Chapter 5

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Warning: NSFW

“Are you still in school?”

“Yeah.”

“You… You’re around the same age as my son. I’m sorry.”

“…It’s all right.”

“Then… Can you tell me your name?”

“…I have to go home now. Goodbye.”

No matter how difficult, I always thought I could keep my feelings pure; but in the end, I couldn’t resist the inherent animalistic desire within me.

When the weeks before summer break came around, the temperature became hotter by the day. Everybody took off the layers and dressed lighter and lighter, but that didn’t prevent the sweat from pouring down our bodies. The desire that I had buried deep down inside was also awakening. Despite my best attempts to avoid contact, it was inevitable that our skin would brush against each other. Even just staring at his thick, black hair and eyes, I would feel an unexplainable excitement. To add to the torture, we simply spent too much time together.

The hardest part was enduring the weekly PE classes. I didn’t have the same courtesy that was offered to girls. After performing the strenuous exercises in class, Xiao Chuan and he would always be stuck to my side one way or another. His sweat-soaked t-shirt couldn’t block the heat emanating from his body. The feel of his smooth skin and his scent as he spoke made me lightheaded, and a wave of heat would rise from my lower abdomen. That type of dangerous situation meant I had to make excuses to walk away more than once in order to avoid embarrassing myself. While alone, I would try every method in my arsenal to calm down.

However, desire was something that only burned brighter the more I suppressed it. It was to the point that I dreamed of doing things with someone of my own sex. The only words to describe my actions in those dreams were “vulgar” and “obscene.” I did all the positions I had seen before in porn. Except, it was a boy in my arms instead of a girl. Even before I discovered my feelings for Li Weisen, I knew how two men had sex. It was thanks to an erotic novel I had come across. I had felt disgusted when I came to the passage that described the act, but now I was shameless. It might have been disgusting, it might have been filthy, but I didn’t feel any of it. I simply did whatever I wanted in my dreams. Luckily, my guilt was lessened by the fact that I couldn’t see the face of the person I was embracing.

The first thing I did after waking up wasn’t brushing my teeth anymore; instead, I woke to sticky and wet underwear. I would quickly slip them off and scrub them under the faucet, cursing at myself the entire time. However, when night came around, my dreams repeated themselves.

Eventually, my dad noticed my strange behavior, but he didn’t chastise me for it. Rather, he said, “This is normal. You don’t need to be afraid or feel awkward.” I could only pretend with a pure and innocent expression while listening to his explanation. If he truly knew what was going on with his son, he might have died from a heart attack right then and there.

The only good thing that came out of those dreams was that it became easier for me to face him. The fatigue from the night before combined with my self-control allowed me to survive until summer break.

The temperature in July was blistering hot. I stayed home to listen to music, practice calligraphy, and write poetry. I had bouts of insomnia, but I drowned myself in cigarettes and masturbation. The occasional cigarette had turned into a habit as I smoked more and more. Finally, it developed into full-blown addiction. I knew it was terrible for my health, but I sank deeper into the depths of its grasp. It was uncannily similar to the process I had gone through with my strange emotions.

My room was dark. Even in bright daylight, I had my curtains pulled shut. I didn’t care how low I had fallen; it was my personal business. My previous thoughts on my situation were simply lies I had invented to placate myself. What right did I have to talk about “purity?” The emotion I carried was sin itself. The best I could do was ensure I never overstepped my boundaries. I didn’t want to contaminate him with my filth, but it was beyond me. The obscene thoughts that had been running through my head during this one month was enough proof to sentence me to an “execution.” And who else would serve as a better executioner but him?

I still spent time with them occasionally. We talked, drank beer, and played games together. Everything was progressing in a natural manner. However, I often felt as if I were observing everything from an outsider’s point of view. Other than his face, that young boy with the stupid smile on his face didn’t bear any resemblance to me.

I participated in every activity they came up with, but swimming was out of the question. Even if I were dragged to the swimming pool, I would never step foot inside the water. My excuse was simple, “I don’t know how to swim.”

The two of them eagerly offered to teach me, but I rejected them. I said, “I’ve been afraid of the water ever since I was born. When I’m panicking, I will drag whoever’s next to me down to the bottom.”

Even if I didn’t participate in the actual swimming, the experience was torture for me. The sight of them dressed in swimming trunks was a deadly weapon. Their lanky bodies indicated they were still in the middle of puberty, but that didn’t distract from the sensuality of their frames. Long limbs, slim waists, and smooth tan skin, every inch I looked at threatened to send me into the throes of heatstroke. The moment when he leapt out of the pool was especially fatal. His wet hair curled softly around his neck, and the water that dripped down from the ends traced the lines of his body into a dangerous territory. The utter enticement of the scene made me close my eyes in frustration.

After that day, I never stepped foot into a swimming pool again no matter how much they threatened or bribed me. I was afraid that I would make a fool of myself in public.

Occasionally, I would go to the movie theater by myself. I would stay there the entire day enjoying the peace and quiet, my only companions a few cats. The theater played a series of similar movies on a loop, but they always had the air conditioner on, which made it a perfect environment for catching up on the sleep I’d missed the night before. I took some of the best naps in that theater. I would sleep until it was time for closing, and by the time I went home, dinner was ready.

July 20th was my birthday. My dad went to work early like always. I knew that he would never remember days like these. That year however, I received a letter without a return address written on the envelope. There was a small card inside. It read: I’m sorry, Xiao Yu. Happy birthday.

