Chapter 13

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“Ah, he left. The next time we’ll see him is probably when he gets discharged.”

“…Hmm.”

“What’s wrong? Why do you look so terrible?”

“…Nothing, lend me your shoulder for a bit.”

“Oh.”

“…I’m so tired.”

In just around ten days, Li Weisen and his girlfriend’s relationship had developed at an unprecedented rate. Every time we got together to eat; I would discover that they were closer than last time. They would clasp hands together under the table or make amorous glances at each other while whispering. Her smile was always innocent and pure, as if she lived in a dreamlike world. Whenever she appeared, she would carry a bright, red rose in her hands. The deep color of the petals complemented her beautiful face, as if they were made for each other. Ever since before, Li Weisen had been good at using tricks like that to earn the attention and favor of beautiful girls.

More than once, he would compliment her in front of us with a beaming smile on his face. “My girlfriend’s the most beautiful one here, isn’t she?”

Sitting next to him, I would smile and nod along with our other friends. Only, I didn’t dare look over at her happy face. Her appearance was captivating, but I prayed inside my heart, “I hope he’s serious for you.”

As a hypocrite, did I have the right to judge their relationship? Even more so, I didn’t have the right to pity them and pretend to be noble and magnanimous. Out of the three of us, I was the lowly failure. I couldn’t be the destroyer of their relationship, so I chose to be his accomplice instead. Together, we deceived the girl who was completely ignorant of everything else. But perhaps…only a love living within a lie could give someone hope and happiness.

I still treated him as a friend, but we could never return to our high school selves. The illusion I saw when all our friends had gathered at the restaurant was simply that, an illusion. Nothing had changed about the way we talked or interacted with each other; however, all that remained between us was the gentle surface we showed everyone else. Inside, we were separated by mountains and rivers.

I thought about how I would forget him, but it was an impossible task. All my memories of when I had loved him were still intact, every second and every minute. Unless I could develop “selective memory loss” like some main character in a novel, it was impossible. It was a happiness that needed to be fabricated, but I didn’t have time to wait for the right sort of accident to happen.

Because of that, I needed to quash my dreams. I needed to see the hateful and disgusting side of him with clear eyes, so that I could kill my feelings and let them fade into indifference. I needed to wake up from the core-shaking pain and laugh at the foolishness of my youth. My favorite character from all the books I had read before was “Ah Fei [1] .” I wanted to have an epiphany like he did and question myself: why did you ever fall in love with that sort of person?

That wish turned into the ultimate ending I was chasing after. In theory, it was thoroughly achievable. In practice, I was carrying it out very well. I would remember how he had treated me and how he had lied to his girlfriend. I repeated the moments of those two nights in my mind. Every time I went over the details, I could feel myself suffocating. Through my analysis, I knew that what he felt for me was simply physical desire. Rather than kisses, what he gave me were violent bites. He invaded my body ruthlessly and forcefully, never showing any sympathy. Other than “sexy,” he wasn’t capable of saying anything else. And after spending all his energy, he would simply pass out and sleep the night away… Where was the affection and respect in his actions? I was simply a useful tool to him. That was it. That was the truth of it all… Even when he gave up on me, there wasn’t anything special to his expression. There was disdain, apathy, and carelessness, as if he were throwing away a toy that wouldn’t listen to him.

He wasn’t the Li Weisen that I liked. He had the same face as him, but he had already become someone entirely different. What was there that I couldn’t set down and leave behind? What reason did I have to still feel attached to him? I asked myself those questions many times. I still remembered when we danced together in the sunset. His arms were around my waist, and we moved slowly in a room shrouded by twilight. As the melody drifted through the air, I could hear his heartbeat. In that moment, I felt a happiness that I thought would last my entire life.

He had changed, but many of his habits had remained the same. His catchphrases, his favorite colors, his favorite snacks, and the way he fidgeted… Why couldn’t they have all changed as well? Why couldn’t he have changed into a complete stranger? If there were the case, I would turn back and treat him like a stranger. I would be even crueler than the way he had treated me. I would’ve even raped him until I was tired of his body. I had a bit of a violent streak inside me, especially towards men with great bodies. I had discovered this trait of mine back in high school, but I no longer felt guilty about it.

My feelings were cumbersome. They prevented me from acting on my true desires. In front of him, I didn’t dare take the lead. I was afraid my true self would make him hate me and be disgusted with me. I had always forced myself to accept everything from him because I liked him. But he had turned my feelings into a single word: cheap.

The cheapest thing I could do was eavesdrop on him and his girlfriend, but I did it anyways. It was when everybody had gathered at Xiao Chuan’s house.

That day, Xiao Chuan’s family had left to take care of some business, so our plan was to spend the whole day at his house. We were all sitting in the living room playing games, but Li Weisen and his girlfriend ducked into Xiao Chuan’s bedroom instead. It was obvious what they were doing. Using the bathroom as an excuse, I stood outside the door and listened to them.

I could hear him sweet-talking through the cracks in the doorframe. The girl was shy and said she didn’t want to, but they continued going at it anyways. I knew better than anyone the face he was making right now. He only knew two phrases and repeated them over and over: “you’re so sexy,” and “I can’t take it anymore.” He had said the exact same phrases to me as well. He was the same clumsy fool. I bit down on my lip hard enough to draw blood. At the same time, I wanted to laugh.

A few minutes later, he must have gone overboard, as the girl broke into tears. After an annoyed sigh, he started consoling her. At that, I understood another reason for why he had come to “play” with me—he was still stuck on second base with his girlfriend.

