Chapter 17

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“It’s you?”

“Yes, it’s me. What? You don’t want to let me in?”

“Haha, what do you mean?”

“I’m exhausted. I just came back from a business trip.”

“Come in then.”

I was only able to take Christmas off, so I had to go back to work the next day. When my colleagues saw my face, they started mumbling among themselves. The only one who asked me about it was the reporter—who counted as my master in the craft—I’d shadowed during my internship. I said it wasn’t anything major. I’d simply being mugged, but I didn’t lose anything other than a few hundred yuan.

He patted me on the shoulder and advised me in a sincere tone, “Money is merely a worldly possession, your personal wellbeing is more important. Don’t try to fight with those people, understand?”

I nodded and voiced my support. I was doing my best to maintain a perfect posture, but I could feel both of my legs shaking. The physical injuries I sustained on my body were negligible, but my head was still dizzy. It seemed like I had gotten a cold. I didn’t go home during lunch, but instead laid my head on my desk and rested for a while. The afternoon was idle, and I managed to hold out until the end of the day. When I stood up to leave however, I felt as if the world was spinning on me and I was walking on clouds, but I slowly made my way out the front door of the agency.

I hailed a taxi home, but I felt an urge to throw up the entire ride. The driver thought I had car sickness and asked if I wanted him to stop for a moment. I told him to drive as fast as he could instead. When I got off at home, I felt like a complete mess, as if somebody had been cleaving mountains and parting oceans in my body. Luckily, Xiao Chuan had come to find me. He quickly paid the taxi driver and supported me home.

He lifted a hand to my forehead to test my temperature and his expression changed. Despite my complaints, he immediately dragged me to the hospital. Once we were there, they tested my temperature again. My fever wasn’t too high, it was only 39.8°C [1], but Xiao Chuan made a show of being serious and forced me to get an IV infusion. While the IV was dripping, he continued to nag me about what had happened, so I gave him the excuse I’d given everybody else.

“Mugged? Then why do you have a cold?” For once, Xiao Chuan was meticulous and picked up on the dubious parts in my excuse.

“I…I couldn’t accept it, so I was looking for him for half the night. If I find him, I’m going beat him into a pulp!”

“Tch, was it worth it? Look at the state you’re in!”

“It’s not that bad…”

“What do you mean ‘it’s not that bad!’ If I hadn’t dragged you here to the hospital, do you know what would’ve happened?”

Xiao Chuan’s theatrical expression warmed my heart. I smiled and said, “ Then…you’re my savior?”

“Haha, that’s too much for me. You should take better care of yourself. My god…” Xiao Chuan started nagging me again about my habits. Without any other choice, I sat there quietly and listened to him talk.

Xiao Chuan gave me the complete service package. After they gave me another shot of something, he took me home from the hospital. When he heard that I hadn’t eaten anything the entire day, he made something light in the kitchen and even attempted to feed me himself. He was treating me like a child, and it made me a bit embarrassed.

He then said, “If you don’t think it’s good, then I won’t force you to eat it.”

Of course…it wouldn’t be good, but I went ahead and tried some of his “amazing” cooking again. After I was finished, he looked at me with a childlike expression and asked if he’d improved.

I nodded as if I were crushing garlic in a mortar. “It’s great! Great! Why aren’t you eating as well?”

The night went by fast in our laughter and chatter. Xiao Chuan made it clear that I had to finish all the medicine we brought back from the hospital. Still apprehensive, he said before leaving, “I’m going to come and inspect after I get off work tomorrow!”

I immediately refused his offer, but he’d already left, so I didn’t know if he heard me or not. Only a sliver of warmth remained in the now quiet room. I was feeling better than before, and finally mulled over the situation that I hadn’t had the time to think about yet.

Things should have ended completely between us this time. I had scared Li Weisen so much that he’d practically ran off. It was as I’d thought. He wasn’t gay at all, that was probably why he was so shocked. I’d predicted the kind of expression he would have, so it wasn’t too surprising when I actually saw it. Compared to the gentle face he often showed me, I would rather him see me as a deviant. Being hated by him was better than living out this tangled relationship. It was my last resort. If I couldn’t be a human, then I would live as a demon. I gave myself a complete execution with no chance of resurrection. It wasn’t simply for him; the main reason was because I didn’t want to tolerate him anymore and allow him to do as he pleased, like the proverb “spare the rod and spoil the child.” I’d used all the excuses I could think of, and I still couldn’t cut him off. I played at being pure and confident; I tried to isolate myself, and all that resulted in the end was violence. Any bystander would laugh at me. They would laugh at the utter fool I’d been. Not to mention, when he ran off, he didn’t even turn around to look back at me.

