing at my careful movements.

“If you think of me as a friend, then stop treating me like a woman! Quickly!”

Friend? I glanced at Lin Dong out of surprise and found him staring at me.

“Everybody in this room is a friend of mine. You are now too.”

I wanted to ask him if it was because of what happened last night, but I resisted. Lin Dong wasn’t thick-skinned enough to talk about that sort of thing. It would be a secret from now on. The way he released his pent-up emotions was a bit masochistic, but I wasn’t that despicable of a person to point it out to him. Was that why he decided to confide in me? As long as I was aware… In any case, there was no point in asking. The most important right now was filling up our stomachs!

Translation Notes:

[1] The English term for this is cut-out, which refers to surplus stock that are sold at a deep discount. Manufacturers would cut out a corner, punch a hole in the case, or add a notch to the spine to mark these items. They are then sold to retailers as non-returnable items. Dakou cassettes and CDs—as they are known in China—played an important role in developing the rock music scene in the 90s. Now, they are obsolete.

[2] An American musician, frontman of the rock band Nirvana. Committed suicide by gunshot.

[3] The new year mentioned in this chapter is Chinese New Year, which is calculated via the Lunar Calendar and typically falls around the end of January and beginning of February when extrapolated to the Gregorian Calendar. The specific day Gao Yu is referring to here is known as Layue Ershiba (腊月二十八), which translates to the 28th day of the twelfth lunar month. A day when you start preparing food for the new year. There isn’t an equivalent English term for this day, hence when I translated it to two days before the new year.

[4] 二锅头. A type of baijiu, one of the most popular types consumed in Beijing. The two famous brands of erguotou are Red Star and Niulanshan. For Red Star, the alcohol content can be anywhere from 43% to 65%. It’s fairly strong.

[5] Don’t Cry by Guns N’Roses.

Like this:Like Loading...