Chapter 14

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“I want you to learn faster, so that you can go to an internet café instead.”

“What do you mean by that? Are you afraid I’ll break your computer?”

“I’m going to be starting my job soon. I’ll be quite busy from now on, so I won’t have time to teach you in the future.”

“You… Fine, I’m leaving! You can go back to being busy!”

In May of 1996, my dad remarried. It was a happy occasion for our family, the only one out of these past few years. Before the wedding, my dad sat down and discussed it with me for a long time.

Other than complete support, I didn’t have any other opinions. The main thing we talked about was the living situation for us as a family. My stepmother had a house of her own and wanted to live with my dad by themselves. I could hear a tinge of guilt to my dad’s voice when he mentioned this. He said they shouldn’t have left me alone for two years, and now… Naturally, I told him that I was already used to my life and that it would create unneeded trouble for them if we were to live together. My dad was moved by my “maturity,” but I was a bit embarrassed by his reaction. Making things more convenient for them was only one reason. The other reason was my own selfishness: I wanted to keep my freedom by living alone.

I had many things hidden inside my room that I didn’t want anyone—especially my dad—to find. I had pictures of good-looking men, some homoerotic novels and movies, and the various things I had written myself stashed all over the place. If my dad accidentally came across one of those, how would I explain this “odd” hobby of mine?

I would rather just see my dad occasionally. It wouldn’t damage our relationship as father and son. He would always be my dad; it was an unbreakable blood relation that had nothing to do with the physical distance between us. Not to mention, we still lived in the same city.

As for having children and carrying on the family line, that was outside of my abilities. Because of that, I truly hoped that my stepmother could give him another son. My dad was only in his forties, and she was just a little bit over thirty. She also wanted to give me a younger brother, right? Even though that hope was borne out of a despicable and selfish wish, it was something we all hoped for. On the day of their wedding, I congratulated them in a quiet voice and said that I hoped they would “give birth to a son soon [1].” My stepmother blushed, but she smiled. My dad was thoroughly embarrassed, but I could see that he was happy about my blessing.

Perhaps it was due to the festivities lifting my mood, but my insomnia had gotten better during those days. Focusing on my studies was an old method that I used to pull myself together. I resorted to it again to resist against my depression, but…it was about as successful as throwing a cup of water onto a burning cart of firewood [2].

I still smiled whenever I talked to Li Weisen on the phone. He was the same as ever, but there wasn’t anything ambiguous about our relationship anymore, as if those things had never happened.

We were only estranged on the inside, on the outside, we maintained our laughter and jokes. Perhaps he had already succeeded in going back to treating me as a “friend.” In the end, he simply didn’t care enough. It was easy for him to pick up something new, and just as easy for him to put something down. On the surface, I seemed to have forgotten everything. To his eyes, I was probably the exact same as him. It was simply a small game between friends that went a little overboard. After the game was over, my worries should have vanished into thin air like his.

There wasn’t any longing in my voice anymore at the end of every phone call. A simple “I’m hanging up” was enough for me. Afterwards however, I would stare off into space. Both my eyes and my head were empty. There wasn’t a single thought running through my mind, but I could sit there for hours.

Liking someone was my own business. I never kept anyone from leaving my side. I only knew how to give up, but not how to fight over something. I believed that reality wouldn’t change because of something I did. Pride was useless, but it was the most important thing I had. Under its wings, I could pretend to be perfectly indifferent.

I was twisted to the extremes. I had been this way five years ago, I was this way now, and I would be this way in the future. I was incapable of acting like I was deeply in love or wallowing in despair like an abandoned wife. I was even more incapable of having a meltdown and making a scene over not getting my way. All that would result out of an outburst like that would be the pity and disdain you would see in a lousy melodrama. I couldn’t stand something like that.

As a result, I was the sort of annoyance that was easy to manage. Whether it was my mom or Li Weisen, they were saved from the explanation and persuasion that others needed. All they had to do was turn around and shrug me aside. My indifference and dull response to their abandonment also made “a guilty conscience” unnecessary. I was the heartless one, why did they need to worry about anything?