That moment, I felt my heart turn to ash. Even if I had to carry the memories of our past for my entire life, I would never regret the decision I’d made that night. Rather, I felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I’d been living a tired life. Of course, it had nothing to do with him, I was simply making trouble for myself. But perhaps, he’d been hurt by my actions as well. Thinking back on all the things he’d done, I was certain he cared for me in some way, but I had never treated him as just a friend. If we could return to the time before we played that “game” of his, maybe I could stay by his side until the end of our lives and not say anything. But I couldn’t change the past and I couldn’t pretend to have no desires anymore. The ugliness inside me was pouring out and being exposed to the world, so much that I couldn’t even stand myself. But I allowed myself a smidgeon more ugliness: I gave up on all the things I couldn’t do and left them to him.

At that moment, I only had one thought running through my mind: I had to end it no matter what method I used. “Having an epiphany” was the realm of revelation I desired, but I was an ordinary person belonging to a mundane world. It pained me to admit that I was moved by the gentleness he’d shown me after the violence he’d committed. I was a hopeless case, what could I even do?

I was ordinary, but I was greedy. Before he’d turned around and left, I still held onto the delusion that maybe…he would say that he didn’t care. Then I would hope that he would say he loved me. After that, I would hope that he would break up with his girlfriend and leave everything behind. He would then only have me by his side, and only me for the rest of his life… But he turned around, and I was glad that he didn’t fulfill my delusion. I was glad that he didn’t notice the yearning in my eyes; and I was glad he wouldn’t have the chance to witness the hysteria and madness of my future.

For Xiao Chuan and my dad, I showed them my normal side because they cared about me. For my mom, I’d told myself countless times that it was because I didn’t want her anymore. For Li Weisen, I resorted to my old tricks. I’d enmeshed myself in a trap of my own. I was simply reaping what I sowed. An abnormal person like me deserved to be tormented; otherwise, I’d spend all my energy hurting others.

The past few years were a lesson from the heavens. I accepted it calmly and smiled as the curtains finally closed on the stage. I’d simply had enough, of him and of myself. My so-called pride had shattered to smithereens last night. It would take years for me to nurture it back in its first form, the conceit I had as a child. It was a difficult task, and he would be the worst person to encourage me. Luckily, reality had forced him to give up that role.

After pondering over many things, I’d made progress in my self-reflection. I opened my computer and started browsing the internet, leaving comments as I went. The symptoms of my cold had mostly gone away, but my butt was starting to hurt instead. I shifted so that I was only sitting on half of my butt and continued flirting with people online.

It wasn’t long before a stranger asked me: What do you say to a one-night stand? I’m young and handsome. I graduated from a sports school and my phone number is xxxxxxx.

I replied: I’m a 1, not a 0. If you’re still interested, then please contact me.

There was no reply after that.

I spent New Years with my dad. After eating out, we all went shopping together. My dad walked next to my stepmom with a happy expression, and I simply tagged along as the reluctant child. Not long after, we bumped into Li Weisen. What a coincidence. Out of everyone, we just had to bump into him.

He was accompanying his girlfriend while she was buying a new bag. When he noticed me, he attempted a fake smile. I responded with the same smile, and we brushed past each other. It was easy and natural, with not even the slightest hint of awkwardness between us. My dad asked if I still hung out with him, and I replied that we were still the same, still good friends.

In the next few months, I only saw him two or three times. Xiao Chuan said that he’d started going on business trips soon after he’d started working and wasn’t home most of the time. That set my mind at ease, and I was satisfied with the current situation. My insomnia was getting better, and I no longer felt anything when I remembered the nights we’d spent together.

