Chapter 4

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“What you said yesterday, were you serious?”

“What did I say?”

“About what you’re going to do in the future.”

“Idiot! That was just a joke! Did you take it for real?”

The new semester began very quickly. We passed our school life like usual. Only, I developed a narrower set of hobbies and reined in my behavior. I was interested in a wide range of things in the past, but now only a few remained: reading, listening to music, and practicing calligraphy.

I lost interest in every sport imaginable. I wasn’t in the mood to run or jump anymore, but when it came to calligraphy, I could stay at it for hours on end and not lose focus. I practiced by copying chapters out of novels and textbooks. I would listen to the same cassette over and over, write page after page of meaningless words, and idle away day after day of endless time. It was the only way to suppress the strong yearning inside me that was always within reach of my fingertips.

Even if he were standing right beside me, I would look at him as if I were recalling a memory. A voice rose inside my heart, slowly reciting the lines of a poem that I had copied countless times.

Love. It exists for the purpose of meeting.

It exists for the purpose of never separating.

If there exists a love in which you can never meet.

A love that you can never mention.

A love that you can never think about.

It would be like a spark that can never ignite.

In solitude, it gazes at the dark sky.[1]

The state of my mind was like an overgrown forest colored a deep blue. I was the only one pacing back and forth between the trees. The only thing I could do was endure. After I got tired of copying words out of books, I tried my hand at writing. It became another method for me to vent my feelings and thoughts. I started behaving during class, as listening to lectures was one of the best ways to fill the void inside me. I racked my brains over the difficult practice problems, allowing myself to waste less time on unneeded stuff.

My grades improved rapidly, especially in classes that required memorization. After a midterm test, my score had improved the overall reputation of my group of friends. It had shattered our homeroom teacher’s opinion of us—brains made of mud and rotten wood—to smithereens. To celebrate, we got together and went out to eat. Xiao Chuan was the one who paid the pill; he had always been the richest amongst all of us.

While eating, I asked them to think about their future. No matter what, they had to keep going to school. Everyone more or less came to the same conclusion. If they managed to get into a university, they could keep fooling around for a few more years, and end up with a diploma.

Xiao Chuan even declared a great ambition: “I’m definitely getting into college. I won’t rely on my family to do it either!”

Only he was the exception. He smiled, and said, “I can’t do it. I was born to be unruly. You might as well kill me if you want me to study. I just don’t believe that I’ll starve to death without a good education.”

“Then what are you going to do in the future?” I asked.

He replied without thinking, “Whatever is fine, as long as I can make money. If I have money, then I’m not afraid of anything.”

“What if you break the law?”

“It doesn’t matter as long as I don’t go to prison. Haha. It might be quite fun to be a bastard of society.”

At that, all of us burst into laughter.

“Haha, you are quite daring.”

“When you’ve made your fortune, don’t forget about us.”

He stood up with a serious expression and held out his glass for a toast. “Of course I won’t. I’d never forget about my brothers. Here’s to my bros!”

After downing our glasses, we continued laughing.

“You really think you’ll make it rich, huh?”

“We’ll come visit you in prison!”

Despite laughing along with everyone else, I was worried inside. His words sounded like offhand remarks, but it didn’t seem like he was joking.

The next day at school, I pulled him aside and asked him about it. He immediately called me an idiot. Thinking about it afterwards, I found it laughable myself. What was I worried about? Wasn’t that just the type of nonsense people spewed out when they were drunk?

After the midterm, Xiao Chuan and the others paid more attention to their studies. We often ended up doing homework or looking over our textbooks together. Li Weisen sighed whenever he was with us and soon became bored of hanging around us. He quickly made friends with a few kids from the next class.

Two months later, he suddenly skipped a whole day of school. A boy from the next class came over and said, “He got into some trouble last night and got locked up along with a few people from our class.”