I was strange, not only because of my sexual orientation, but also because of the peculiar and antisocial thoughts I had. I was clearheaded enough to know that I was complaining about sentimental nonsense that I had conjured up myself. It would be best that my dad never saw this dark side of my personality. Xiao Chuan as well. I would end up hurting not only myself, but also them—the people who truly cared about me.

Other than the fact that I couldn’t give my dad a grandson, I would do my best to be a good son. Other than staying within my boundaries and not attempting anything, I would be the truest friend to Xiao Chuan. As for Li Weisen, we would still be friends for life. I could do that much at least, and I would do it extremely well, even if it were for the sake of keeping up appearances.

After his new marriage, my dad bought me a present I had been wanting for a long time: a computer. With its arrival, I gained a close partner in life. At that time, computers with the new 586 processer [3] were still very expensive, but my dad didn’t hesitate at all. I knew he was afraid I would be lonely. Truthfully, I did need a computer, but I couldn’t say the real reason why out loud—I needed to access the internet at home in order to find a place to divulge my secret. I could play around with computers at school, but I didn’t dare search for anything taboo. The most I did was listen to music and read the news.

Back then, the cost of internet was quite high each month. I didn’t want to spend too much of my dad’s money, so I used the shortest amount of time possible to acquaint myself with terms such as “gay,” “tong-zhi [4],” and “homo.” I didn’t chat much with the others like me. I was afraid of getting close to that small community. I didn’t want to lose myself and abandon all my restraints. I knew that once I got started, there was no stopping myself.

A few of my friends online wanted to meet me offline, but I never agreed to their requests. I told them I was old and ugly and only 160 cm in height. That by itself was off-putting enough to make them retreat. Ha, the gay community was actually very realistic. They were most interested in looks and height, and whether that thing down there was big enough. Speech, demeanor, manners, and inner qualities all took the back burner. Wanting to have it all was an easy way to make yourself the butt of criticism.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to make love to someone else, but only that I felt it was unfair to myself. Without an emotional connection, I couldn’t be the “0” in the relationship [5], but it would be unreasonable for me to be on top all the time. I couldn’t say for sure when the violent streak inside me would kick in. It would be a disaster when it did….so I simply gave up. To me, sleeping with a stranger wasn’t guaranteed to be more comfortable than doing it myself.

Xiao Chuan now had another way of contacting me: email. He had always been fascinated with anything new and interesting. Every time he emailed me, he would write long paragraphs describing the funny things he’d seen and heard to make me laugh. His writing was vivid and memorable, I could feel his enthusiasm coming off the page. I made sure to reply to every email. As a result, we called each other less and less.

When Li Weisen called, he would complain about the line being busy all the time. I explained that it was because of the dial-up internet. He was immediately interested and asked me what it was. I told him it was too complicated to explain over the phone and he annoyed me into agreeing to teach him after he was discharged from the military.

“Hehe, I’ll come find you right after I come back. Don’t run away!”

The next time I saw him was when I was about to start my job. As a student from a mediocre school majoring in a specialized field, I interned at a local news agency that was also mediocre. I shadowed a veteran reporter who supposedly had a lot of experience and did odd jobs all day long. I resigned myself to my fate as errand boy, yet it became the one thing he greatly appreciated about me.

He promised, “I’ll talk with the boss. I think you’re great. Why don’t you just stay here and work?”

I didn’t care much. With that job, I wouldn’t be able to stuff myself full of delicacies every day, but I wouldn’t starve either. It saved me the trouble of running around and pulling connections to find a job. I didn’t have any wild ambitions with my future career. I was fine with anything. As long as I did my job to the best of my abilities, then I was deserving of my salary.

