Chapter 12

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Warning: NSFW

“Look, I’m begging you. Don’t touch me anymore.”

“Are you regretting it? You don’t want to play anymore?”

“That’s right.”

“Hmm. Okay, I accept. We’ll just be friends in the future.”

“Thanks.”

I didn’t step out of the house for two entire days. The events of that night left me with shameful side effects: fever, dizziness, diarrhea, and some residual bleeding. I spent a long time in the bathroom cleaning myself up. My bedsheets were soiled beyond imagination and impossible to clean, so I threw them away. The duvet cover met the same ending, as I had somehow dirtied it during the night as well.

I was too tired and lazy to make anything from the groceries inside the fridge. When I felt hungry, I would order takeout instead. I would eat until I was full and then go back to sleep, that way, I didn’t have to think about anything. By the third day, both my body and my mind had almost returned to normal; a bunch of invitations from friends to go out had also arrived. I put on a set of new clothes and practiced my smile in front of the mirror. After leaving the house, I even took the time to get a new haircut.

When I showed up at the restaurant all neat and bright, they’d already finished ordering. Seeing me at the door, they cheered, “wow, look at you. Did something good happen? You look very dashing!”

Most of my friends came in pairs; only a few were still single like me. Xiao Chuan had saved me a spot next to him, and the one sitting in the chair over was Li Weisen. Of course, both their girlfriends were sitting next to them. Known for her delicate features, Li Weisen’s girlfriend was the prettiest girl in our class during high school. She hadn’t changed much since then, still appearing like a peaceful and innocent lady. Apparently, she had started working right after graduating from high school.

I joked and said that I was a “lightbulb on both sides [1] .” The two of them punched me in the arm at the same time and our other friends laughed as well. For a moment, I felt as if we had returned to our high school selves. Thinking about it, it was the first time after graduation that we had all gathered in one place, only a few were missing.

I tried a bit of every dish and had my fill of alcohol. I didn’t hold back on the cigarettes either. I was still smoking the 555 cigarettes I had always loved. Surprisingly, I noticed that Li Weisen’s tastes had changed. How come I hadn’t noticed last time?

I asked him what brand of cigarettes he liked to smoke now, and he gave me a forced smile. “I don’t have any money, so whatever I can get my hands on.”

Xiao Chuan never developed a habit for smoking, so he wasn’t interested in the conversation at all. He instead pulled me into a game of “Two Little Bees [2] .” I kept losing to him even after a few games, so I told him to play with his girlfriend instead.

However, she shook her head and said, “give me a break! You guys look so stupid playing that game.”

Li Weisen offered himself up and took my spot instead. He and Xiao Chuan looked ridiculous as they goofed around, putting on a show and making everyone laugh. The only person who resisted from laughing was me. After they had their fill, I took my chance and told a few hilarious jokes and sent the room into another laughing fit.

While holding his stomach and gasping for breaths, Xiao Chuan asked, “how do you—resist from—laughing yourself?”

“I don’t think about anything, that’s how I resist.”

“That’s awesome! I’m going to learn that trick and tell those jokes to my classmates!”

By the time we were halfway through the drinks, it was already nighttime. Li Weisen had to take his girlfriend home, so we let him go first. The people left behind continued drinking. Xiao Chuan was determined to be the last one standing. His girlfriend didn’t say anything in protest, but she discreetly gave me a look. I immediately understood her intent. Without Xiao Chuan noticing, I turned away some of the drinks people were trying to pour down his throat. Judging by how happy he was, letting him do as he pleased was certainly going to end in disaster.

Fortunately, Xiao Chuan was still within his limits by the time it was for us to leave. He hailed a cab and happily left for home with his girlfriend. I had my share of drinks, but I wasn’t drunk for some reason. After saying goodbye to my other friends, I was still sober and clearheaded enough to call a cab myself. Other than a headache, the alcohol didn’t do anything else. Half-lying on the seat in the cab, I found the whole thing ironic. Reality certainly thought itself humorous. I couldn’t believe there would be a time when I couldn’t get drunk even though I wanted to.

When I returned to the courtyard of my complex, the area in front of my door was pitch black. That darn lightbulb was out again. I searched through my pants for my lighter but couldn’t find it no matter which pocket I looked. I might have left it back at the restaurant.

Out of options, I continued feeling for my keys in my pockets. Just when I had snagged a finger on the metal keyring, someone hugged me from behind and covered my mouth with their hand. I struggled and tried to break their hold with all the power available to me, but it was no use.

“Don’t move. It’s me.”

Upon hearing the familiar voice, I stopped moving. He also released his hand. After calming myself down, I yelled at him, “what are you doing? I thought I was getting mugged!”

“Haha, I was just playing around. Don’t be mad.

When I heard the word “playing” come out of his mouth, I was forced to remember all that had happened. In front of everyone else, I had to act normal and be in control, but when we were alone, I didn’t want anything to do with him. The man in front of me had a girlfriend…he even had boyfriends.

“Why don’t you leave? I had too much to drink so I don’t want to talk to anyone.”

While speaking, I reached into my pocket to look for my keys again, but his hand followed mine in there.

