Chapter 3

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“It’s strange. I rather miss you after not seeing you for a few days.”

“…Haha. That’s corny. I’m going to faint from the corniness.”

“I have even cornier lines. Want to hear?”

“Of course… Not!”

Time was a marvelous thing. It could turn a disguise into habit and erase fear into nothingness.

After battling with myself day after day, I gradually came to accept the cruel reality: I couldn’t win against the monstrous demon inside my heart. I had no choice but to admit that I liked him, someone who was of the same sex as me.

I was no longer scared as I was confident enough of the mask I wore each day. No one would ever find out. I was completely safe. All I needed to do was try to constrain the impatience and gloom inside my heart.

As for him, not only did I stop evading him, I happily grew closer to him. With the risk of death on my mind, I would stand beside him and enjoy the scent he carried. Through that, I experienced real but utterly hopeless pleasure. While reveling in my guilty pleasure, a word would keep nagging me in the back of my mind: abnormal. I didn’t bother trying to erase the word from my mind, because I was exactly that sort of person. Even if I denied it, it would only be a pretense. I was already tired from arming myself to the teeth and putting on a disguise every day to smile in front of people; I had no energy left to lie to myself.

However, whenever I saw my fellow kind being vaguely mentioned and vilified on TV and in books, I would feel needles stabbing all over my body. Disgusting labels and derogatory terms. Filthy and vulgar descriptions. Men who were like women. That was the public’s assessment of people like me. For what reason?

Truthfully, I understood their reasons, but I still couldn’t resist shouting deep inside my heart, “Why? Why!”

Of course, no one would answer me. I also didn’t have the courage to ask anyone that question aloud. I didn’t want to be abandoned by the world. I was satisfied to let that illusion persist. I wanted us to remain friends who could sacrifice ourselves for each other; who could go through thick and thin for each other. We were friends, or more accurately brothers. Truthfully, there wasn’t much of a difference between the terms. Only between us, there were words I could never say and expressions I had to hide within the deepest confines of myself. And it could only remain that way until the end of my life.

It wasn’t too bad like this. He and I each had a role to play in our lives. If nothing went wrong, I would always be a good friend of his and would accompany him down the long, long road of life.

Like that, I drafted up a premature blueprint of my life during the winter when I was fifteen. It was an inconsequential blueprint, but it held my deepest desires. Drawn on the blueprint was me, Xiao Chuan, and him.

During winter break, the three of us continued to hang out together. We went shopping and to see the movies. We also chatted while getting drunk on beer. No matter what we did, I was as lively as I could be; the only exception being when we went to Li Weisen’s house to watch Category III films. Despite the big breasts and wide hips filling the screen, despite the unnatural, forced gasps of the actors, I would sit there calmly without a word; every part of my body including my brain deep in the dregs of sleep. I didn’t have the appropriate reaction for a boy my age. Sitting there, I came to the realization that I probably wouldn’t have any reaction toward women for the rest of my life. As for the two of them, I could hear their breaths becoming faster; I could see their fingers tightening around the edges of their shirts and pants. To control their physical reactions, they would twitch and shift around in their spots and feign calmness as they joked around in measured voices.

During those moments, I would play along and churn out jokes on the spot as if I had them memorized. The images I conjured up had them scrambling for the bathroom. After coming out, we would smile at each other in tacit understanding to defuse the strange awkwardness. In this game of resisting against our sexual nature, I was always the winner. They had no hopes of matching my “astounding endurance.” Of course, I would also go to the bathroom at the end to avoid rousing their suspicions. I would look at my reflection in the mirror and sneer at myself. The boy reflected back at me was calm, but his eyes were gloomy.

Every time, I would make sure Xiao Chuan sat between the two of us. This prevented me from forming any sort of wicked thoughts about him. Xiao Chuan and Li Weisen never paid any attention to this permanent seating arrangement. It was my way of maintaining control over the great waves of desire rising in my heart. I made sure to never cross the bottom line I had drawn. I wasn’t willing to dye him in filth, not even in my fantasies. Because…he was the person I liked.

