Chapter 16

Parsed with an automated reader. The content accuracy is not guranteed.

Warning: NSFW & Violence

“Are you okay? I went overboard. Don’t be angry.”

“I’m gay.”

“…What?”

After that night, I went through another introspection and thought back on the painful experience. I reached the same conclusion as I did before: I needed to avoid him.

After my head cleared, I was able to analyze the situation logically. There were only a few reasons why he continued to look for me: one, he thought I was looking down on him and mocking him with my words, so he rather hated me and wanted to take “revenge.” Two, he didn’t like the fact that I’d been ignoring him so he wanted to prove that he could still “conquer” me. Three, his girlfriend was too conservative, and he couldn’t get ahold of his boyfriend, so he couldn’t satisfy his sexual urges. Four, he was having trouble finding a job, so he wanted to prove that he was still “capable” in one area. Five… Was there a need for me to list any more reasons?

He wasn’t gay at all. Even though he’d done practically everything to qualify, he was bisexual at most. I couldn’t continue wasting time in this persistent relationship in which he was as sticky as a piece of gum stuck to my shoe. The only way I would concede is if I were the only one for him; otherwise, I’d simply give up. I couldn’t stand pretending to be a palace maid in the past waiting around for the emperor to sleep with them. I didn’t want to hold out my lonely heart, wait for him to take it as he pleased, and then say a reverent “thank you for your kindness, your imperial majesty” at the end.

From what I’d seen, an emotional confession was wasted on him and utterly unnecessary. I could only accept two endings: either we start dating and he becomes mine inside and out, or we pretend to be close friends on the outside with no interactions other than talking. It wasn’t realistic for me to cut off all relations with him. We’d been friends for so many years already, I wasn’t cruel enough to completely break things off. Moreover, I wouldn’t be able to explain to Xiao Chuan and the others. In any case, I still held great hope for having an “epiphany” like Ah Fei; it was the highest realm of revelation that I longed for day and night.

As such, I started giving him the cold shoulder again. I was determined to never be with him alone. There had to be a third person around before I would put on the act of being a good friend. Even when Xiao Chuan went to the restroom, I would tag along to avoid giving him the opportunity of crushing my resolution. As a result, he glared at me more often. I knew what he was thinking inside; either cursing me out by calling me a psychopath or feeling wronged by my actions. Frankly, he hadn’t done anything wrong to me. Sometimes, I even felt sorry for him to be involved with a damned homosexual like me. I loved him to death, yet I kept on acting cold and indifferent. To be honest, I could simply close my eyes, lie in his arms, and not think about anything, completing this mindless infatuation of mine.

To avoid him, I switched my phone to one with caller ID and my door to one with a peephole. He’d come over a couple times after that, but every time I was “not home.” Even an idiot would be able to tell that I was doing it on purpose. One time, he stood outside my door cursing at me. It went like this, “Gao Yu, you psychopath! I know you’re inside! Come the fuck out! What have I done to you! Bastard! Motherfucker! #*%xx…”

I stood on the other side of the door and listened to him quietly. A bitter smile appeared on my face as I listened. I admit I was a coward, but I couldn’t do anything about that. I was afraid of seeing that innocent expression of his. If I opened the door and he drew me in with another one of his routine sweet talks, wouldn’t I fall head over heels for him again?

Of course, it wasn’t a given that he was after sex every time he came looking for me, but I wanted to avoid giving him the chance. Whenever his spirits rose and he wanted to play a round, I would have to spend a hundred-times more effort reflecting over my actions and extracting myself from my emotions. My past experiences on this had already beaten me down too much.

It was difficult to go back to normal after having slept with each other. Putting him aside for the moment, I wasn’t even sure I was capable of pretending everything was normal. “We’ll be friends the next time we see each other.” That only worked if there wasn’t a bed or a couch around. With his sloppy self-control, we also needed a public place with an audience to act as the last barrier to ensure that nothing happens.

