Chapter 6

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“Did you really give up?”

“Yup, I’ve thought through it. My past feelings are already gone.”

“Then this time…”

“I’m serious. I’m going to win her heart.”

The new semester came quickly, and our classroom moved up to the second floor. After some cajoling and switching around, Xiao Chuan became my desk-mate while Li Weisen sat behind us with a girl.

Our days were ordinary and mediocre: romantic flings with some studying thrown in. Xiao Chuan had another new girlfriend, but he was still the same pure boy at heart. They could only hug if they had showered, and they had to close their eyes while they were kissing. His “love” was the kind of love kids expressed toward a pretty toy they liked. There wasn’t any ulterior motive to his actions; even the kissing he referred to was merely the touching of their lips together.

“It was soft. She smelled great and it felt very nice.”

Half-jokingly, I asked, “So it wasn’t ‘wet?’”

He paused for a second before blushing and furrowing his brows. “No way! That’s dirty. There’s no way I would want that.”

Of course, only two people could see that side of him. In front of others, he was prone to exaggeration, making himself appear like the living incarnation of an incubus. Li Weisen and I had to struggle to not laugh out loud when we glanced at each other. What a clown!

Li Weisen was the same as always, fooling around with girls all day, making suggestive jokes. More than once, the teacher called on him and warned, “Li Weisen! Stop talking during class!”

He had a lot of grievances with all our teachers, in particular our young math teacher. One time, he became bored of the math lesson, so he put on earphones and started listening to music. Not long after, he started singing along with the lyrics. His voice was loud enough that he could be heard from outside the classroom. While our math teacher stood there speechless in shock, I quickly turned around and smacked Li Weisen on the head.

He looked up and shouted, “Why’d you hit me?”

The class was silent for three seconds before bursting into unanimous laughter. His finally processed what had happened and quickly pulled out his earphones. He then said in self-review, “I didn’t do it on purpose.”

The math teacher’s eyes glistened like he was about to cry. “You! You! You…I can’t teach anymore!”

He threw down his lesson plans and left the classroom, leaving all of us misbehaving students behind. Apparently, when he reported to the Guidance Director later that day, he had said, “I’m not teaching that class of kids anymore! I feel like all my brain cells are dying!”

After much persuasion from our homeroom teacher [1]—who had more experience than him—the math teacher returned to teaching us in the end. Unfortunately, he didn’t know that he’d gained a new nickname: “Dead Brain Cells.”

As for Li Weisen, because he already had a major demerit on his record, he was almost expelled. We were all worried about him. His dad gave him a serious beating when he learnt of the news. With a bruised nose and swollen cheeks, his dad dragged him to the principal’s office to apologize. After several more rounds of persistent pleading—pestering to be more accurate—by different family members, he was saved from expulsion.

After everything was over, he laughed at his own rotten luck. “I didn’t expect him to beat me that badly. If he weren’t my dad, I would show him!”

I told him that his dad did it for his own good. He then sighed and turned his head away. “…I know.”

After that fiasco, he started behaving better in class. His interest in everything dampened, but it didn’t take long for him to be in high spirits again. The reason was simple: he was interested in a girl from a different school.

She was the younger twin sister of one of our classmates. We’d seen her before. She was pretty but liked to dress in plain clothes. She didn’t speak much, unlike other girls her age who were prone to chattering like birds when they were together. Her grades were also good, and she treated others with politeness and a certain reservedness. In short, she was a great girl. It wasn’t strange that Li Weisen would be interested in her.

When he told us about her, I didn’t feel any jealously; or rather, I didn’t feel like I had the right to be jealous. I couldn’t help but recall the girl he’d foolishly pined after for two years before. No matter how much he loved her, love would fade, right? If that was reality, then did that mean I could do it as well? Could I pull myself away from these hopeless emotions, forget them, and then find someone else?

However, if that was reality, then what was “love?” A moment’s whim? A temporary worry? Perhaps.

Li Weisen had said, “It doesn’t matter what happens in the future, I’m serious about her now.”

Perhaps that was what it meant to love someone. My parents, they had certainly been serious about each other in the past; otherwise, I wouldn’t have been born. I didn’t know what moment in time had caused their love to change, but they had loved each other.

The only difference was that an unnatural love like mine didn’t give me enough privilege to reminisce about a past love. It was only capable of sinking me deeper into those hopeless emotions. “Abnormal,” that was a word that could summarize my current situation and my foreseeable future. One year, two years, ten years, twenty years… That wasn’t enough time to untie the knots in my heart. The moment I stepped onto this road meant I would be walking this path for life. For one, I didn’t wish to become “normal.” Rather than just temporarily “straying onto the wrong path,” my determination to continue down that path made me a pervert through and through.

I’d come to those realizations during that afternoon in the theater. I only craved the love and touch of someone of the same sex. Even though the man was a stranger, he gave me a momentary feeling of fulfillment. Love wasn’t involved, but it satisfied my most direct need. I could only be my true self in a small, dark corner. Nothing else could compare to that moment of freedom; even if it was a forbidden freedom, a freedom stolen from the normal world.

After much time and effort, he finally managed to catch that wonderful girl. I felt nothing but peace at the results. He was a friend I was determined to keep for life. The most appropriate thing for me to do was stand aside and tease him along with Xiao Chuan. “So beauties truly can fall in love with beasts!”