Was it cruel? Laughable? Or tragic? I was a replacement. On one hand, I was replacing his girlfriend. On the other, I was making up for the disappointment he had over his past boyfriend’s appearance. Was I fortunate or unfortunate to have been born with such a face? If not for this face, perhaps he would never touch me.

He told a few jokes and the girl laughed. Quietly, I stepped away from the door.

When I returned to the living room, Xiao Chuan asked, “so did you hear anything you weren’t supposed to?”

“Haha, of course. But it’s not suitable for children’s ears, so why don’t you step aside?”

“You’re making fun of me again! I’m not letting it slide this time!”

When Li Weisen left for the military again, all of us went to see him off. Leaning outside the train window, he made out with his girlfriend. She bawled her eyes out, her makeup running down her face. It seemed like she really liked him, and to a great extent at that.

We stood some distances away, not wanting to interrupt their romantic goodbye. It wasn’t until half of my cigarette had burned away before they finally finished their kiss and let each other go. It was probably around four minutes total.

Xiao Chuan was looking at his watch and keeping track. While counting the minutes, he said in disbelief, “my god. I think they broke a record.”

I asked, “what’s your record?”

He looked at me and suddenly turned red. I immediately realized that I had made a mistake. His record…was probably that time with me. To save the conversation, I quickly steered it in a different direction. I talked about many useless things, and finally, his face returned to normal. We then left the train station together.

A few days later, I was drinking by myself at home when Xiao Chuan came looking for me. When he noticed the large pile of beer cans and cigarette butts on the floor, he said in shock, “Gao Yu, are you okay? What are you doing being depressed all alone?”

My brain felt heavy, but I smiled and pulled him over. “I’m quite happy today. Bro, come and sit down so that we can have a good talk.”

“You don’t look all that happy to me.”

“Stop nagging. There’s nothing wrong with me.”

That day, we talked for a long time. I don’t recall what we had talked about exactly, but Xiao Chuan kept looking at my face the entire time. He even held his hand up to my forehead to test my temperature. I told him I wasn’t sick, but he said that I should watch my health and gave me a bunch of other advice. It annoyed me enough that I started cursing at him with real intent.

It was the first time that I had cursed and yelled at him for real. Hurt by my words, Xiao Chuan lowered his head and didn’t respond. When I pulled him up, I could see that his eyes were wet with tears. I instantly regretted it. Even though I wasn’t great at comforting others, I used all that I had to amend my wrongdoing. Fortunately, Xiao Chuan was easy to placate and happily went back to talking with me.

That day, I truly felt guilty. I shouldn’t have directed my anger at Xiao Chuan. He had always treated me with great kindness. Even the kiss that one night was gentle to the point that I couldn’t refuse. Even though I had started yelling at him for no reason, he didn’t seem to have taken it to heart at all. It made me feel like a wretched fool. Xiao Chuan was a friend who deserved to be cherished, and I planned to do so for the rest of my life.

During our talk, the topic naturally drifted onto Li Weisen. Xiao Chuan hadn’t wanted him to leave, but I was silent on the subject. Seeing my unresponsive self, Xiao Chuan was nervous again.

Even though I had pushed back his excessive concern, I was suddenly touched by the kindness he’d shown me. Unwittingly, I wanted to show him my weak side. I leaned against his shoulder and quietly said how I really felt at that moment—I was tired.

Xiao Chuan was very quiet. He didn’t make a single sound. His hand traveled through my hair and came to rest on my back. I relaxed my body and leaned into him. I could hear his breaths, not too fast and not too slow. I could also feel the warmth of his body, not too high and not too low.

That afternoon, we drifted off to sleep leaning against each other. When we woke up, it was already seven o’clock.

Smiling, we stood up together. Xiao Chuan insisted on making dinner for me, but the dishes he brought in front of me were a tragic sight to behold and the flavors were also incomparably strange. Frowning the whole time, I ended up finishing them, but I didn’t forget to comment, “Xiao Chuan, if you were a girl, whoever takes you as his wife would be doomed to a short life!”

For some reason, Xiao Chuan flushed red again. “In any case…it won’t be you!”

After the new year, Xiao Chuan and his girlfriend went back to school. I was the only one there to see them off, as he hadn’t told the others the exact day he was leaving.

In front of his girlfriend, he looked at me as if he had something to say but was hesitating. There were some unclear emotions in his eyes. Of course, the only thing I told him was study hard and treat his girlfriend well. I then turned around and said to her, “if he doesn’t listen to you, then just tighten your reins. Don’t let him go outside and make trouble!”

Xiao Chuan protested loudly when he heard my words. He didn’t stop even when the train had started moving. “Gao Yu! You went overboard. I’m not a child!”

Not a child? Ha, he had grown older in age and appearance, as for everything else…they were stuck back at our high school era. It was a wonderful period in our lives, so I was happy yet melancholic. Other than a friend for life, Xiao Chuan was someone I wanted to protect. I didn’t want to taint or ruin his purity. In a sappy way, I thought I did love him, but it was a simple and warm love, a love without any struggle, without any gloominess, and completely unrelated to sexual desire.

Translation Notes:

[1] A character from the wuxia novel Sentimental Swordsman, Ruthless Sword written by Gu Long. He had a lover named Lin Xianer, who was an antagonist in the story. She consistently lied and betrayed him throughout the story. Eventually, Ah Fei woke up from his infatuation and gave up on her.

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