Chapter 12

12

It's a frightening thing when someone approaches with special meaning. Words like precious and unique always come with responsibility and anxiety.

I didn't think I could bear that weight, especially not with Theodor Valentine.

He had every right to hate me justly, and it wouldn't be strange for him to kill me at any moment.

My family had destroyed what was precious to him. Even if it wasn't my fault, as long as the name Everett followed mine, I was shackled with a burden I couldn't shake off.

Therefore, it was entirely reasonable for Theodor Valentine to hate Lily Everett, and the opposite was impossible.

So my destination was despair.

The moment I realized that a feeling was growing inside me that couldn't be reciprocated and shouldn't be hoped for, I tried to avoid and deny it. I wanted to hide it deep in my heart.

But that feeling was like a time bomb. Some emotions are harder to hide than anger. I realized this only now.

“...”

I could hear Theodor's steady breathing as he closed his eyes. His long, black eyelashes glistened with tears, as if his cheek was resting in my hand.

I gave up on regaining my composure and acted on my feelings. I wanted to wipe away his tears, so I did, and I wanted to comfort him, so I held him.

I smoothed his fine, black hair and patted his broad back, which was much wider than my hand. I emptied my mind, feeling only the throb of my heart.

...If only this moment could last forever.

But moments always shatter. Nothing is eternal. As if mocking my foolish hope, that dreamlike time soon came to an end.

Theodor, who had been lying quietly in my arms, shuddered. I could feel his body stiffen, and he roughly pushed me away.

I almost fell backward with the chair but managed to get up. Staring blankly at Theodor, he took two steps back with a bewildered look.

His eyes were like those of someone who had just woken from a dream. No, more accurately, he had sobered up.

Confusion flickered in his fierce blue eyes, and then his face crumpled. I could read self-loathing in his reaction.

"What have I done..."

“...”

Muttering in a hoarse voice, Theodor rolled his eyes and bowed his head, wiping his face.

He couldn't calm down and paced the room, then stared at me with his face buried in his hands. His pale blue eyes, visible through his fingers, seemed to scold me.

I felt wronged by that gaze. I wanted to say, "It was you who came first," but the words rose to my throat and I couldn't bring myself to speak them.

“...You're crazy.”

Muttering softly, Theodor sighed and lowered his hands. Once the confusion cleared, his face was inevitably filled with deep sorrow. The same sorrow that had shaken and broken my heart in the garden at dawn and just now when he was drunk.

So my heart trembled again. Even though I knew it wasn't the time, now more than ever, uncontrollably...

Ah, I hate this.

It feels like I'm not myself. My heart beats as if it's not mine. I become infinitely weak, trembling helplessly at the slightest breath.

I knew this would happen. I knew that the emotion I tried to ignore would destroy me like this. Even though I knew despair lay at the end, I took a step, and even though I knew it was poison, I inhaled it. Now I...

...What will become of me?

If I can't ignore it anymore.

“I made a mistake.”

“...”

“It won’t happen again.”

He turned to leave. My body moved reflexively. Against my will, I held onto him.

Hope is always weak.

But humans rely on that weak light. Even knowing that the flame's extinction will deepen the despair, they can't let go of the lingering desire to live and be happy. So, I, this...

“Don’t... go.”

“...”

“Don’t go...”

In the end, I was seeking salvation. It was an impulse I would never have again in my life. If he held my hand, if he listened to my past and understood me, if he believed that I could be on his side—then I could finally change. I could live with all my heart, sincerely.

My body and heart, left to impulse, trembled. Unspoken words echoed inside me.

'I’m not even the illegitimate child of the Duke of Everett.'

I’m a man with no blood ties to those devils...

I never wished for your unhappiness. I wanted the Everetts to be punished. I hate them. I wish those devils who treated me like property and a tool would all die. You might understand me.

And I want to be the one who soothes your sorrow...

I wanted to tell him everything.

To the man who might be my salvation.

“Such things...”

My voice trembled. The hands gripping his sleeve were shaking.

“Such things, even if they happen, it’s okay...”

The words I managed to say were so inadequate.

I gripped his sleeve tightly. ...What expression am I making now? I need to say something that will make him understand me, but I was very anxious.

As I chose my words and opened my mouth, our eyes met suddenly.

His eyes were as cold as the north wind in winter.

“...”

At that moment, my thoughts lost direction. It felt as if all the blood drained from my body. I blinked my eyes and stared at him blankly.

As I stood frozen, gripping his sleeve, Theodor fiercely shook off my hand. The slight confusion in his eyes had already disappeared. A distrustful gaze was directed at me. ...He looks angry, and it's not just my imagination.

“Is this your tactic?”

“Huh...?”

“Something you’ve been perfecting before meeting me, I suppose. It’s a shame it doesn’t work.”

“What...”

“Don’t pretend. Wasn’t this what your father and brother told you to do?”

I couldn’t understand what he was saying at all. My mind was as if it had frozen. A ringing in my ears echoed. My legs felt weak, and I swayed. He clicked his tongue at me.

I barely managed to support myself and looked up at him, but all I got was a cold stare.

“Maybe because you grew up in that den of devils, you’re no different from them.”

Why... why is he saying this?

I, I just—

“Your father and brother told you to seduce me. That day in the garden of the Everett Castle, you were there to catch my eye, weren’t you?”

“...!”

At that moment, my face flushed with shame. The image of myself in a dress that exposed my shoulders and cleavage, adorned with peacock-like decorations and rose-colored fabric, clearly intended to draw attention...

“That was, at that time...”

“Why are you even trying to defend yourself? That was your goal from the start. Your father and brothers wanted to control my family, and you wanted to control my heart.”

“I’m not... I didn’t...!”

“...You think you can fool me. I know it’s an act.”

Theodor replied half a beat later. Only then did I realize I was sobbing and clinging to his clothes.

My chest felt tight and ached. The tears streaming down my face felt like a lie. He was misunderstanding me. But why, why did I end up being misunderstood? I couldn’t think of anything.

What did I do wrong? Did I do something that could be misunderstood? What was the problem? The questions without answers raced through my mind. Half-crazed, I opened my mouth. I had to tell him it wasn’t true. But Theodor was faster.

“Tell me, how does it feel to seduce a man you don’t like?”

His eyes were filled with anger, and his lips with contempt. He glared at me with a face full of intense distrust. I instantly lost my confidence. I didn’t think he would believe me. My voice, which had been about to speak, came out as a whisper.

“I... I’m not trying to seduce you. I never did.”

“...That’s not convincing at all.”

He took a step closer to me. His gaze, looking down at me from close up, became as fierce as a starving predator.

Unconsciously, I took a step back, and he firmly grabbed me. The strong grip on my shoulders hurt, and I couldn’t help but gasp.

As I looked up at him with tears in my eyes, he gritted his teeth. His fierce expression, full of hatred, showed no trace of sympathy.

Only then did I clearly understand how he saw me.

“I’ll do as you wish, Miss Everett.”

He cupped my chin with his large hand. Even as he leaned in to kiss me, his face was filled with a terrible sense of being humiliated. With a face full of hostility towards me, he pressed his lips to mine.

“...!”

I flinched and closed my eyes tightly as he held me tightly. Tears streamed down my cheeks.