When Xiao Chuan came over, he looked at my new door with a puzzled expression. “Why did you get a new door? Wasn’t the old one still good?”

“It broke, so I bought a sturdier one. I don’t want anyone breaking it down after all.”

“Haha, who would be bored enough to do something like that?”

I returned to my room and went back to rest on my bed. With nothing to do, Xiao Chuan opened my computer and started playing one of the preinstalled games. We chatted off and on, and Xiao Chuan gradually directed the conversation toward Li Weisen.

“Gao Yu, that guy has been pretty hot-tempered these days, have you noticed?”

“Is he having trouble finding a job?”

“Maybe. Though I heard that his parents had pulled some connections, so it’ll be settled soon.”

“That’s good. Where is he going to work?”

“A state enterprise. He said something about auto parts marketing. Apparently, you can make a lot of money doing that.”

“It suits him. He gets to make business trips and pocket a big paycheck. He’s always been good at talking anyways.”

“Then why isn’t he satisfied? He has a cloudy expression every time I see him. Maybe he had a fight with his girlfriend?”

“I don’t know. Just spend more time with him.”

“I have to work as well. Oh well, we’ll go see him whenever we have time.”

“…Okay.”

After Xiao Chuan tired of playing the game, he started listening to music instead. He moused over the folders I had in my computer and clicked through them. When he clicked into the folder that I had labeled as “Special Collection,” I suddenly remembered the “good stuff” I had stored in there. In the few seconds after that, I could feel every pore on my body sweating profusely. I quickly made Xiao Chuan exit out of the folder.

With a face of curiosity, he asked, “what do you have in there? Is it a secret?”

I laughed drily and said, “no…it’s a novel I’ve been working on. It’s a mess right now. I’ll let you read it after I’m done!”

“Oh, then I’ll wait until you’re done. Do your best!” Xiao Chuan didn’t have any doubts at all. He then switched on the dial up internet and opened the web browser. What was I going to about the “special websites” I had stored in my favorites bar?

“Xiao Chuan! Can you see if the kettle is done boiling?” I finally remembered that I had a pot of water on the stove. Startled by my sharp squawk, Xiao Chuan jumped up and ran to the kitchen. I immediately took the chance and hid all traces of the “evidence” on my computer. When he came back, he brought a steaming bowl of noodles with him. I’d already wiped the sweat off my face and was back to normal. I smiled at him and said, “thanks!”

Heaven knows what face Xiao Chuan would make after seeing all the stuff I had hid. They were things I used to satisfy my sexual urges. One could imagine the graphic and violent scenes they contained. I’d also written similar short stories and posted them on the internet before. The more I wrote, the more vulgar my words became. It was exhilarating, a method for me to vent my feelings. Perhaps I was only real in those moments. The version of me who had made love to Li Weisen was nothing more than an illusion left behind from my younger days.

Due to Xiao Chuan’s concern for Li Weisen, we ended up spending Christmas together with a group of friends at my house.

When Li Weisen came, his girlfriend wasn’t next to him. I became anxious the minute I saw that he was alone, but fortunately, he acted normal for the entire day. The number of times he glared at me also dropped as well.

During dinner, I urged him to control his drinking so that he could still be sober when he left. In front of everyone else, he retorted, “Gao Yu, since when did you become my wife?”

What could I say to that? Out of self-protection, I made sure I only had a few drinks so that I wouldn’t make a mistake I would regret later on. Li Weisen downed several more glasses of baijiu and then two cans of beer. He then went to take a nap on the couch before we’d even finished dinner.

After drinking and eating our fill, we played cards for a few hours. When it finally came time for them to go home, I asked each of them to see who could take Li Weisen home, but they managed to worm their way out with a reason or two. My last hope was Xiao Chuan, but he wasn’t even able to step out the door unless his girlfriend was supporting him from the side. Looking at the fellow sleeping on the couch, I decided to wake him up and go from there.

Shaking his shoulder, I asked, “do you want me to call her to pick you up or get a taxi for you?”

