Chapter 24

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“You came back.”

“…Yeah.”

“Xiao Chuan called me earlier. He says he’s on his way here.”

“Oh…please come in.”

“…No need to act distant.”

Lin Dong and I spent the next two weeks together. Nothing else happened during that time. He would play his guitar and I would work on my novel. We found amusement by ourselves. Occasionally, we would talk, and we naturally ended up divulging the things we’d done in the past. At the end, we summarized our experiences with a unanimous “freak” and smiled at each other.

Lin Dong was younger than me by a year, but he’d lived a rollercoaster of a life. In middle school, he’d almost died while fighting for a friend; he still had a long scar on his waist to show from that fight. The only girlfriend he’d been serious about was his college classmate, but she gave up on him after he was expelled for skipping too many classes. She eventually moved to the United States with her family. His parents had smashed several of his guitars and had frozen his bank account, but he simply ran away from home and started selling bootleg DVDs and dakou cassettes. He had come across Xiao Bi purely because they were business competitors. He then got caught doing drugs in public and got sent to the police station. His family didn’t come to bail him out, so he suffered quite a bit while inside. His custody got extended several times due to his fiery temper. Finally, his parents went to take him home. His dad had been adamant on breaking his hands, saying that he would finally listen that way. Out of solutions, his mom helped him escape from home. From time to time, she would give him some pocket money to help him get by.

I told him that he should control himself, that there weren’t any parents in the world who didn’t worry about their kid. He then showed me his hands—all his fingertips were misshapen and had thick callous on them. His hands couldn’t be described as pretty at all.

“I can’t do anything else. I’ve loved music since I was thirteen. It has already ruined me. What can I do other than give it a piece of my mind?”

I told him that he would eventually be successful. Once he was popular, his family would accept him.

He looked away at a distant spot. “Popular? I only know how to be at odds with this fucking world. And how to be at odds with myself. I only bring damage to the people around me. Only in death will I be obedient. If you want to talk about popularity, then do it with the people who do mainstream.”

“Then…limit how much you smoke that stuff?”

“I smoke when I’m irritated and when I’m out of inspiration…. You shouldn’t touch that stuff. And don’t hang around us.”

“I’m not an angel either. I’m a freak!”

“Haha…you’re not the same as us. You’re gay at most, but we are rotten inside and outside. You’re lucky you met that bastard first. Otherwise, you’d be goner after a few days. He and I don’t snort, or we would’ve dragged you down with us…. We might’ve killed you or sold you!”

“…Snort?” I was shocked when I heard that word. I was suddenly reminded of one of my playmates. He would use that stuff the minute he woke up. It was disgusting to watch, and I rushed out the door the minute I realized what he was doing.

“I’ll only say this once—don’t touch that stuff if you still want to be human.” Lin Dong’s expression was serious.

Smiling, I said, “I’ll also only say this once—no matter what, don’t touch that stuff if you still consider me a friend.”

We never gave each other a solid response, as our conversation got interrupted. The local kids had come back from visiting their family. The minute they walked in, they said that they missed us in voices brimming with enthusiasm. Not long after, they went toward their “true loves” and started playing and singing.

It took ten days for Xiao Bi to come back. He said that his family had decided to forgive him; he’d lied and told them that he was working a proper job. Looking at his tired yet happy face, I felt my heart hurting for him. Their youth, was it beautiful or was it cruel?

The days flew by, and I soon went back to the lifestyle I had before the new year came around. One of my playmates—who was the same age as me—was especially attached to me. He worked at a beauty salon. His face was very pretty, and he had an elegant and proper air about him, yet he was especially lustful in bed. That combination was enough to captivate me, and I went out on dates with him frequently.

One day in early summer, he told me that he “liked” me. I stared at him silently, unable to form a response even after a long while. Crying, he told me to forget what he’d just said and pretend that it was a joke. Even now…I was still hurting others. Emotion was a wordless devil. With the way things were, I chose to end it in the most straightforward and cruelest manner: I told him that I never wanted to see him again. He called me a bastard, and I was struck with a sharp twinge of guilt. I almost hoped I could come to love him, but I’d already lost the ability to love someone. I was never…going to love anyone again.

Finally, he made one last request of me: he wanted to leave a mark on my body. I thought he meant he wanted to hit me or stab me, so I agreed without any fuss. I didn’t expect that the so-called “mark” was simply a tattoo of his zodiac animal on the back of my waist: a small black snake. Of course, it was my zodiac animal as well. He tattooed a similar snake on his waist. He said that he wanted to remember me and wanted me to remember him as well. His tattoo was on the front, so he could see it anytime, but mine was on the back. “If you don’t want to see it, then don’t look back. I don’t want you to be annoyed.” His awkwardness reminded me of how I was in the past. Even though he wanted me to remember him, he had to go and say something like that.

I attempted a smile and kissed his soft, short hair. “I will remember you…. I like you as well, so we have to stop here. You understand.”

After that, I stopped sleeping around and behaved myself. I couldn’t muster up any interest even in the people Xiao Bi had introduced to me. It was tiring to be in constant danger of racking up emotional debt just to satisfy my sexual urges. I would rather solve that problem together with Xiao Bi. He was simply a close friend. I was never worried that Xiao Bi or Lin Dong would develop feelings for me. They were the same in that respect: their true love was music, and they could give up on everything else for that love.

When Xiao Bi saw the tattoo on my waist, he cracked many perverted jokes about it. “This tattoo of yours…it makes people want to….”