Early summer that year, I felt as if I’d finally set everything down. I had been suspicious of the proverb “times heals all wounds,” but after experiencing it personally, I had to sing my praises to the person who first reached that conclusion. Busy with work, I barely had any time to spare for my own emotions. The news agency I worked at expanded the printing space we had but didn’t bother to hire anyone new; we were doing more work with the same twenty people. I was willing to do any job. The government didn’t pay our salaries, but we could get bonuses if we pulled in sponsors. It didn’t matter if I needed that money or not, the only important thing was that it took up a substantial amount of my time. Pulling in sponsors was rather like marketing. It wasn’t good if you were too glib-tongued; the sponsors I had pulled in were done through politeness and credibility. Unlike others, I didn’t think that associating with businessmen dyed things with the stink of money. The biggest positives about them were their punctuality and their high efficiency, which made them a lot more pleasing to deal with than the crafty old foxes back at work. After doing a few jobs like that, I decided to switch completely to the business department and started doing business marketing with the three other youngsters in the department. They asked why I was doing business when I had gone to school for journalism, I told them I was simply following the trend: putting my degree to multiple uses.

When June came around, the temperature raised sharply. I was doing quite well in my new position, and with my boss’ permission, I didn’t have to work every day. I wasted time away playing Age of Empires and Heroes of Might and Magic. In my spare time, I would write pieces that tickled my fancy. I was living the life, and Xiao Chuan was envious. He said that he had to dress up and report to work every day. Once he reached the office, he would spend the day doing odd jobs for his superior. As someone who’d experienced all of that already, I said in mock guidance, “Comrade Xiao Chuan, the heavens only place responsibility onto people who are prepared… Moreover, I did plenty of odd jobs when I first started!”

One day, I was close to clearing a stage on a game I was playing, but someone kept on ringing my doorbell. The game couldn’t be paused, so I was a frantic mess trying to decide what to do. In the end, I went to open the door. Looking through the peephole, I saw someone I hadn’t seen in a long time: Li Weisen.

At that time, I was very confident in myself. I opened the door without any hesitation and the light that flooded out illuminated the exhaustion on his face. I stared blankly at him for a few seconds before I started talking with him calmly.

He responded in a calm manner as well, as if he’d completely forgotten what I’d said the last time we talked to each other. He took off his shoes and came inside. He headed straight for my room and lay down on my small bed.

“This feels great. I’m so tired.”

He repeated how tired he was a few more times and I finally studied his face—his hair had grown longer and stubble was forming on his chin, he looked somewhat unkempt.

“Oh, why does your pillow smell so good? Did a girl come over?” he asked lazily, sniffing my pillow as he did.

“No…I just…washed my hair today.” I sat down back at my computer and continued my game, replying to him off and on.

“I want to sleep for a bit. Is that okay?”

“Okay, I’ll…wake you up later.”

“I want you…to keep me company. Is that okay?”

Shocked, I turned my head to look at him. He smiled drily and said, “Don’t worry, even if you’re up for it, I don’t have the energy to do anything.”

“Then what are you trying to do?” I was suspicious and closely examined his face for any telling sign.

“You don’t believe me? Ah, forget it, I can’t even keep my eyes open.” He shifted back down and set his head on the pillow that was still a little wet from my hair. “I’ll save you a spot.”

He slept almost flush to the wall, managing to leave half of the tiny bed open. I continued playing my game. When I felt my eyelids shutting on me, I finally went to sleep on the bed. I didn’t know if I were going crazy or not.

When I was almost asleep, I felt him reach across my back and hug me around my waist. He didn’t touch anywhere he wasn’t supposed to, but his hug was tight. It was stifling hot, so I tried pushing him back, but he didn’t move. Some way or another, I ended up falling asleep as well.

I woke up in the middle of the night and saw the moonlight come through the window and light up his curled-up figure. The bed was tiny, trying to fit two grown men in it was impossible. I pulled at his hands, intending to sleep in another room, but his mumble stopped me.

“En…don’t move…”

His sleeping face still appeared tired, but satisfied, with a hint of an innocent smile. He must have been…having a good dream.

Translation Notes:

[1] 103.64°F for all the Americans. Despite what Gao Yu says, he actually has a very high fever. Anything over 38°C (100.4°F) is considered a fever and you enter dangerous levels once past 40°C (104°F).

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