The first person Li Weisen saw after he was discharged did turn out to be me in the end. He had just gotten off the train and there wasn’t anyone at his house. His girlfriend had gone to pick him up, but they had somehow missed each other. The station was close to my house, so he rushed over here immediately afterwards. Coincidentally, I had just returned home as well.

He stood outside my door holding a big bag, still dressed in the uniform he hadn’t had the chance to change. His hair was still cut short, and his skin had gotten even darker. He seemed to be weary from his trip.

I walked up to him and said three simple words, “you came back?”

He replied with a single word, “yeah.”

Our reunion had none of the shock and wonder that I’d imagined from not seeing each other for so long. I also didn’t give him the harmless smile I’d always prepared for these instances before. Expressionlessly and silently, I held the door open for him.

When he walked through the door, he went straight for the couch and stretched out his limbs.

“I’ve been sitting wide awake on that train this whole time. I couldn’t sleep for some reason, and now I’m exhausted.”

“Then go to sleep.” I stood aside, a little far from him. He had none of his usual cheer and enthusiasm, so I didn’t feel the need to pretend to be cheerful as well.

“But I’m very hungry. Do you have anything to eat here?” He must have been starving as he was staring at me with anxious and eager eyes. If it were before, I would have laughed at his expression and teased him about it, but now I wasn’t—and never would be—in the mood for that.

“Wait here a bit.” After I started living alone, I mostly ate at the school cafeteria or made food myself. Of course, my cooking couldn’t be described as amazing. There were only two things I was good at: fried rice and noodles. Often, I would add a wide variety of things to them: chicken, diced pork, and plenty of vegetables. I didn’t add them simply to improve the taste, the main reason was so that I only had to wash one bowl afterwards.

In just a few bites, he finished the bowl of fried rice I had made him. After he was done, he didn’t forget to praise me, as if he hadn’t had enough.

“That was delicious, your cooking’s pretty good!”

“That’s because you’re hungry,” I said plainly. Suddenly, I realized that I was the same as that bowl of fried rice to him. When he was hungry, I was delectable. When he was full, I was nothing. Same with his taste in cigarettes, he smoked whatever he could get as he didn’t have any money, but I was the sort of person who would rather quit smoking if I couldn’t afford my favorite brand.

After cleaning up the table, I told him to sleep a little. But after filling his stomach, his energy came back. He insisted on taking a look at my computer.

I turned it on and taught him the basics. I spoke very fast, and soon he couldn’t keep up anymore.

“Gao Yu, why are you in such a hurry? The days are still long!”

I was afraid of that. “The days are still long,” but I wanted to spend as little time with him alone as I could. It was fine when we were together with our other friends but having to deal with him alone was tiring. I wasn’t at the point where I could treat him like thin air.

Simply put, I didn’t want to hate him, I only wanted to stop loving him. That would be my true salvation. If he kept on appearing in front of me and spending time alone with me, then there might be a day when I would come to hate him or be fooled by him again and sink deeper into this hell.

I was afraid I would soften my heart towards him. I was even more afraid that I would soften my heart towards myself before all those illusions about love had fully faded.

In a stiff voice, I made an excuse. He turned his head and grabbed the big bag he’d brought with him and left without looking back. He slammed the door behind him, shaking the sturdy frame and sending a loud crack through the air.

I was left behind, still expressionless. With the “Windows 95” logo in front of me, I stared out into space once again.

Translation Notes:

[1] Common blessing given to newlyweds.

[2] Idiom meaning “an utterly ineffective method.”

[3] China refers to the initial Pentium processors as 586 processers. With the old Intel naming scheme, the Pentium processors would’ve been known as the 80586 series. However, the trademark was denied, and they became known as Pentium processors in the US instead.

[4] 同志 (tong zhi), Chinese slang term for gay individuals. Used in a different context, the term can also mean “comrade.”

[5] The Chinese gay community uses the numbers “0” and “1” to refer to tops and bottoms. As for which is which, I’ll leave that to your imagination. Hint: it has to do with the shape of those numbers.

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