“Want to what?”

“Haha, nothing. Can I at least kiss it?”

By the end of September, I was penniless; I had spent all the money I saved up. Just when I was worrying over it, I received a letter from Xiao Chuan. There was a bright red invitation inside the letter: Li Weisen was getting married on National Day [1] this year. He was inviting me to his wedding banquet. Following my name on the invitation were two words that stabbed themselves into my eyes: And Girlfriend. My dad had also mentioned the wedding in his letter a few days earlier. My stepmom was also getting close to her estimated due date. He urged me to go home so that I could witness these two important events.

That night, I told my roommates I was going home, but that I would be back if an opportunity arose. Everybody immediately called out a “Come back soon,” but Lin Dong and Xiao Bi were different. They told me to never come back. The only difference was their expression: Lin Dong was calm, while Xiao Bi was smiling.

The night before I left, the three of us chased out all the other kids and smoked marijuana together for the last time. In a cloud of smoke, I said to Lin Dong, “You can take out all your grievances on me today. From now on, we don’t owe each other anything!”

Smiling, Xiao Bi looked between Lin Dong and I. “Look at you two, feigning indifference the whole time and keeping me in the dark! Why don’t I leave as well?”

A slight hint of embarrassment disrupted Lin Dong’s look of disdain. “Stop with your delusions! I’m not gay. You guys can stay, I’ll leave!”

They both stood up and walked toward the door. Laughing, I pulled them back. “All right, neither of you are leaving. The three of us are going to have a good talk tonight. There won’t be a chance in the future.”

We talked for a long time after that, until the sky turned light. That night, we also made promises over many things. The last thing I said to them was, “Don’t do drugs.” The last thing they said to me was, “Take care of yourself.”

I wouldn’t be contacting them again in the future. We’d already said everything we needed to say to each other. But they would always be my friends, no matter how much time passed.

When I boarded my train, many friends came to see me off, including the boy I hadn’t seen in a long time. When the train started moving slowly, he pointed at his waist, then pointed at me, and made a heart in front of his chest with his fingers. Smiling, I watched as his figure grew smaller in the distance. “I’m sorry,” those two words were completely unnecessary—damage he didn’t need to suffer. In his heart, I had loved him, so he could…see me off without any tears or regret.

On the trip back, the train took the same route it did when it took me up to that northern city. The trip was still around 10 hours, and similar to when I had first taken the train, when I woke up, I was already in a place faraway from where I’d started. Carrying my few pieces of luggage, I hailed a taxi and told the driver to take it slow.

My hometown was familiar, yet completely different. The scenery on the streets and the people walking past were different from the city I had just left. I came back to my normal life, back to my original route. My friends in the northern city seemed to be right in front of me, yet untouchable. I couldn’t deny that I felt out of place in my hometown, like a stranger, but I should adjust soon enough. Humans, we are a species that possess high adaptability after all.

I opened the door that I hadn’t seen in an entire year and stepped through. The room inside looked clean. My dad and stepmom came every week to clean, preparing for my return at any time. The phone still worked. Even my bed had fresh sheets and pillows. I sat down on it and stared off into space for a while.

After I took a long shower, I called my dad and Xiao Chuan. My dad’s voice didn’t sound too emotional over the phone. He said, “I’m glad you’re back. Come over tomorrow.”

In contrast, Xiao Chuan was absolutely delighted. “Gao Yu? You’re back? I’m coming over right now!”

“No need to—” Before I could finish the word “hurry,” Xiao Chuan had hung up. He was probably already on his way here. In that moment, I finally felt like I was back and couldn’t help but laugh while looking at the phone.

I started organizing and putting away my luggage. I put a box of cassettes inside the drawer that held all my treasures. Lin Dong and the others had recorded them; the cassettes contained all their music and bits and pieces of our conversations. They were fragments of happy memories, which only created an ache in my heart. In a few days, I was going to transfer the contents over to CDs, which apparently kept for 50 years. Ha…50 years, I hoped they actually lasted that long. I didn’t want to forget the time I had spent with them. Their lives were like fireworks, a burst of vibrant color and noise, but brief in existence. I wanted to remember that they had existed.

When I finished putting away everything, Xiao Chuan arrived. In his hurry, he didn’t even use the doorbell and instead pounded at my door. I instantly ran over to open it, but the person standing outside was someone I didn’t expect to see—Li Weisen.

Though I was shocked, I still politely let him inside. He didn’t make any special expression when he sat down. Instead, he said, “Long time no see,” and continued to make other small talk with me.

It was best this way. We were strangers to each other. I was satisfied with the distant dialogue between us, it was only reasonable and fair. Not long after, Xiao Chuan arrived. He stated that we were going to have a welcome back dinner for me.

Xiao Chuan especially chose the restaurant we frequented in the past. He was so happy that he was rambling, and it took a long time before he could speak calmly. He wrapped an arm around my neck and told me that he missed me. Without batting an eyelid, I moved slightly away from him. I wasn’t the same as before…his excessive affection and closeness could easily elicit an unwanted physical reaction down below from me.

Li Weisen gave us a very important task that night: to invite his wedding guests to dinner. He was going to handle all his coworkers, but he had left friends and classmates to us.

Xiao Chuan complained, “Gao Yu just came back, and you’re already putting him to work?”

“…What can you do when both of you are my best friends?”

Translation Notes:

[1] October 1st. Celebrating the establishment of the People’s Republic of China in 1949.

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