Chapter 25

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This chapter takes place at the end of their trip.

Title: Time away from Satou-san

After the second day of the school trip, the bus ride became a pain in the ass. The reason is simple. Satou-san was sitting in the auxiliary seat next to me.

Since that first night, me and Satou-san hadn’t spoken to each other at all. I don’t know what Satou-san thought of me, but it wasn’t surprising that she didn’t like me. My comment was thoughtless and definitely hurt her.

For a while, I couldn’t even look at Satou-san’s face. A strong sense of guilt preceded me, and I couldn’t even apologize. I just tried not to look at her. Every time I heard her talking to the other girls, I couldn’t help but feel suffocated. I didn’t have any time to enjoy the school trip.

Why did I say that? I knew what was going on. I don’t know what you wanted at the time. What did she want from me? I’m sure she wanted my affirmation. ‘Yamaguchi-kun may think it’s strange, but even if you do, I’m glad you’re listening…’. That’s all she said. I don’t think anything else would have been needed. If I had said one word, ‘You’re happily in love, aren’t you?’ it would have settled the matter perfectly. All I had to do was encourage the wavering Satou-san with a safe, bland line and treat her kindly. She would never have wanted a third party to say something that would have inflamed her anxiety. I’m sure I’m not the only one who knows nothing about what’s going on. So why couldn’t I just say it to her honestly?

It was skepticism that pushed me back. From the moment I heard Satou-san’s story – well, from the moment I heard her words in the nurse’s office, I had been thinking, ‘There are some horrible people who are making you wait and make you feel uneasy’. But now, I don’t think there is anyone as bad as me. I broke her heart and denied her feelings. She trusted me, told me everything, and then cut me off because she didn’t understand. I was too much, I was a jerk. How could she say such a thing for an outsider who knew nothing about anything? I don’t care if you fall in love with someone you don’t know. I hear that there are people who fell in love with each other in this way. Satou-san is a kind girl who doesn’t care about people’s appearance and doesn’t judge people by their looks. If she says that the person she is attracted to is a very kind person, if she is happy, then she should be happy, right? As a classmate, it should have been enough to have a small conversation with her as a classmate, just as a small conversation next to each other.

But even at this point in my life, I’m still thinking horrible things. I wish you didn’t love him anymore. I wish you could stop thinking about someone else with your own insecurities.

It doesn’t suit her, it’s never going to suit Sato-san. To fall in love with someone while being insecure like that. Or to pile on the excuses for thinking about someone else. ‘I’m not bothering anyone’, she said. That’s probably true. But that kind of argument was not like Satou-san. The Satou-san I’ve seen all my life is plain, fragile, uncaring, and not even pretty, but she’s honest, unpretentious, and considerate of others. Because of her clumsiness, she made many mistakes and went through many hardships, but Satou-san was always positive. She wasn’t always laughing, she was sometimes depressed, but she wasn’t the kind of girl who wouldn’t make excuses for what she did. If I was in a relationship like that, where I couldn’t fully affirm it to myself, I would leave it. She is more suited to be cheerful. It doesn’t matter if it’s going to happen or not, it’s just fine if you’re just thinking about someone and being kind to them in your own uncaring childish way. Even if she’s spinning her wheels and causing trouble, she’ll be able to laugh it off by herself.

I knew it was a selfish wish. I also knew that I was not qualified to think that way. But I had been thinking about Sato-san throughout the 4-day school trip.

On the last day of the school trip, we had our last free time at the airport. We had very little free time, at best, to choose and buy some souvenirs. But I had forgotten to buy some souvenirs for my family, so I decided to make the most of it. Before the school trip, Satou-san said, ‘We should buy some nice things at souvenir shops. I know a good place in a souvenir shop and I’ll tell you about it,’ she said. But that didn’t happen. And now I am in a hurry to pick out a souvenir of my own choice. The guys in my group told me what they were buying and I looked for the same brand. But the souvenir shop at the airport was so crowded with other students and tourists that it was hard to browse the shelves.

“Yamaguchi-kun.”(S)

I heard a voice over the murmur. I breathed in then shut my mouth. I didn’t dare look back. After all, it was her voice that I had been avoiding for the entirety of this school trip. I had no idea what she would look like or what she would say to me. In front of the shelves lined with souvenir snacks, Sato-san stands next to me. She doesn’t look at me.I’m not sure if she knew I was peeking at her from the side, but she smiled just a little bit and said while staring at the shelves,

“I can help you pick out a souvenir if you want.”(S)

It’s an awkward voice. I tensed as I remembered the events of that night.

“Thank you, but this is your free time.”(Y)

She was still laughing at my fumbling answer. It was a forced laugh. It’s all my fault for making her do that.

“No, no, it’s okay, I’m not busy. I’m free. And besides..”(S)

Satou-san’s hand reached out and grabbed a box of sweets from the shelf. It was the famous Hokkaido cookie lang dosha.

“I wanted to help you.”(S)

Her voice said.

“If it’s not too much trouble, I mean. Let me help you choose, if you’d like.”(S)

Her eyes looked straight at me. It wasn’t sharp or harsh, but it was a strong gaze. Resisting the urge to run away, I met her gaze.

“It’s not a bother.”(Y)

I haven’t been able to sort out all the mixed up feelings. But I nodded. This time I would affirm Satou-san to the best of my ability.

“It’s not a bother. So maybe you can help me out.”(Y)

Satou-san laughed, softly and naturally this time. That smile made me regret my actions again.

Notes:

Lang dosha is a thin white cookie from japan here.

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