“So what if I’m a beast? What are you going to do about it? Are you jealous?”

“…Tch. You’re shameless.”

“Hahaha. With my charms, which girl wouldn’t fall at my pants leg?”

He might have cracked all the inappropriate jokes he liked, but anyone could see that he was serious about the girl. Whenever he gave her presents, he would spend an exorbitant amount of time selecting the gift. He even went as far as to handmake the small card that came along with the gift. He reasoned, “The ones you can buy on the street can be found anywhere. There’s no meaning to those.”

When winter came around again, the two of them were close enough that they were practically joined at the hip. He often brought her along to our gatherings. They would stare at each other as if they were alone in the world, impervious to outside interference. On the other hand, despite his many girlfriends, Xiao Chuan rarely brought them along when we hung out.

“Hmph. I’m not like some person, who would place love over friendship!”

Whenever Xiao Chuan brought up the issue, he would look over at the two lovebirds with “bitterness” in his eyes.

Li Weisen would react by pretending to not have heard him, or reply after a long while with a simple “That only means I’m loyal.” He would then turn to his girlfriend, and ask, “Right?”

His reserved and aloof girlfriend would look at him with a sideways smile. “You’re so cheesy.”

Our other friends weren’t too happy about a girl joining us. It made them feel too self-conscious. They couldn’t curse, couldn’t act crude, and had to control how much they smoked. They were afraid that she would be offended. However, they endured it all. What could they do? One of their bros loved that girl after all. We all started calling her “Sao-zi.” [2] At first, she was embarrassed by the nickname, but she soon stopped caring after hearing us repeat it so many times. As she was smart, she knew that we weren’t making fun of her; rather, it was a form of recognition and respect.

The night before our final exams, that temperature turned extremely cold. Afterwards, we welcomed the first snow of the year. Li Weisen became temporarily single as his girlfriend was busy studying for her exams. The night after the big snowstorm, the three of us took a walk along the riverbank.

The snow there was perfect and undisturbed. We were the only crazy ones who would come out for a stroll on a freezing and windy night.

Under the moonlight, the snow appeared silvery white and ethereally beautiful. While laughing and fooling around, we left many footprints on the white canvas. We pushed each other off the embankment, sliding down toward the thicket below. The snow cushioned us as we sled off with great speed. It was dangerous, yet thrilling and delightful, enough that we would endure the difficult climb up the steep embankment to do it all over again, shouting in joy all the while.

All our energy spent and covered with sweat, we finally collapsed onto the snow together. I tilted my head and gazed at the dark, blue sky above. To my surprise, I could see a few stars shining, which meant it was going to be clear skies tomorrow.

“How beautiful,” Xiao Chuan said, his voice airy as if shrouded by a fog.

I smiled and agreed, “You’re right, it is beautiful. Too bad it would all melt tomorrow.”

“Li Weisen, look at Gao Yu’s face. Between your girlfriend and him, who do you think is more beautiful?”

I finally understood what Xiao Chuan was talking about. I turned around and met their eyes; they were both staring straight at me.

Xiao Chuan then said, “In my opinion, if you were a girl, you would be the prettiest girl in our school. Your lips are perfectly shaped, and your eyes are big. Exactly like a lover who would only appear in dreams. What do you think?” He directed that last question at Li Weisen.

“You asked me two questions. Which one should I answer first?” Li Weisen put on a serious face and played along with Xiao Chuan.

I picked up a handful of snow and threw it at them. “Stop joking around!”

They laughed and jumped away from my attack, but it didn’t stop them from continuing.

“Answer the second question first.”

“I think you’re right. I had the same exact thought when I first saw him. How could a boy look like that? What a shame!”

“Then the first question.”

“That…that’s difficult to say. They are about the same. My girlfriend is the simple, yet elegant type. Gao Yu… Haha, he’s the pretty and seductive type! Look at his lips. They are so full, definitely made for kissing.”

“Go die!” I was livid. I got up from where I was lying and kicked at the snow underneath my feet, sending it up toward their clothes and faces.

“Haha, you’re ruthless. I’m dead!” To appease me, Xiao Chuan pretended to fall and stopped moving.

Li Weisen grabbed my feet instead and pulled me down. He then took the opportunity to drag himself on top of me. “Don’t move! You lose!”

“Let go! Let me go!” Feeling his breath on my face made me lose control, and I started struggling. His face was simply too close.

“What’s wrong? Why do you look so scary?” After battling each other for a minute, he let me go. “Forget it, let’s go home.”

He turned around and pulled Xiao Chuan up. “Are you done? He’s really mad.”

On the way home, I glanced at their faces, and deliberately tried to smile and talk to them. I was afraid that I had ruined something between us. Fortunately, it seemed like they were also eager to get into my good graces again. Soon after, the three of us returned to how we were before.

Translation Notes:

[1] In China, each grade is split into different classes of roughly the same number of students with a teacher in charge of each class, like a head teacher. I have been translating it as homeroom teacher, but they have more responsibilities than a homeroom teacher. They are responsible for the kids in their class and will be called upon if anything occurs. While moving up through the grades, each class will generally stay the same and the teacher in charge also moves along with the class.

[2] Sister-in-law. There are all sorts of relationship terms in Chinese, and oftentimes, these terms would be used instead of the person’s name to show respect.

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