Chapter 7

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“My god… Are you crying?”

“Haha, what are you saying? Don’t be stupid… I just smoked too much.”

“That’s what I was thinking. There’s no way! Come on, go on and dance! There’s plenty of girls for you to choose from.”

“…I stayed up too late last night so I’m kind of tired. You guys dance instead.”

The second year of our high school life passed by quickly as we laughed and fooled around. Li Weisen and his girlfriend were still going steady. Xiao Chuan was going through girls like he was changing clothes. The girls he dated were all the same type: long hair, big eyes, and doll-like. As for me, I was cold toward girls like always. Whenever I received a letter or an open confession, I replied with the same excuse, “sorry, I already have a girlfriend.”

In reality, the only girl who qualified as a “girl friend” was the girl I called “Sao-zi.” After spending time with us, she came to know us rather well. Occasionally, she would come and talk with me alone. The topics we talked about were things that she could never discuss with Li Weisen. We often talked about our future, well-known poets or authors, and a lot about Li Weisen as well.

She told me that she didn’t know which part she liked about him, but that she just liked him. Even though she enjoyed talking with me the best, she couldn’t develop any feelings for me. I smiled and replied, “love doesn’t really make sense. It’s the same for everybody.”

She said I was too mature for my age. Most boys developed slower than girls, and that included their heads. I smiled again and said, “maturity doesn’t depend on sex. Everybody’s situation is different.”

There were many common topics between the two of us; perhaps it was because we liked the same person. Our strange friendship soon drew rumors, but Li Weisen never asked me anything. I didn’t know whether it was because he trusted me or that he trusted her.

Even though the rumors were wild, he never asked, and I never brought it up. Xiao Chuan however, couldn’t stand it and came to persuade me. “I think you should at least explain it to him.”

I asked him how should I explain? If I said there was something, I was pleading guilty. If I said there wasn’t anything, then I was hiding something. If I didn’t say anything at all, then I could still be seen as innocent.

Xiao Chuan scratched his head and looked conflicted with himself. “Then I guess we can only leave it at that.”

The whole ordeal was a test to his friendship and his love. Fortunately, Li Weisen didn’t do anything that would trample on the pride of the three of us involved. Perhaps he had his suspicions, but he never voiced them out loud. With his personality, it was already amazing that he was able to resist from doing anything. It seemed like his relationship with her was resilient enough to withstand this type of trial. I always thought they would be able to walk down the path of life together, but in my naivety, I only took into consideration their feelings, but not their realities.

In our third year of high school, near New Year’s, our classmates thought of putting together a dance just for our class. Through our sincerity, we managed to convince our homeroom teacher. In the days afterwards, our whole class was busy looking for someone to bring to the dance.

Xiao Chuan didn’t lack partners. In fact, he was more than happy to introduce girls to teach me how to dance. Of course, I immediately refused him. Li Weisen’s girlfriend—also my good friend—was still busy studying. She was only able to free up her day on the day of the dance.

He didn’t want to look for another girl, but he also didn’t want to make a fool of himself during the dance, so he ended up annoying me instead. With a book he found from who knows where, he dragged me along to practice dancing with him. To convince me, he’d made threats and promises, with a little begging thrown in. He was completely unscrupulous in his attacks that I eventually surrendered. His pitiful expression softened my heart. Even though I knew it was all an act, I obediently played along.

As expected, the minute I agreed, he laughed gleefully. When school ended that day, he followed me home. His parents’ control over him at home was severe to the point of terrifying. They would never allow him to waste time on things they didn’t consider proper.

As someone skilled at sports, he also had some natural talent for dance; whereas I was nervous and clumsy, enough to make him bend over with laughter. With trashy dance music playing in the background, we walked back and forth across the floor, but I couldn’t get into the rhythm. Moreover, I had my eyes glued to the floor the entire time.

“To be honest, I didn’t expect this. You’re usually very smart, so why are you so awkward and dumb when it comes to dancing? Also, raise your head and look at me!”

The voice that sounded near me was very familiar. I could feel his breath on my ear, which made me a bit ticklish. However, what I felt more was dizziness and embarrassment from being in such a predicament. He had one of my hands clasped inside his and an arm around my rigid waist. I didn’t know what to do with the arm I had on his shoulder… In my dilemma, I didn’t hear him speak.

“What is going on with you!” he said impatiently as he tightened his arm around my waist. Our chests collided together somewhat painfully.

I immediately looked up and yelled in alarm, “ah! What are you doing?”

With only two inches between our eyes, he stared at me fiercely, locking me in place. “I told you to look up! Didn’t you hear me? You can’t dance like this!”

“Oh…”

“Don’t ‘oh’ me! Look at me and listen to the beat! One, two, three, four.”