I would rather use other methods to discharge the pent-up tension from having to suppress my desires. Cigarettes, alcohol, the thrill of violence, and books good or boring, I’d tried them all. More than once, I had started fights with strangers over the smallest reasons. I would throw punches and kicks until Xiao Chuan and Li Weisen were incapable of standing aside doing nothing. They would step in to pull me away and ask me what was wrong, but I told them nothing. I would simply say that I was feeling hot-headed, and joke that it was probably because I had too much hot pot.

Whenever I was alone, I got used to wandering the streets. I would walk from the end of one street to the end of another; drift from one shopping center to the corners of another. During one of my wanderings, I chanced upon a novel inside a bookstore. Be it the title or the contents, I was shocked to my core when I laid my eyes upon them. It was called Confessions of a Mask, written by a Japanese author.

I couldn’t believe such a book was being displayed openly on the shelf. It had a simple yet elegant cover with a black and white photo of the author inside. He was a man who had refined and symmetrical features. The foreword to the novel mentioned that he had “committed seppuku.” He died? The man who had cut me apart as I stood in the bookstore and dug out my innermost secret was already dead? However, I was finally hit with the realization that there was such an outstanding man among my kind. The world had acknowledged him. I didn’t have a reason to pass by the book; it belonged to me. On the way home that day, I held it tightly within my arms.

From that day on, I marked every bookstore in the city and dawdled my time away as I looked through the shelves. I thumbed through each book with careful attention and would stay for hours at a time. I was hungry and thirsty to find a line, a word even, about people like me within the pages. After much investigation, I managed to buy a copy of Kiss of the Spider Woman. After reading through it, I couldn’t find the words to describe my misery. “If he’s a guy, he would want a woman.[1]” After reading such cruel words, I quietly locked the book inside the lowest drawer of my desk and swore to myself to never open the pages again.

On New Year’s Eve, the minute the clock hit twelve, Xiao Chuan called me. “Happy New Year!”

The din of countless firecrackers going off simultaneously made my eardrums hurt. I wondered if Xiao Chuan had turned stupid to call at this time. Besides Li Weisen and him, all my other friends had called earlier to extend their new year’s greetings.

I said “Happy New Year” back, though it would be more accurate to say I had practically screamed into the phone to be heard over the racket outside. Hearing his snicker on the other end, a lightbulb went off in my head. “You! You did this on purpose!”

I gritted my teeth in anger and ended the call. I returned to my seat on the couch and continued watching the New Year’s Gala with my dad. The programs this year were rather interesting, but my dad’s eyes were empty as he stared at the TV screen. I wanted to know what he was thinking, but couldn’t bring myself to ask. Instead, I said, “Dad, you should go to sleep early. I’ll go to work with you tomorrow.” My dad had chosen to work during the new year. He truly was lonely.

After my dad went to sleep, I bundled up in my bed and lay awake in hesitation until two in the morning. Just when I was about to pick up the phone and make a call, it rang. The voice I had been waiting to hear the whole night sounded beside my ear. “Were you asleep?”

“No. You also haven’t gone to bed?”

“…I can’t sleep. I want to take a walk outside.” His voice was low and deep. It made him sound like an adult.

“Don’t be an idiot. There’s no one on the streets right now.”

“Then… Why don’t we chat for a bit?”

“Okay.”

“Actually… There really isn’t anything to chat about. I simply want to talk.”

“Then talk. Whatever is fine.”

“…Oh. I forgot to say Happy New Year.”

“Happy New Year,” I replied dumbly. There were countless other words I wanted to say to him, but I choked them back down out of fear.

“Gao Yu, is there something on your mind? I feel like you’ve been acting strange for a while now.”

“Don’t you also have something on your mind? Are you still thinking about her?”

“Ah, you saw through me? You definitely are smarter than me.” He brushed aside the topic with a light, joking voice. As if nothing had happened, he continued, “Let’s talk about you. What’s wrong exactly?”

“Nothing’s wrong. It’s just… My parents are getting divorced.” I could only divulge this one secret to hide my other big secret.

“What? You sure are tight-lipped. When did this happen?” For me, it was enough to hear the concern in his voice.

“It’s been a while. Don’t worry, I’m fine. My dad is pretty broken-up over it though.”

“I don’t believe that you’re fine at all. Though I must say, you sure are good at holding it together. Impressive…” His voice drifted off and I heard a crisp sound on his end. It sounded like the wheel of his steel lighter striking flint. As if it were only natural, I followed and pulled out the lighter and the pack of cigarettes I had stored under my pillow.