She always remembered. Every year before and even now, she remembered. However, I couldn’t imagine what kind of expression she made when she had mailed the card to me. I locked everything inside the drawer in my desk. I didn’t want my dad to see and start wondering.

After lazing around the house for two hours, I made myself something to eat and left. The only place I could go to was the movie theater where I could bask in the air conditioner.

Like usual, there was barely anyone inside the theater. I picked a random corner and drifted off to sleep in the middle of a movie.

It was supposed to be a dreamless sleep, but then it was suddenly dyed with the colors of desire. I felt as if there were a hand moving across my chest. It felt real enough that I could feel the temperature of the person behind it. The hand moved slowly and gently down my body. When it reached into my pants, I finally woke up.

There was a man sitting in the seat next to me. I couldn’t see his face due to the lighting, but his movements stopped when I woke up. I studied him in surprise. The light of the movie screen illuminated the complex emotions in his eyes: self-deprecation, terror, a hint of pleading, and a strong sense of lust mixed in. He was sitting close enough that I could feel the tremors coming from his body. His hand was still inside my pants, and I was reacting to his touch.

I had a few questions I wanted to ask, but I couldn’t say the words. After hesitating for a moment, I closed my eyes altogether.

He dragged me even closer into his arms and started moving his hand again. His fingers were strong, and his movements were skilled. I bit down on my lower lip to prevent myself from making any sound. My head was beginning to fog and grow heavy. He grabbed my hand and guided it to the same place between his legs.

I could feel actual heat, length, and a hardness underneath my fingers. Everything was happening for real. I was in an intimate position doing such a thing with a stranger, yet I was thrilled. At that moment, I didn’t know if I considered myself fortunate or tragic.

His breaths turned hot and urgent like mine. The thick scent of tobacco on his body was familiar and relaxing. With desire rushing through my body, I realized that I wasn’t alone at that moment in time. For some reason, my thoughts wandered back to that book I had read. We all wore masks on our faces while living out an illusion in the real world. The only place that truly belonged to me was the darkness in this corner.

With a quiet sigh that was only audible to the two of us, I came in his hands. It splattered onto our clothes, but I didn’t have the energy to care about those small details. My mind was floating in a place high above. It drifted down slowly, until it finally landed in his embrace.

Not long after, he came in my hand as well with a long, stifled breath. Together, we sat still in our seats as we waited for desire to leave our bodies.

Right before the movie ended, he kissed my cheek. It was a warm and soft kiss, combined with the prickly sensation of stubble. It was enough to make me cry, but instead I sat there in silence.

After leaving the theater, I finally saw his appearance. He was around 40 years old with a nice, but average face. He was also dressed very well.

When he saw my face, his expression changed. He had probably guessed my age wrong when we were in the theater. He followed me for a small distance before making an effort to talk. His voice was deep and mature; it was very easy on the ears.

I didn’t regret what we did, but I had no interest in learning more about him. I turned around to leave after our short exchange. He then said, “You’re very beautiful. Really.”

It wasn’t the first time I had heard someone describe me as beautiful, but my steps faltered for a second. I had heard other guys call me similar things, but they had said it in a mocking manner. It was different this time. He was looking at me like how I looked at him. If that person could look at me this way, how happy would I be? I knew it was a foolish dream that would never happen, but why couldn’t I resist thinking about it?

I went home and ate dinner. My dad decided to sleep early and went to bed not long afterwards. I didn’t have anything to do, but I stayed up until midnight. Suddenly, I heard a loud knock on the door. For a second, I thought it was the man I had met at the theater. The shouting that occurred soon after made me relax. Xiao Chuan was shouting my name nonstop; it was like he wanted everybody to know he was here. What an irritating fellow!

When I opened the door, a cake was pushed in front of me; behind it were the smiling faces of my friends.

“Haha, did you think we forgot? We aren’t that heartless!”

“Come on. Let’s go and eat something!”

I restrained myself from becoming too emotional and smiled. “What about the cake?”

“We’ll take it with us! We’ll let everyone know that it’s Gao Yu’s birthday!”

“Come on. Let’s go.”

Cake and barbeque, along with a sea of beer. We were at a street-side food stall until two in the morning. All of us were dirtied beyond imagination from the whipped cream we threw at each other. Being the birthday boy, everybody tried to drown me in beer. I was completely wasted, utterly defeated by their attacks. Luckily, Xiao Chuan prevented me from drinking too much; otherwise, I would’ve thrown up right then and there. I didn’t even know how I stood up at the end and where I went to sleep for the night. Understandably, I was shocked by the first person I saw when I woke up with a splitting headache.

I was sleeping…on Xiao Chuan’s bed. To my left was him, and to my right was Xiao Chuan. I was sandwiched in the middle with no room to breathe. That wasn’t even the main problem; I was worried that I had said or done something unforgivable last night.

The moment I moved; he woke up as well. Bleary-eyed, he said something that almost scared my headache away: “You…you almost tormented me to death last night.”

I immediately sat up and looked at him. “What did I do?”

“After we came back, you threw up several times. That guy over there was also out like a dead pig. Do you know how heavy you are? I was exhausted.”

Thank god… Recovering from my shock, I got off the bed and asked if he wanted breakfast.

“Of course I do. You must repay me for all the time and effort I spent last night. Go and buy breakfast right now! I even had to help you shower in the middle of the night. I would say I did my duty to a tee.” He was now completely awake. He sat up lazily and leaned against the headboard of the bed. “I didn’t get to sleep until it was light out.”

What? What! I stood in a daze from what I had just heard. After a few minutes, I ran into the bathroom. In the mirror, my face was as red as a tomato. He’d helped me shower?

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