He led me around in a circle, following the steps of the dance he’d already memorized. It was a simple, slow dance, but I’d spent an excessive amount of time learning it. The entire time we danced, I was worried that being so close together, he would hear my rapid breaths and my heart thumping loudly inside my chest.

For an entire week during lunch, sunset, and after self-study at night, we practiced several types of easy, slow dances. I finally became used to whirling around to the music with him. It was a terrifying thing to be used to, because I started to feel happiness, kindness, and even intimacy. However, I knew perfectly well that this type of happiness wouldn’t last.

I was afraid of the tacit understanding in our eyes, as if we were connected at an inseparable level. I was afraid of his smile as he mouthed the next step of the dance to me. I was afraid that he would reach out to tickle me and then laugh as he pushed the two of us down onto the bed, trapping me beneath him. All of these things made me imagine scenes, dirty scenes between us. The only way I could hide my reaction was to wear more layers of clothing.

The only thing I couldn’t hide was my face. The redder my face turned, the more he teased me. One day after we were both drained from wrestling around with each other, he laughed and said, “I didn’t expect you to be so innocent. I just teased you a little bit and you’ve turned this red. Back when we watched those movies together, I thought you’d already done the deed with someone.”

Panting, I said, “you don’t…know for sure…”

“What? Are you still trying to pretend?” He leapt at me like a predator and reached to pull down my pants. In fear, I punched him in the face.

While he was squirming around in pain, a voice louder than a bell tower came from outside my door. “What are you two doing inside there being so loud?”

It was my dad. I covered his mouth with my hands. Stifling my laughter, I yelled back, “nothing, we’re just goofing around.”

After my dad walked away, I let go of Li Weisen. He already had a purplish circle forming around his eye.

He whispered fiercely, “ah… Goddamn it, why’d you punch me so hard?”

“Haha! I knew you could take it.”

“Then let me punch you once too. Ah, it hurts.”

He cried out in pain a few more times and then dragged me up to practice again like nothing had happened.

I asked, “you’re not hurting anymore?”

“I have to practice even if it’s painful. There are only three days left. I don’t want to make a fool of myself in front of her. If this black eye doesn’t heal before then, I’m not going to forgive you.”

“Oh…” After hearing his reply, all the happiness I felt drained out of me. At the same time, I found myself truly unsightly and pitiful. Why was I disappointed? To begin with, he was putting in all this effort for the dance. What was I expecting?

“Why are you ‘oh-ing’ again? I was just joking. I’m not going to hit you. Idiot!”

“Nothing. Let’s continue.”

On December 31st at 6pm, we danced our last dance in my room. In the slow melody of the music, I saw the serious look on his face, and I felt happy and fulfilled. For the rest of my life, I think I would always remember this moment.

He hummed along with the song that he’d already memorized by heart. Brazenly, I leaned my head towards him. I could smell the scent of the 555 cigarettes that we both liked and a faint soapy scent. Mixed together, they became the person I liked: Li Weisen.

His chin drifted lower and lower until it rested completely on my shoulder. He moved his arms down and wrapped them around my waist. We weren’t dancing anymore, but slowly swaying together; our bodies flush against each other as if we were one.

“I’m going to dance like this later. There’s no teacher around anyways.”

I heard his mumble and suddenly understood what he was talking about. Gao Yu, what were you thinking? You idiot!

I moved to get out of his grasp, but he complained unhappily, “don’t move. Just let me rest for a while.”

His tone was willful, as if he were a spoiled child, but it was enough to stop me in my tracks. Instead, I calmed down and swayed along with him even though I knew how stupid I was acting. I would never win against him this entire lifetime. It was the truth he had unintentionally discovered; a destiny that I couldn’t run from.

At 7pm, the dance began. Many of my classmates came in pairs, while I sat in a corner and lit up a cigarette. The decorations in the dance hall were hastily made and rough, but the lights above were shining and beautiful. Underneath the lights, everyone appeared just a little more eye-catching that night.

He and she. They were dancing closely together like he’d wanted to, all the while chatting quietly. Xiao Chuan’s dance partner changed one after another; all the pretty girls seemed to be revolving around him. Everybody looked happy.

One cigarette after another, the smoke that surrounded me made the world look surreal. I could feel something stinging my eyes and then a warm trail down my face as a liquid made its way down.

I heard someone speaking next to me and I slowly turned to look at them. I didn’t know when Xiao Chuan had come to stand next to me, but he looked at me as if he’d seen the end of the world. He asked if I was crying.

Crying?

I didn’t feel anything, so how could I cry? Perhaps it was the smoke?

If I were crying, how could I smile while talking to Xiao Chuan? How could I smile while saying hello to the two of them? And how I could I smile as I left the dance and went to the theater by myself to watch a comedy, laughing until my stomach hurt, laughing until tears rolled down my cheeks?

It was a happy and joyful night. Other than a pair of tired eyes, I didn’t feel much of anything.

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