When the first cloud of smoke passed between my lips, his voice once again came through the phone. “You smoke as well?”

“Yup.”

“Then… Let’s continue our talk. Where were we? Oh right, don’t think about it too much. If you have time, come out and hang with us.”

“…I know. I will.”

“You sure are quiet. Are you sleepy?”

“No, I’m wide awake. I can stay up for the whole night.”

We continued talking for a while, then I heard this from him: “It’s strange, I rather miss you after not seeing you for a few days.”

My mind immediately short-circuited itself with a snap. I knew he didn’t mean anything else with his words, but I couldn’t stop myself from fantasizing about everything. After staying silent for half a minute, I finally found the courage to reply. In an indifferent voice, I teased and taunted him. Until finally, we ended the call in mutual laughter.

I couldn’t sleep for the whole night afterwards. Over and over, I replayed his words in my mind. The intonation and the rhythm, I dissected them to bits and pieces. At the same time, I told myself: Stop thinking about it. You’re not allowed to think about it…

The cigarette butts piled up one after another in an aluminum can that I was using as an ashtray. Every few minutes, the pitch-black room would flicker to life with the help of a tiny, red flame. The secret birth and swift death of the flame repeated, until all that remained was a small pile of ashes.

Like that, I kept my eyes open for the entire night and ended up finishing an entire pack of 555. It was our favorite brand of cigarettes. I didn’t know if it had been a mere coincidence or if I had subconsciously chosen to smoke the same brand of cigarettes as him.

I had a raging headache when I got up in the morning, probably because I had smoked too much. I had a severe urge to throw up while brushing my teeth. My limbs were weak, yet as heavy as anchors. Every step I took made me feel like I was sinking into the ground.

The dizziness in my head combined with my sinking footsteps was tiring, yet comfortable. However, my dad started in fear when he noticed my state. “Xiao Yu, are you sick? Why is your complexion so horrible?”

“It’s nothing… I only… I slept a little late last night.” While replying, I slowly sat down on the couch. My throat was dry to the point that I was going to have a coughing fit, but I resisted the urge to hack out my lungs with all the power available to me.

“Even your voice is hoarse! What were you doing sleeping so late? You’re not coming with me today. Stay home and go to sleep!”

“I want to go… I said I was going…”

“Go take a shower and get to bed. I’ll try to come back as early as I can.”

My dad completely ignored what I was saying and dragged me to the bathroom. “I’ll put your clothes beside the door. Remember to grab them after you’re done.”

Click―

The bathroom door closed. I helplessly turned on the showerhead and stood under the stream of water, temporarily depositing all my dark feelings to the back of my mind.

The scalding water streamed down my body while sleep threatened to engulf my mind. I hastily finished my shower and got into bed. My dad’s advice proved to be useful. Quickly, I fell asleep inside the warm confines of my blankets. Days afterwards, I wondered if it were because my dad had frequent bouts of insomnia that he had so many tricks of getting through the night.

That day, I had a dream. My mother was cooking in the kitchen while I was focused on stuffing my mouth. As my mother busied about, she said angrily, “It’ll be lunchtime soon. Why are you in here stealing bites already? Out of the kitchen!”

I smiled gleefully and shouted, “Stealing bites is the best! Dad! Come help me. Mom’s angry!”

The dream wasn’t anything special; it was any average day in the past. Only, those days wouldn’t be coming back anymore. Like my naively happy self, they had disappeared without a trace.

Translation Notes:

[1]Adapted from Chapter 2 of the Kiss of the Spider Woman:

“I’m in love with a wonderful guy and all I ask is to live by his side for the rest of my life.”

“And since that’s impossible, because if he’s a guy he wants a woman, well, you’re never going to undeceive yourself.”

The original Chinese text actually translates to “a real man would only want a real woman.” That might have been in the Chinese version of the book, but I chose to go with the English version instead.

Additional note: Gao Yu takes great care to refer to Li Weisen as just “he” in many parts of the story. The would be rather impossible to replicate in English as it would just lead to confusion regarding who he is referring to, so I’ve changed some of the “he” to “Li Weisen” for the sake of a smoother read.

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