He slowly opened his eyes and looked at me. He didn’t speak, but his eyes were clear. I immediately knew that he was pretending to be drunk. In a fit of anger, I turned around and went to my room. I heard him say behind me, “I miss you.”

I paused for a second, my head suddenly dizzy, but I pushed down the desire to turn around and continued walking. He then said, “can we just sit down and have a good talk? I promise I won’t do anything.”

I knew I couldn’t trust anything he said, so I replied coldly, “you said the same thing before, and look what happened?”

“Are you going to hold a grudge forever? Can you just talk with me for a bit?”

He was trying to sneakily change the topic. I knew that, yet I felt as if my feet had grown roots. I allowed him to come close to me and wrap his arms around my waist. He rested his chin on my shoulder and rubbed it against me. It reminded me of the cat I had when I was a kid. Once again, I had fallen into his trap.

“Okay, we’ll talk, but you step away first,” I forced myself to say with great effort. I then shook him aside and sat on the couch.

He wanted to sit next to me, but I pushed him into the seat opposite of me. “Sit there. You’re not allowed to come any closer… What did you want to talk about?”

“…Why are you avoiding me? Tell me the truth.”

“There’s no reason. I simply don’t have any time.”

“You don’t open the door even when you’re home. I heard you walking inside.”

“I… Are you sure you heard right?”

“When Xiao Chuan had called you, I was standing next to him. But when I looked for you later, there was no response.”

“…I don’t want to do that kind of thing with you. It’s as simple as that.”

“What kind of thing?” He asked forcefully, standing up from his seat. “You never said no in the beginning, and now you’re playing aloof? I don’t have the right to play with you anymore? My great reporter?”

Faced with his anger, I cursed my muddle-headedness. Why didn’t I just reject him harshly from the beginning? I stared at him like I was looking at a stranger. I then gave him an indifferent smile and tried to turn him away. “Are you done? You can leave now.”

“…I’ll take that as a yes. Then I’m not going to hold back anymore!”

He slapped me across the face, the force of it sending me back into the couch. I sat up quickly and swung my arm to slap him back, but he jumped on me and started pulling at my sweater. Taking advantage of the moment when my head was stuck inside my sweater, he punched me hard on the stomach. I doubled over in pain trying to catch my breath, almost passing out.

When I finally regained my senses, he’d already pull me under him and flipped me around so that I was lying on my stomach. He twisted my arms around my back and secured them there with a knee. He then pulled my pants down in one smooth motion. My lower body was completely exposed to the frigid air, and I shivered due to the discomfort. I yelled, “let go of me! You bastard!”

“I’m not as much of a bastard as you!” He took the spare moment to reply. He then caught a fistful of my hair and rammed my head against the edge of the couch. A splitting pain started from my forehead and spread. Dizzy, I chose to keep my mouth shut.

He entered me directly without any preparation, no foreplay or lubrication. Gritting my teeth, I allowed him to ram his way inside me. Even though my eyes were shut, I could feel tears leaking out. It only took him four or five minutes to come, but it felt like an eternity to me. What he did…it was rape, plain rape. To him though, he probably saw it as a way of displaying his power and conquering someone.

When he rolled off me completely satisfied, my tears had already dried. In a calm voice, I said, “get lost.”

He pulled me up, half supporting me in his arms. His somewhat gentle movements couldn’t hide the fact that he was pleased with himself. I felt my heart turn to ash, and finally divulged the secret that I’d been hiding within the deepest confines of myself. It took him a moment to react to what I’d said.

He asked, “…what?”

“I said I’m a ho-mo-sex-ual! Are you leaving or not?” I brushed aside the hand he still had on my lips and repeated the truth that I didn’t want anybody to know.

“Then you… You mean, about the two of us… You were serious?” he said disjointedly, staring at me with complete shock in his eyes.

I didn’t speak, but merely stared right back at him. For a moment, all we did was stare at each other in complete silence. Then suddenly, he jumped up and ran, the fly of his pants still down.

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