“You had too much to drink? Then let me get your keys and help you open the door.”

In the dark, his hand reached past mine and rubbed recklessly against my thighs. If it had been before, my face would certainly turn red with embarrassment. Now however, I felt as if I were being made fun of and a deep sorrow rose in my heart. My body seemed to be broken. I didn’t feel any physical reaction to his touch. I was truly abnormal. Wasn’t he supposed to be the person I liked?

“Take your hand out, Li Weisen.”

“What is wrong with you? I even waited here for you. Really now.”

My indifferent voice seemed to have dulled his interest, as he removed his accursed hand like I had asked. I pulled out my keys and lined the right one up with the keyhole, finally opening that damned door.

I took a step inside and to my surprise, he pushed his way in after me. He shut the door behind him and turned on the light. He then took off his coat and sat on the couch. His series of quick movements made him a blur to my eyes. Not only that…while I wasn’t paying attention, he had also pulled me onto the couch. His hands immediately got down to the reason why he was here.

“You! Stop! You bastard!” After I realized what he was doing, I slapped him on the face. I didn’t use too much force, but the sound of my palm hitting his skin cracked through the room, leaving a clear print on his face.

Holding a hand to his face, he glared at me for a few long minutes. I felt as if I should at least say “I’m sorry” to him, but before I could open my mouth, he grasped the collar of my shirt and said, “all right, you dare to hit me? I’m not letting you sleep tonight.”

What happened next were crude words and vulgar movements. I would rather suffer through a beating than be under his control. A raging headache and a mess of emotions meant that I only put up a half-hearted attempt at struggling. He didn’t use too much force before getting what he wanted.

Repeatedly, he told me “you’re so sexy” next to my ear while doing what he wanted with my body. After a while, I gave up on resisting. I had a strange thought in my mind: I should let him do as he pleased this one time. It was my way of reminiscing and putting an end to the past few years, the years in which I had loved him with all my heart.

Because of that, I kept my eyes open and looked at him the whole time. Even though what he was doing right now was giving me pain, even though I wasn’t completely healed down there, I opened myself up and accepted his invasion. He had properly lubricated himself this time, but I was still pushed to the point of tears. The whole time, the words “the end” kept on flashing inside my mind. I knew I was acting like a girl, but I couldn’t help myself.

When he noticed my tears, he seemed to be scared. He asked, “does it hurt a lot?”

“It hurts. It hurts too much… Can you…do it while holding me?”

“Of course.”

He leaned down and pressed against my chest. I reached out with both arms and hugged him. My tears slowly slid their way down into the corner of my mouth. It was salty. For the first time in my life, I knew what tears tasted like.

“The sight of you crying… Really, it’s very sexy. I can’t stand it at all. If you were a girl, it would the end of me,” he said in a rough voice while licking my tears away. The rhythm of his movements became abnormally fast. The deep, throbbing pain made me tighten my arms around his back.

Tears and pain must be catalysts for sexual desire, as I could hear his ragged breathing become louder and louder. He lost his rhythm and after a few violent thrusts, he collapsed onto me with a groan. His sweat-soaked skin shone with a slightly red sheen that gradually spread throughout his body. The place where we were connected was still trembling even after a long while. He had reached a complete orgasm. According to him, it was the most intense orgasm he’d ever had in his life.

Perhaps drained from reaching an intense and pleasurable climax, he was motionless on the bed. By the time I was able to move, he had already fallen asleep. With an awkward position, I pulled over a blanket and draped it over him. I crouched next to the couch and stared at him. A crazy thought suddenly appeared inside my mind: I should kill him.

If I killed him, I wouldn’t need to be in pain. Everything would disappear cleanly without a trace. Just a bullet and I could end this life here and now. It was probably better than living.

But the thought only stayed in my mind for a split second. I forced an ugly smile and cursed at myself, “you’re going crazy.” In a clumsy and unsightly manner, I dragged myself to the bathroom to shower.

The next day, he woke up on the couch. I had a calm talk with him afterwards. Hearing my steady and resolute voice, he laughed coldly and agreed. In the light of the day, he didn’t look a bit like the scoundrel he was last night. His pride must have kicked in to save him from further disgrace.

It was the best ending for both of us. We were able to detach ourselves with our pride intact.

My feelings for him were a complete farce. It was laughable and tragic. If we got involved any deeper with each other, I would never be able to treat him as a friend. There needed to be some distance between the two of us, especially in front of Xiao Chuan.

As for those empty, dark nights, I saved those for myself. They were unrelated to anyone else. I was heartless, to the person who gave birth to me, and to myself.

Translation Notes:

[1] In Chinese, “lightbulb” is used to refer to someone being a third wheel.

[2] A game in which two people sit face to face and chant “two little bees, flying toward flowers, fly” while moving their arms around to mimic a bee. At the word “fly,” it turns into a game of rock paper scissors. Whoever wins pretends to slap the loser while saying “pia pia” and the loser pretends to be slapped while saying “ah ah.” If it’s a tie, they have to pretend to kiss. If someone gets the movements wrong, they have to take a drink.

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