Shocked at the news, Xiao Chuan and I immediately called his home, but no one picked up. We decided to visit him after school instead. Luckily, he had already returned home by then. His parents were in the middle of giving him a long lecture about his conduct; our timely arrival had saved him from having to listen to more.

He told us everything while we were in his room. It turned out to be nothing big; he had simply gotten into a fight with someone. Unfortunately, the country was cracking down on violence and criminal behavior at the time and he had been found by the police before he could even throw a punch. [2] Neither side had been injured much in the scuffle. Plus, they were underage, so his parents only paid around 3000 yuan to bail him out.

While telling us the story, he grumbled about how unlucky he was. Out of all the people who had been involved in the fight, the police only managed to catch a few, and he just had to be one of the unlucky ones. While consoling him, we also reminded him to restrain himself from now on. Otherwise, he would never be able to graduate from high school.

He finally learned to control himself after the scuffle. After having the fiasco marked as a major demerit on his school record, he learned to be content. He poured all his extra energy into sports, which he had always liked. He had been on the soccer team at school to begin with, now he was showing interest in basketball, ping pong, badminton, and even billiards. He had turned into someone whose life revolved around balls. If he had the money, he would even invite us to go bowling. Whatever the case, he just couldn’t stand to do nothing.

That semester, his grew at an alarming rate. Xiao Chuan and I were growing as well, but we were at a snail’s pace compared to him. When summer came around, he was already 177 centimeters tall. His height was rather scary for someone who was just about to enter their second year of high school. Xiao Chuan and I were still struggling around 172 centimeters. He had made fun of us countless times because of this. “Look at you two good students. All that studying has stunted your height. Haha!”

Besides sports, his other hobby was listening to music, but that was a hobby all high schoolers had, male or female. It was popular at the time to indulge in music. The band we all liked in common was Beyond[3], aside from that one band, our tastes were rather different. When Wong Ka Kui[4] died due to an accident, we all went to a karaoke bar and sang the night away. The song “The Grey Track” became the emblem of our youth. [5]

I drowned myself in music that semester. I listened to every artist I could find, the fragmented lyrics of countless songs drifting in and out of my mind every day. The melancholic melodies I wrapped myself in were firmly tied to the threads of my soul.

Longing after you is like drifting amongst white clouds. There isn’t a sky, a ground, or any seasons. I can’t find any boundaries to mark myself. Longing after you is like the sound of a sigh. I can’t describe the feeling as it lightly sounds in my sleep. How many times has it disturbed the night? [6]

A sliver of that moment lingers in my heart. A thousand words plague my soul. Like a moth to a flame, I welcome the fire. At that bright moment, I’ve fallen into a never-ending dream. [7]

The night is dark, dark like a black drape. It has stolen the laughter, and left loneliness behind. The cold air has frozen my stirring emotions. My heart has turned as raw as the cold wind. [8]

I heard the voice of my heart. In the night, it bloomed in solitude, only to decay and rot soon afterwards.

I wrote a poem called Sand Grain. It wasn’t anything worth praising, but my homeroom teacher rather liked it. He said he would recommend it to be published in the local newspaper. He told me, “Your writing style is great, but some parts can be improved. It would be better if the words were happier and more direct.”

I refused to change anything in the poem. I might as well not publish it. My homeroom teacher offered to edit the poem for me, but I quickly squashed his hopes. “I already told you I’m not changing anything. Why don’t you write a poem yourself if you want to be published so badly?”

Speechless with anger, he stormed off. Ever since then, he’d never recommended another student’s work.

“Wow, how brave. What if he starts giving you a hard time in class?” Xiao Chuan came over.

Li Weisen had been teasing a girl in the corner, but he came over as well. He snatched the copy of the poem I had in my hands and looked it over. I allowed him to read it, not the least bit ashamed of what I’d written. Even if I had written those words for him, nobody would be able to tell.

Nevertheless, he was smart enough to ask, “Huh, do you have someone you like? And it seems like the true love kind. How did we never notice?”

Xiao Chuan immediately refuted, “No way! We are practically together every day! Have you even seen him glance at a girl?”

“That’s because you’re dumb. There’s no way you would notice. Gao Yu!” He called my name seriously. “Tell me, do you have someone you like?”

“…You can take it that way,” I answered vaguely.

“That’s what I wanted to hear. You can keep the rest a secret. I won’t expose you in front of everyone!” He smiled as he handed the poem back to me, and then went back to talking with the girl. Xiao Chuan was persistent and would not rest until I told him the identity of the girl. Out of sheer helplessness, I said that it was a girl from middle school.

“Just like Li Weisen, you’re so mature for your age. What’s her name?”

I was stuck for an answer. My mind became blank. I couldn’t come up with a name no matter what I did. In the end, I fibbed and said that I didn’t know her name because we weren’t in the same class and that I never saw her again after graduation. Naïve as he was, Xiao Chuan immediately offered to help me find her so that I could confess. Dear god… Even though I was wrong for lying to Xiao Chuan, he didn’t have to create that much trouble for me.

I pretended to be deeply moved and sighed a few times for the sake of drama. I then told him that it was all in the past and that I didn’t like her anymore. “Not. Any. More!”

The emphasis I placed on those words finally convinced Xiao Chuan that I wasn’t pining after some unknown girl. But then he started to console me.

“Um… All kinds of flowers grow under the sky, you know?” [9]

“Yes.”

“The willow trees may cast shade on you, but the flowers will light your way, and soon you’ll find another village—” [10]

“Yes, I know.”

“All things under the world are good for something—” [11]

“Xiao Chuan, I never knew you were so well read,” I quickly cut in.

“Really? Do you think so?”

“Yeah, why don’t we sit down and discuss some poetry?”

“Haha, all right…” Xiao Chuan finally quieted down after my thinly veiled threat.

I looked at the poem that was the cause of all this fuss and couldn’t resist laughing at myself.

Sand Grain

I lie on the cold shore

Staring at the waves that rise up

And then

Recede layer by layer

In my silent fixation

I feel as if I have lain here for centuries

Unmoving, I lie on the shore

Letting the earth swallow my desires

Imagination my only tool

One day I am tossed up by the breeze

And sent flying into the crashing waves

For a moment, I am close to you

In another, we are distances apart

Why are my tears never accepted by the sea?

Is the land and sea simply too far apart?

Perhaps one day

I would be blown into someone’s eye

And be given

A completely different destiny

However

I would rather lie here

Silently, for the rest of eternity

Translation Notes:

[1]Untitled poem by Mu Xirong, a female poet from Taiwan.

[2]The first national crackdown in China on violence and criminal behavior occurred in 1983. There have been three more crackdowns since then, in the year of 1996, 2001, and 2010. The crackdown of 1983 had been the harshest out of the four.

[3]A rock band from Hong Kong that formed in 1983.

[4]The leader and co-founder of Beyond. He died from a stage accident while filming for a Japanese game show.

[5]A song released by Beyond in 1990.

[6]“I’m Looking for a Place” by Leslie Cheung. 《找一个地方》张国荣.

[7]“Like a Moth to a Flame” by Leslie Cheung. 《烈火灯蛾》张国荣.

[8]“Misconception” by Andy Lau. 《错觉》刘德华.

[9]A line from the poem “Butterflies Going After Flowers” 《蝶恋花》 by Su Shi, a poet from the Song Dynasty. Meaning there are plenty of opportunities in the world. Or that there are plenty more fish in the sea.

[10]A line from the poem “Traveling West Through the Mountains” 《游山西村》 by Lu You, another poet from the Song Dynasty. This line signifies that there is more than one way to solve a problem.

[11]A line from the poem “Bring in the Wine” 《将进酒》by Li Bai, a poet from the Tang Dynasty.

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